Hi, I'm new to the forum and am hoping I can get some advice and tips and encouragement while I DB my marriage.
In a nutshell, I've been with H since college and found out he did not want to have children about 3 years after we got together. I thought I was ok with it back then. Then, just before we got married, I thought I was either going to be ok with not having children or H will change his mind.
Fast forward to 5 years after getting married: my bio clock was ringing off the hook, everywhere I looked were babies and children and I badly needed and wanted a child. After MUCH nagging and complaining, H gave in and I got pregnant on first try. I had a very stressful pregnancy as H was in denial for the first few months and then he refused to participate in any prenatal stuff and started to slowly get upset with me.
Then when S was 5 months, H sinked into a depression. He started to fantasize about a woman from his past who he barely knew (he apparently liked her the same time that we met but he chose me over her) and tried to contact her then but she did not reply.
Fast forward to now: I feel like he is in MLC and is also suffering from depression. His depression has gotten worse and his attitude and behavior towards me has gotten worse too. H has blamed me for almost everything under the sun, resents me "bullying" him into having a child, is very angry towards me, told me I'm not attractive to him, told me he cannot love me as he is so angry and regretful, said that he made a huge mistake in choosing me, marrying me, having a child with me, etc. He has said that he feels that I have trapped him in this life that he hates, that he wants to leave but the only reason he hasn't is because of S, but he has mentioned divorce and have looked it up.
I'm trying my hardest to DB, to not internalize the crap thrown my way and trying really hard to DB. But its so difficult when I'm trying so hard and he can't see the things that I'm doing to try to make this marriage work.
Also doesn't help that some of his friends are divorced (with kids) and are now in new relationships (bad influence IMO) and may have given him who knows what advice (I'm guessing its "do what makes you happy, don't stay for the kid", etc).
I have realized that I have made many mistakes in the past - I realized now that I did not put him first as he has complained that I have always put school, work, my family (parents, brother) ahead of him when he used to put me first before everyone. I was also not affectionate enough with him. I've always felt that I've shown him love, I guess in my own way, but since "perception is reality", it was not enough to him.
So now, I'm living a nightmare, not sure if he is going through MLC or just very angry H whom I don't know will ever forgive me for "bullying" him into having a child.
I want desperately to make this marriage and family work. I love him dearly, always have and always will. But also, I want my S to have a dad to live a childhood with both of his parents together as I have seen the effects of D on children.
Currently, I am trying my best to detach with love, to give him space, to look good (have spent a great deal of money on new clothes, got my hair done, got new makeup, etc), exercising, lost some weight (I was never overweight before, just had a bit of a gut but that is slowly coming off) be more positive, be affectionate while trying to not smother him, to be positive.
But any advice that you can give would be great as I am needing TONS of encouragement things are so negative at home because of his depression/MLC/anger/resentment/etc. Also, please tell me that DB works, as I really need all the encouragement that I can get.
Thank you Cadet. I will keep your encouragement in mind. Its just so difficult to keep at a distance and expecting nothing back when I love him so much and craving for his love and attention. We went out on a date day yesterday (with babysitter looking after S) walking around outside and although I knew he was trying his best to be nice it was so painful to not hold his hand and to see him sad and tired and withdrawn. And the sad thing is that yesterday was a "good" day and I'm trying to not look too much into it as at any time the situation can drop back into a deep black hole. And I don't know if, when he does do the affectionate gestures, if he is having to force himself to do it to please me, or if a few bright rays came through.
Is anyone in a similar situation in which your spouse didn't want a child but gave in and now you are suffering from their resentment and anger?
