New to This - An English Man In Trouble

[AnotherStander]

This happened and it went well both from my wife and my parents, i think we were both glad to have cleared that up.

Awesome, good job on taking control of that and making things better

I validated her feelings well which seemed to diffuse the situation.

Good, that's really the best you can hope for. You're not reconciling, you're just removing stress and pressure which paves the way to reconciling later. It's like taking down a wall one pebble at a time, celebrate the pebbles even if the wall is still standing

She had told me at lunch on Sunday upstairs that she was going to start looking for somewhere to rent, i replied that if that is what she wants to do i wont stop her or try to talk her into staying.

Great response, you're becoming a Jedi DB Master!

She used this later on in our conversation (that evening) to say that its the only option as due to my earlier comments that clearly i have given up too.

That's just a temperature check, be careful how you respond to these. You don't want her to think you're sitting around waiting for her. A good response might be "I haven't given up by any means, but I think we both need time and space to think things through."

Maybe i didnt do too well from there as i replied that i have not and will not ever give up on fighting for our marriage and future.

I hope HWA doesn't mind me sharing this, but he told his W something similar. Then a while later she found his profile on a dating site. Her reaction was that he was being a hypocrite. Don't ever tell a WAS you're waiting and/ or fighting for the M. And definitely don't tell them absolutes like you'll "never give up". When you say things like that they'll think "OK, he's still plan B then. I'll pursue my fantasies and if it doesn't work out then it's fine because he'll still be waiting." And if you ever do something that contradicts that (like posting on a dating web site) then they'll be all over you like stink on poop. Besides, who wants to be plan B? Who wants to "never give up" on a spouse that doesn't even love them and is talking about moving out? Aren't you worth more than that? I'm not saying to give up on her, but I am saying you need to quit being a "sure thing" for her.

She indicated that she has seen the changes in me over the last 8 months and how difficult it must have been for me to live with her and her mood swings and unhappiness however that isnt enough and there isnt any love there to make it worth fighting for, thats how it ended.

That can be summed up as "it's too little too late" which is a standard WAS line. It is as script as it gets!

It seems my efforts of concentrating on me for a change have been a green light for her to assume that i too have given up.

Not at all, it's just that you're "damned if you do and damned if you don't." You give her space and you're "cold and uncaring". You smother her with love and you're "too clingy and desperate." You try and strike a balance between the two and you're "lukewarm and ambivalent." That's why we say to do things for YOU, because your WAS is going to rain on your parade no matter what.

[Hadlee58]

Thanks AS for your kind words, i dont feel like i am doing that well but its a nice pick me up
I think my wife doesn't think that i am sitting around waiting for her and i think she is struggling with seeing a different me at the moment and she is showing this with indifference to me, some days she is quite open and chatty and other days she has her guard up a lot of the time. Its a fairly difficult way to live but i know its only short term.
I take on board your comment on saying absolutes like 'i will never give up' and this is something i am struggling with. Right at this second i still see myself as married to my wife and as we used to say 'love you forever' etc etc and it had a meaning, i guess i need to understand that in reality i am not married to her going forward (i still hope that out of the ashes a new us can be formed) and so i will be careful and mindful of this in the future.
Its been great to do things for me for a change and you are right she is going to wee on my bonfire no matter what i do, i have lived this for the last 8 months
This weekend my parents invited us all up to the local pub for a catch up on friday night, i invited her (with no expectations) and she surprisingly agreed, it was a great couple of hours with us all present and the kids really enjoyed it, my son is big into minecraft on his I-pad and loves showing off his latest creations, i call it Lego without the mess but i much prefer seeing him building things on the floor with our help, he has a school assignment to build a Tudor house which i am going to help him with, i cant wait to get cracking on it (probably more than him) and it feels like something i wouldn't have done previously. He is also doing about Henry the VIII and can list his many wives of in the click of my fingers, knowing which ones were chopped and which ones were divorced, kids are great at this age
I took both kids out for the day on Saturday on the train into Liverpool where we went to the museum, for some nice dinner and on to the cinema to eat sweets and catch a film, it was such a great day out even though it rained non stop we were all soaked. My W decided to opt out of coming although i did invite her but we were having fun regardless, i did kind of feel sorry for her on our return however that is the choice she made. There was a few times throughout the day that the kids inquired why mum never came and i managed to deflect these away however i do think they are starting to see that things are changing, especially my son who is 7, a few times throughout the day i had some sadness as this wasn't the way it was supposed to turn out but i guess i just have to keep my chin up and get used to it. I hate the idea of people looking at me and thinking i am a weekend dad. Telling them is going to be so difficult but i have researched it plenty and know how to do it, still i think its something that i am dreading.
I had to work yesterday (its amazing how much you can get done at a weekend with no phones or other people around the office to talk too). Yesterday evening i went out with one of my buddies which was nice to get out of the house and talk about something different. I haven't managed much running off late due to some muscle pain in my back, its pretty uncomfortable and something that is getting me down, my running is my chance to blow off some steam and i feel like i am in my own little world when i run, it really is a powerful medicine, im taking some painkillers so hopefully it will clear up soon!
This week i plan pretty much the same as last week keeping busy, hopefully we can sit down this week and bottom out a few things as i hate this 'in limbo' part. I still feel pretty muddled as to whether to change tact for a few days just to satisfy myself that i am not pushing her further away ( I await any 2x4's!!).

