so things are going along nicely...we seem to be a "normal" couple..a "normal" family..
h has been spending much of his free time in the yard taking down trees..he's had one of his employees come up on the weekends to help out.
last evening...h was clearing more trees and taking down another big one..it started to fall in the wrong direction and would damage some nice trees that we intend to keep..so he threw the rope around it and tried to pull it in the other direction..it just wasn't giving...eventually h asked me to help...I did..me at the back of the rope with it wraped around my waits..pulling with all my weight..h in front pulling as well...the tree started to fall the way we wanted..wich was in our direction...I started to run...saying "I'm scared, I'm scared" I got clear of the tree...dropping the rope and running away...feeling like my life flashed before me..h said are you ok?? yes I said...just horrified...h then went about the business of looking at the tree now laying across the cleared area and there I stood waiting for a comforting hug..after all my life did just flash before my eyes..visions of becomming a pancake under a tree...nada...so I finally said to h.."I'm not one of your employees, can I have a HUG!!!" h obliged and laughed at me saying I did a great job and was in no danger.
a little bummed that I had to ask for the hug...a little puzzled by it too..it was clear to h that I was terrified and rattled. I dunno.
the physical touch issue is still an issue and a bit more so now that h is working so hard outside...I worked some outside yesterday too (not just the tree pulling either) and man do my shoulders ache...so I suppose I can understand h being tired and sore and not being physical but it still bothers me.
h fell asleep on the couch again last night..that bothers me too...but that is something he's always done so I suppose I shouldn't read much into it..he did after all come up in the morning before leaving for work and gave me a hug and a kiss (ok really just a peck) and then called at 8 to say hello actually was singing "good morning...good morning...goood morning" he can be goofy sometimes...
the other night while laying on the couch I said to h..."I'm glad youre home" h responded "I'm glad I'm home too, I like it here"
that's a good thing considering part of the reason h left is because despite the fact that this is a great house..and has great people in it..he just didn't want to be here...didn't want to come home from work etc..so now he likes it here..
when h called this am..he said he's going to try to get home early (@4) to do more work in the yard...also last night said he's looking forward to getting this stuff done so that when he comes home he can spend some time playing with son..say's he likes playing with son..ok dd too!
I think things are going to be ok...
I'm still insecure... I'm still having some trouble dealing with the ow issue.. I'm still trying to believe what he says of it being non-physical..but preparing myself for another story.
there is still work to be done..but I think we're gonna make it.
I won't post myself in the success stories or write to michelle till I have a ring on my finger once again..but I think that day will come.
I'm very happy to see that you've begun to pull yourself out of the funk you were in. I see so many of us here in piecing suffering from some sort of PMA flu. You are really the first I've seen who has pulled out. Props out to you
I want to say something about an issue you've raised more than once. Was H physical with OW? Let me share what I came up with.
The thing that brought my sitch to a head was what I found out snooping (Yeah, bad me but this was pre-DB). The message from W to OM man read (and I quote; I don't think I'll ever forget these words) "Can't wait to be with you, we have so many 'things' to do" . Quotation marks around things in the message. Hurts when I think about it but not as much as 8 months ago. So I knew then that she was actively pursuing or already engaged in a physical relationship with OM.
Now the thing is when I confronted her she denied the interpretation and said that she was referring to just running errands with him, Yeah right, and my IQ is 6!!!! When pressed she changed her story and said that she had only kissed him. I haven't asked since even though I really don't think that's the whole story since the 'things' seems to be a private code which wouldn't have developed unless .....
What I had to do in order to proceed and forgive my wife is get rid of the ambiguity. I had to make an assumption since I cannot ever count on my W to tell me the truth of the matter, either because of her guilt or because of her reluctance to hurt me further. So I had a choice, I could assume the best and take her at her word or I could assume the worst and deal with the horrendous feelings that would engender.
I chose to assume the worst. After I made this choice my agony practically pounded me to flinders. I was well and truely f**ked up over my assumption. I had to deal with it somehow. After what seemed a lifetime of pain, despair and soul searching I came up with my answer.
I truely think I would have been better off if I had of taken her at her word. Sometimes I still want to take her at her word. I think that since I made the decision once I can make the decision again. I am working on making the decision to take her at her word. Does it really make a difference what the truth of the matter is? I don't really think so. Would knowing that your H was physically close to OW really change anything TODAY?
Focus rather on your goals. Remember, DB'ing is about solutions. What are your goals, how are you going to change the relationship to achieve those goals, how are you going to know when those goals are achieved? Work the process. Easy to say, harder to do once we are piecing.
I'm serious here, please work on figuring out your goals, the milestones that will indicate that your sitch is headed towards achieving those goals and the changes in YOUR behaviour that you are going to implement in order to reach those goals.
My apologies for the long winded and blunt posting, it's just that I know how much this very same question tore me up and I am hoping that my experiences can save someone else that same trauma.
Peace Out
Brought to you by a preadapted, preeminent analysis engine, and therein lies the root of all evil.
in the beginning, our potential mates have an uncanny ability of guessing what we want, and that's because they're trying SO hard to win us...
once we're won, the game is over
(probably why we're all here, eh?)
once i was trimming a limb by myself. D, then 2 was napping, the limb broke off and smashed my hand... no one was home... i was just about to yell for a neighbor when the image of the Incredible Hulk came to mind.... I became the hulk and lifted that limb off my hand... it was all in slow motion...
