So now that my grandma has improved, I need to get back to California and start up my lab work again. I have a ticket booked for the 19th of Aug. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back, but I can't hide out here forever without job or schooling going on. I also don't think my H is ready to have me back. It's making me nervous going back. I feel like as soon as I get there, I'll have to face things and he might leave me permanently. I have to constantly tell myself to expect nothing, and continue to work on myself. Being out here has actually allowed me to succumb to more peace than I thought possible. When I have negative thoughts about people I always think back to my goal of forgiving, and I feel relieved. I don't know why I've spent so many years building up hate towards others. Probably because I don't stand up to myself and just let the hate grow. I'm trying to prepare myself to be stronger, and get my word in.
You're a good person, worthy of love and appreciation. Just keep reminding yourself of that fact. Whatever happens, you've got to be your own best friend and be GOOD to yourself. Eat right, get some exercise and treat yourself right. You've got to be your own best friend right now.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
"When I have negative thoughts about people I always think back to my goal of forgiving, and I feel relieved. I don't know why I've spent so many years building up hate towards others. Probably because I don't stand up to myself and just let the hate grow."
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Once you get through that, you'll lose resentment towards others. It takes time, but you're definitely on your way.
Does your H know that you're coming back? Did he say anything to you?
As hard as it is, try not to be afraid. You are worth it and there is hope. When you do go back home though, you should try to be as changed and confident as possible. Have you ever seen the movie Grease? At the end, the main character Sandy changes into a "bad girl" which was the opposite of how she was before. As the "bad girl" she was confident, attractive and had everyone noticing. You don't need to take it that far, but in a way you need to show your confidence to your H and also show the new, understanding and compassionate you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mr. Bond, he keeps mentioning how awkward things will be when I come back, and keeps bringing up this fact. He has mentioned several times that he doesn't feel comfortable around me any longer, and keeps saying we need to separate. Yet, he does nothing to separate. I even told him the other night that while I do not desire the separation, I understand his feelings, and will do what I can to support him. Maybe I shouldn't have said that...although, at this point I'm not completely opposed to a physical separation. I feel like the time I've spent away from him has been constructive and has felt good and not the usual stress. I'm not sure I want to go back to an environment where my H is constantly ignoring me, and when he does say something it's to tell me how uncomfortable he feels. I do miss him a lot, but I miss the person I married, not this guy. I understand I was not perfect myself, but I would say in hindsight I've actually improved overall since we've married in terms of emotional well being. There are things I'm well aware of that I need to work on, but those will take some time to fix. Right now I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions, and can't decide what I want. I go from missing my H terribly, to not giving a s*it. I guess time is really my best friend right now. I don't want to make any rash decisions.
Is supporting a separation a poor choice on my end?
It's not necessarily a poor choice, however he needs to tell you what he IS comfortable with. I mean it IS your home correct? I do have to ask though. Do you know if he is seeing someone else?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The circumstances under which he BD was following immediately after another fight. He has never give me any reason to not trust him prior to that moment. Now, I'm not completely dismissing the idea that he has found someone since we've been apart. I have no idea what he's doing over there, and he no longer wears his wedding ring so he's not exactly promoting his marital status (Although I don't wear mine either). Prior to our marriage I had left him after a fight for a couple of days, in which he immediately started texting his ex and promoting a sexual conversation. It stopped when I came back, but it leaves me with the idea that he could run back to an old flame over this situation.
We do share an apartment, and both our names are under the lease. I was going to volunteer to move, but after some thought I realized I shouldn't have to move if I'm not the one wanting to give up on the relationship. I am no where ready to give up on this marriage, and another person wouldn't be a deal breaker at this point. But, I have mixed feelings, as in maybe a separation will help us. I also know after starting to work on myself, that this is a path I would like to continue regardless of what happens in our marriage. I have no idea what I'm doing to be honest....
Usually our fights involve his parents treating me bad, me wanting to move out of the state, me not liking big crowds, or me not spending enough time with him. To overcome them, that's one reason I really am working on forgiveness. I need to forgive his parents. As for moving out the state, I still stand firm in that believe. It's expensive in Los Angeles, and nearly impossible to get a decently priced home the size I want. We can move outside of Los Angeles (and stay in California), but sometimes H is being unrealistic on how expensive it can be. We are continually in debt because he spends his money like we have it to waste. He bought a brand new sports car with all the perks even though we were already 20k in debt. I can't control that aspect. As for crowds, I have always had great anxieties in dealing with crowds I think being somewhat related to my bipolar disorder. I have slowly in baby steps overcome some of those fears with therapy, but H wants it to be solved overnight. I continually work on it, because I know I don't want crowds stopping me from going somewhere. I forgot to mention I gained a huge amount of weight after taking my new medicine (70 pounds), and I have low self esteem because of it. I am currently down 40 pounds so I've been doing good on my progress to lose some weight. The progress started at the beginning of the year before the BD, so I was working on that regardless of the situation. Everything is slow, but I think worth it.
Today, I am having an extremely tough day. I am tired, and my H is just hitting me with painful words. I will be back in California in about 2 weeks, and I think it's resurfacing some raw emotions. My H said he wants to separate still, doesn't see me in his life, but he's not sure if he wants the divorce yet. He is firm that this has been the best month of his life since we've been married, and he loves it. (Super stab in the heart, although my mood stabilizers prevent me from crying). I know one of the rules say only believe half of what the spouse says, but god it is so hard sometimes. I keep wondering what if he does really feel that way? It's hard to ignore sometimes. I calmly told him I will help him pack if he wants to move, and he stated that he wasn't going to move, but that I would be moving. He said if I didn't he would stop payments on the apartment (which I can't afford) and screw me over. It was hard for me not to react harshly, but I remained calm. I was planning on getting a job regardless, so that I could have my own income. So that is on the top of my list when I get home. (I was going to do it anyway as soon as I got my B.S. degree). So do I take his threats as truth? Should I move out assuming he will stop payments?
I asked him to give me some time to think about things. He said he was planning on asking a friend if he could stay with them until I move out. (Right next to an ex-gf's neighborhood oddly enough) Am I paranoid about him going back to her? Slightly, but I'm not going to stalk him. I got rid of FB while I was in school so it wouldn't distract me from my studies, so it's not a temptation.
So now, I'm going to slightly worry about my living situation, pick up my pride, and focus on my goals. I'm going to get a job, save up for a house, as I'm sick of living in a cramped apartment. And, in two years regardless of what happens, after I finish my Masters, I'm going to use that money to move somewhere that is better for my income flow. Where? I don't know, only the future can tell. But thinking I have something to look forward to with or without my H is slightly fulfilling. I let my weight goals lag for a bit, so I'm going to push forward on them with a little less leeway. I want to lose another 30 by the end of the year. I don't think that's to insane of a goal. We'll see.