Apologies for the long post - Thanks H

[Hadlee58]

Just thought i would update what has been going on this last week or so:
My W and i had a fairly uneventful week last week although things are not good at all, i have tried my best to remain up beat and cheerful although she has gone out of her way to put me down and try to goad me into a reaction, on the whole i have managed to bite my tongue
She told me earlier last week that she is still looking for her own place although there doesnt seem to be anywhere that she thinks is suitable yet, this did lead to a 5 minute R chat where i listened and then stated my position that i hadnt given up and was only working on making myself better, i was careful with the promises of never giving up too. Later that week i had a call from my daughters school saying she wasnt well and could i pick her up (my wife is first contact but wasnt available - which is fine). I picked her up and they said they thought she had a case of impetigo so i took her straight away to the medical center to get it looked at, i was keen to keep my wife in the loop at all times, what happens between us doesnt mean we shouldnt keep each other up to date on things involving the kids. I had taken her to the medical center as our doctors was closed for the day and all they had available was a triage nurse, my W phoned me and had managed to get her in to see a DR at another surgery and said she would pick her up and take her. This went well and whilst they had gone to the other doctors i whipped across town to pick my son up and managed to just get home in time for the on-line shopping to be delivered, a hectic few hours My W returned shortly there after in a foul mood and made some digs that i didnt need to text her every detail on all bits, i was only doing what any dad would do but again not good enough but i have come to expect that now.
Valentines day was pretty uneventful although my wife mentioned that the kids had asked her if i had got her anything and they had even dug out of a draw a photo of us on our wedding day (she had taken it down early last year) and left it on her place at the breakfast table, really cute and did tug at my heart strings! In the evening she had cooked us both dinner and i was watching a film that she joined me in watching, it was a comedy and gave us both a few laughs, she indicated that it was nice to do something like that rather than the usual way we would have spent a friday night.
The weekend went as well as could be expected and we had some good fun with the kids.

Monday of this week has seen my wife really change in her attitude towards me, on returning from work on monday she was super cold with me and i naturally asked how her day had been and got an 'ok' followed by a snipe against me for pinching one of my sons chips of his dinner plate and how it was rude and bad manners, i let this slide, even my son looked puzzled. She didnt speak to me at all after the kids went to bed and the same happened again last night, even this morning she made a jibe about me helping putting some of the washing away, normally i would have relented to her but i did bite a little and said its ok if i want to do it i can and will, she replied that if i wasnt in a rush to get to work then she could have gone in earlier - i told her if she had asked i would have mentioned it, i could feel myself getting annoyed and quickly finished and then left to go to work with a smile on my face grrrrrrr.
I know my wife has checked out and is actively looking for somewhere to rent but this could take weeks/months, these last few days have proved difficult and it is no way to live each day with such anger and bitterness (not from me), without me trying to convince her to stay i would have thought the pressure would have been lifted from her but it seems she is content on making this as difficult as she can, it doesnt bode well for the future living our lives apart, i would like to think for the sake of the kids we could form a relationship that would be about them and what is in their best interest, i know thats what i will do regardless
Maybe i am over reacting but it does definitely feel that things are steadily getting worse and worse, alas all i can do is continue being the best dad i can and work on myself although i am finding it difficult to bite my tongue and say what i really feel!

