Hello all, just joined the site, couldn't wait for "divorce busters" to get here, so went and bought it at bookstore and have already read it cover to cover.
Some background, im 45, my wife just turned 40. Married 21 years. 2 kids D-17 (senior), S-15. We currently in a in-house separation. 4 months ago, I was taking my kids to one of their high school sporting tournaments, upon arrival my wife was crying, gave me the "ILYB" speech and told me I needed to move out. She said that I wasn't doing enough in the marriage, kids/dinners/laundry/cleaning/etc. Really I was, but she had started bringing up things from 10-12 years earlier. I felt like no matter what she said, it was me me me doing everything wrong. She asked me to move out, which I did for 4 weeks, before my kids said she was no longer buying groceries, making dinner, or cleaning up around the house in any way. She just let go.
During this 4 weeks of course I was doing the begging, pleading, I can change crud. I told her, that if she thought I wasn't doing anything to help around the house, why was it me that moved, not her. So I moved back in, took cooking classes, started doing 80% of the housework. She started tanning, going out with her friends, taking weekend long trips. Basically running from every responsibility she was could.
We went to a MC, and after the therapist talked to us each for about 10 minutes, really, 20 minutes into the first session. The therapist says our marriage is over and we should both just move on.....needless to say, we we're both stunned. We continue for a little while and questions are asked of my wife, im asked to give a response to how I feel to my wifes comments, I get one sentence in, my wife shakes her head and the therapist tells me to "shut up, quit talking". Well I finally after having this done to me 2x, walk out. I felt ganged up on. I tell my wife I wont go back to that.
A week later, we find another MC to try, the meeting is better but the MC uses these huge words, confusing analogies, and talks down to us. We hardly talked as the MC would just tell us story after story. I felt we hadn't even talked about why we were there yet. I didn't feel great about it, but was willing to go again, due to pure frustration of needing to get it out. At the end of the appt. the MC asked if we'd like to set up another appt. My wife asks if she could get an IC in. The MC sets up an apt with her for the next day. When my wife comes home the next day, she's in a great mood. I figure great, she got some issues out. I call the MC the next day to ask if I could get an IC in before our next MC appt. She tells me she can no longer see me, its now a conflict of interest, and I should seek a new therapist for myself. I was stunned.
My wife sees this old MC, now her IC for about 6-7 weeks, during this time my wife has now gone out every Friday and Saturday night, says her IC says she needs to find who she is, rediscover herself, have some fun, don't worry about the kids, as there old enough to take care of themselves. Kids have short memeories, and they'll learn to conform. During this time my kids' grades PLUMMET, my daughter ends up failing to key courses and doesn't graduate. My son who was a straight A student, failed 4 of his 6 classes. My wife says this has nothing to do with whats going on...........wha????
The last 2 weeks, I told my wife I agreed the marriage was not doing well at all, I was thinking about just moving out, both kids told her that they want to come live with me. I'm getting more and more resentful and how she could treat me, and more so, the kids. She tells me that she wants to feel something for me, but its too late, and she doesn't think she can feel that way about me ever again. I tell her, that we need to go to a MC appt. for the sake of being able to talk about at least getting thru an amicable divorce. So we go, she was thinking about going to her friends for the weekend to get away and think some more. She send me a text on day 3, says she misses me for the first time in months, she was looking forward to another MC, and that she feels she needs to see a dr. and have herself checked. I take this as a positive sign. I really want the marriage to be saved, but after 4 months, im tired, resentful, and am becoming more open to the idea of a divorce even thou I don't want one.
Sorry for such a long post. Any ideas, comments or tips, would be greatly appreciated. Btw, I don't know if there is someone else. I don't think so, but it would be a long distance EA from an old boyfriend from high school if there was. Nothing I could prove.
I am glad you read the book, that is a great first step. But to be able to personalize it for your situation, please call us to get info about talking to a DB coach, they are experts in helping you sort out what is happening and how to go forward in a way that is beneficial for the relationship and help you stay on track and stay strong. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Hi T. Sorry you are here but you will "meet" some amazing people who will be along to offer somoe help.
I want you to know that only you can really determine if your w is in a midlife crisis as you know her best. And if she is, this is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. So if you want to save your marriage, you need to decide if you're up for the challenge. You might want to go and check the midlife crisis forum on here.