When I'm alone, I fend for myself. When H is around, I can sometimes make it his fault that the limb broke in the first place, his fault that it needed trimming, his fault my hand slipped, his fault i wasn't strong enough (when I actuality, I am...). Let your H see how strong you are. That you can take care...
I am not advising what worked for me because perhaps there is a better way but this is what works for us. It works in just 2 steps:
If I want something from my H not only do I have to tell him but I have to tell him many times and with feeling. He is a sweet but very dense man. I pretty much have to tell him in about everyway I can think of, in respectful "I messages" works best. I need to do this without it becoming nagging for a year or two. That's step 1.
Step 2 is then I have to get completely comfortable with the idea that he may never, ever do what I would like--that can take a while also. At the same time I have to stop talking about it.
Somehow when I follow just these 2 steps my H has surprised me on several occasions by coming up with the idea of doing exactly what I asked for.
Seriously, my H does need me to tell him WITHOUT BLAMING HIM how I authentically feel and usually more than once. Then I think of ways to light-heartedly reference the request. Then when I get calm about not having what I want, he often comes through!
h and I apparently have learned how to argue...we just haven't learned to make up!!! the argument just ends...leaving me feeling un heard...missunderstood..etc...leaving h to go to sleep to wake to tommorow as a new day...
oh when will we ever learn...when will I ever learn to stop going down cheeseless tunnels...when will I learn that h is not going to stop an argument easily by saying buy LL I love you and I'm sorry for complicating things...when will I learn to just accept h for who he is...and be happy that he's home?????
LL is tired...LL needs to learn to be a better dbr...LL needs to give it a break for a while...LL needs to stop analyzing everything...LL needs to stop obsessing over the past...LL needs to move on with her h in the here and now...the good and the not so good...LL needs to learn from her h...the one who has read no books but knows enough to take it day by day...don't sweat the small stuff...etc...LL needs to grow up and take a good look around at what she's got...LL needs to stop feeling bad about what's happend...as that silly baboon in the lion king say's "what does it matter...it's in the past" LL needs to be quiet for a while and listen closely...h is saying things that she just isn't hearing..she's too busy writing her own damn play where she's the fool...LL is not a fool...LL is a very smart lady...LL is good enough and so is her h...
LL self inflicted slap!! I don't know why I get so down, I don't know why I want h to be misserable with me...maybe I should be on some meds??
going to sleep and hoping that h will acept a cuddle from me!
I learned something very simple in looking at the moon last night...it had a strage glow, a glowing ring around it amognt the overcast of the night...h and I were on the deck once I arrived home from my annoying journey 30 miles away to get the taxes to the post office..(h waited till last minute I offered to go) I looked up and said the moon looks cool...it doesn't usually have a ring around it like that...h said "it's overcast" I then said to h...the moon just taught me something...when you analyze something...you appreciate it's wonder less. in one minute I was enjoying the wonder of the sky and the moons strange glow...when I looked at it knowing why it looked the way it did it was a bit less amazing.
what did I learn??
stop analyzing h and just be amazed at all that he does for us.
btw..the tree scare...it's not a wonder that h wasn't overly comforting...I helped take down a tree...h has been taking down several over the past few weeks...to him it's no big deal. last evening I helped take down two more...and before each one..h mapped out my exit route and asked if I was ok...so h didn't run over and hug me after the trees fell..big deal...after the last one...I ran over to son and he ran to me so I got my hug...so what if it was from little arms instead of big ones.
I need to give h a break...I need to give h the benefit of the doubt...I need to see h for who he is and stop thinking he's some manipulative jerk like so many of the wah's I read about here. I feel bad for those women but that just isn't my h and I'm not naive or ignorant to think so.
my h is home...and it IS for real...as long as I believe it is!!
I am you and you are me Why’s that such a mystery ? If you want it you got to believe Who are we ? We’re who we are Riding on this great big star We’ve got to stand up if we’re gonna be free yeah
If you want it you got to believe Believe in yourself ‘Cause it’s all just a game We just want to be loved
The Son of God is in your face Offering us eternal grace If you want it you’ve got to believe ‘Cause being free is a state of mind We’ll one day leave this all behind Just put your faith in God And one day you’ll see it
If you want it you got it You just got to believe Believe in yourself ‘Cause it’s all just a game We just want to be loved
The future’s in our present hands Let’s reach right in Let’s understand If you want it you’ve got to believe yeah
If you want it you got it You just got to believe Believe in yourself yeah ‘Cause it’s all just a game We just want to be loved
Quoting lostlove: I need to give h a break...I need to give h the benefit of the doubt...I need to see h for who he is and stop thinking he's some manipulative jerk like so many of the wah's I read about here. I feel bad for those women but that just isn't my h and I'm not naive or ignorant to think so.
BY GEORGE, she's got it!!
Your H is his own man! ... he's not your father or anyone else you read about here. Your H lives by his own code ... one of high integrity and honor. Unfotunately, such men are tend to believe there is not much importance in emotion and feelings in such a code, but as you learn to interpret his actions by the "rules" of his code (for example, coming up with escape routes for you) , you will see much more how he is showing you how much he cares for you.
Keep journey down this yellow brick road LL ... it will take you home.