Thanks H

[Hadlee58]

Well my W has found a place to move to and is planning on moving in the next few weeks.
We had a discussion about this last night where she brought up how we would split time for the kids. Her general point was that she was happy with 50/50 but indicated that i would have to change my working conditions to suit that, either change jobs or go part time. I kind of didnt do too well with this because when they are with me it will be up to me to decide how i do things. She stated that unless i drop them off and pick them up from school each day it wont work, obviously to start with that would be the first thing i would do but if later down the line i wanted to use parents/family to pick up/drop off for an occasional hour until i finish work that is what i will do. She didnt take kindly to this and is speaking to a solicitor today. She has decided to end this marriage and i will not let her dictate to me how i bring up our children whilst they are with me! All i want is what is best for the children and regardless of her snide comments about the things i do i will continue to be the best dad i can be. I didnt want to get into a full on discussion on this so i calmly removed myself before saying something i would later regret.
She did later on last night come back for round two and i did bite. I am fully aware of the DB techniques but (for me at least) there is sometimes you just have to stand up and be a man, i wont allow her to put all the blame on me for where we are and paint me out as some kind of monster.
Maybe me standing up for myself wasnt all a bad thing, she texted me this morning saying she knows its hard but its the right decision to make and its not fair on me or the kids to keep living like this and its no life as we are, we all deserve happiness. She also said that she doesnt plan on any 'grey clouds' and really hopes we can stay friends through it all and hopes i have a great day today, a nice text and i do appreciate her sending it.
As always i will give her the benefit of the doubt and i know from my side there wont be any funny business, it was a welcome text and hopefully thats the way we can move forward.
I would be lying if i said i was happy with all of this, i am not i am a mess but aim to pick myself up, dust off and get back on with my life. Its funny as i know there is nothing i can do about it and maybe if i was in a better place it wouldnt affect me, but knowing what she is saying about me to her family and friends really [censored]! I am sure when i have dusted myself off i can move it out of my mind.

Cheers H

[Hadlee58]

Just Journalling:
The last few days have been pretty good in a round of about way, after our blow out on Sunday night things have settled down. Last night my W mentioned that things are moving along pretty quickly and she hope to be out in the next two weeks. She asked if i still expected her to pay towards our mortgage and i told her that no it was fine and i would be paying for it and when we decide to sell (i will more than likely buy her out) that whatever we get for it we will split the balance, she had indicated previously that she was seeking professional advice on this as if she stopped paying towards it now she wouldnt be entitled to any money that the house may increase in value. I told her that in my mind what ever its value we will just split and i wouldnt be pulling any fast ones.
On her ideas of splitting the kids 50/50 i produced a spreadsheet showing how i thought it would work out based on our discussions and again she was happy i had done this. I also said i thought it was a good idea to put together some 'words' on the PC about times/holidays/what we both expect and agree on this and then sign it together. I know this wont be legally binding in any way but if we can remain positive and do whats right for the kids at all times it would help, i am sure this will need to be done properly down the line but it might be a good starting point.
She also mentioned furnishings for her new pad and how her parents are giving her some bits, i did tell her that half of our possessions are hers and she is entitled to take them with her whether now or later and we can agree together how we split this up - she didnt seem too bothered on this although i am keen for her to take what is rightly hers, living with just basic things could be her way of letting people see how she is the one suffering whilst i am still in our home with all the mod cons. Not much i can do about that so i am not letting it worry me other than i want to know my kids are comfortable wherever they are staying.
I also brought up about the pick ups and drop offs and she seems to have softened on her earlier stance which is a good sign.
I have no doubt we will have some major disagreements in time over things but i am hopeful that as long as we agree whats best for the children we will be able to amicably sort through them - probably easier said than done.
Its funny when i look around our house now i am not even sure if i want to stay in it long term, this was our dream home where we wanted to bring up our family together, it seems now with this slipping away maybe it will just be a constant reminder to me.
Planning a great weekend, my son is 8 tomorrow and we have a big day planned for him, it will be great fun! We are also taking him and 5 of his buddies to the cinema to see the 'lego movie' on Sunday which should be interesting, 6 8yr olds should prove an intersting day
I am trying my best to keep my PMA up, i know i am still living in a dream world hoping for an 11th hour reprieve and the fog just lifting. The reality is this isnt going to happen, i know that, and am preparing myself for us telling the kids next weekend. It will be what it will be there has been many dark moments these last 9 months and i still survived