What she has been telling you is part of the script that most everyone hears. As is the rewriting of your history together.
The most important thing for you to do is to realize you can only control you.
So, it is a good thing to look at some of the things she has said about why she was unhappy. Determine which ones have merit and validity and throw the rest away. Those things that you agree with are what you should be starting to change. The thing of that is, that the changes have to be something that you want to do for you. Because if you do them for any other reason, they wont stick and she will see right through them.
Dbing is really a way to become the person you were meant to be - the very best you. And sometimes, it saves marriages.
It is important that you let her walk her journey. Your job is to get out of the way and walk yours.
Give her space. Validate when you can. Take care of yourself and your children and also very important - GAL!
The more information you can give us, the better we can offer some suggestions.
It might take a little while for you to get responses. But continue to post and try to post to others.
If you want to ride this out, strap yourself in, it is a rollercoaster.
But if you do the work, you can be sure that your life will be forever changed.
Well, as Karen mentions above, if you can consider a DB coach, it will likely go a long way to helping you sort things out and develop a plan going forward.
Is she MLC? Well... there were certainly signs of possible depression and certainly there is erratic, adolescent behaviours and confusion. So there's a possibility.
The work remains the same for the DBer. That said, go ahead and read some of the sticky's at the top of the MLC area and it will help provide you with more information.
Definitely what you experienced is when therapy does not help. I get when things seem so far gone that it may just not be worth the effort. IDK, maybe they look at from a "success" and financial perspective. They can help try to save a M, but if it does not look like both parties are committed, they'd be concerned it might blemish their "saved M" stats and maybe they can get more money out of D therapy or IC. *shrug*
That said, I personally think your MCs were unhelpful for your M and also, a therapist who tells someone to "go out and find your happiness" sounds more like a card reader than a therapist. No disrespect to astrologists and new agers on this board.
If you can afford a DB coach or an IC, please do so.
If your W is MLC, this could be a long road for you. She will be "out there, seeking her happiness", until she realises that she will only find happiness when she looks inside herself and creates it. The biggest difference, IMHO, between MLC and transition.
General thoughts for you? Look at valid complaints from your W and 180 them and also look at working on other things you think would help your personal growth. Good job on the cooking classes, BTW. Also, detach and GAL as best you can. Patience will be key and you likely have time.
Be wary of your W saying she misses you. She might and even if she came back right now saying she wanted to work on the M, there would be a high risk that things will just return to what they were and the M will again hit a bomb.
I will be calling tomorrow to set up a few calls for sure.
Ive been GALn for 2 months now. Thus, I think, the recent calls home. Ive been patient to the point, I'm afraid I'm almost willing to walk away now? Is that a common cycle?
Anyways keeping it short for now to get off moderation. Details pending. Thx again all.
Also a question on the 180, I understand its about me. But what I isn't it also to do the opposite of what i'd be doing in the past? So if I was distant before, am I supposed to be more engaging now?
Have called and got a phone coaching package, first call is Monday morning. Really looking forward to it, another question for you all, should I get divorce remedy as well, I've already finished DB, but am going to read it again this weekend.
Thumpered, you situation seems similiar to mine. I can say that Dbing has helped improve my sitch with respect to my MLC wife. Giving her space, validating her, and doing 180's has relieved the pressure and she is no longer thinking of ending the marriage. With that said, she is not quite fully committed either -- but this situation is much more workable.
I think women in MLC do feel guilt, and I find that when my W is feeling guilty about her behavior, she becomes more 'loving' toward me. For example, my MLC W also texted me that "she missed me" yet only 2 weeks earlier than that she mentioned leaving. It doesn't make sense. So it is a good sign, but don't read to much into it.
I think, if you want to keep your marriage, then 180's, detaching, and GAL wiand simply wait out your wife as she goes through her MLC.
Tyvm Sailing, its so nice to talk to someone going thru the same sitch. Its much more of an emotional roller coaster than I thought it would be. And knowing one mistake can negate weeks of progress sure adds to the pressure of it all.
Detaching is the hardest part in these first few stages, cause I tend to get sucked back in to easily, then the next day im back to step 1. I MUST LEARN TO GET STRONGER AND MORE COMMITED ON THAT.