Thanks you all H

[Hadlee58]

Well my son enjoyed his 8th birthday weekend and i survived spending the day with him and 5 off his best buddies so i guess i can conquer anything
We did the usual things on his birthday which was having family around to celebrate with him, i cant lie and say it wasnt difficult putting on a happy front with my own family and more so my wifes family but i put on a brave face and interacted with them all, i know its mind-reading but i can only imagine what my W has told them about me on how i am so controlling etc etc. Its hard not to start to believe it all myself, i know i am no shrinking violet and have had my issues in the past but i have to keep reminding myself that i am not that bad a person and only partly to blame for our current state.
We took my son to a 'football' themed restaurant for his dinner on Saturday night which went well until i offered both kids the opportunity to use the ice-cream making machine twice, my W only wanted them to use it once and have cake on our return home, this proved a massive issue with her how i hadnt listened to her views ahead and was controlling the situation. Not much i could do she got really upset and wouldnt talk to me after the children went to bed.
Yesterday morning we did have a pretty calm talk about this and i told her i was in mo way trying to undermine her, this is where it got interesting:
She again brought up how she had such a bad birthday in January, i did nothing for her on valentines day and even last weekend when she told me she had found somewhere else to live i made no attempt to fight for her or our marriage and now she has signed the lease papers, in effect i have given up. I replied that what was i supposed to do when she had told me that she didnt love me and that i was the root cause of all her unhappiness? I had to get across that i am far from giving up on our marriage but what can i do, i am damned if i do and damned if i dont. Things seemed to quieten down after this and we even managed to enjoy the evening together after the kiddos were in bed, its times like this i see glimpses of the woman i fell madly in love with and still do despite it all.
I really am at a stage of pulling my hair out on where to go from here, carry on working on me is the only option i have.

[Hadlee58]

Well D-day is virtually upon us now. My W has found somewhere else to live and is moving out next Friday. family and work are up to speed and there is no issues there, probably some relief on our parents side that its for the best. The only task remaining is telling the kids tomorrow, not looking forward to that one bit but i have to try to stay strong for them, it chokes me up even thinking about it so i am trying to block it out of my mind until then, i have read up on this plenty but any advice or pointers would be a help...
Things have gone pretty well this past week now that reality has set in and W and i have been getting along great, we have resolved all the minor issues and both want whats best for the children, i am happy that we are splitting their time 50/50 and i have some great plans for them, even thinking of taking them to a music festival this summer for a few days, something i have always wanted to do. I am sure there will be many obstacles we have to over come but thankfully (and rightly so) we are working together to make it as easy for everyone, long may it continue.
I have mixed emotions at the moment one minute i am busy thinking of the future ahead and how 'i' can make it great and a new chapter and the next i am low thinking about what could have been but i guess thats natural, hopefully after next friday although i know i will be hurting i will have much to do and plan for that will help keep me occupied.
Maybe this isnt the end of the road and some time apart will help but it feels pretty final to me at the moment.
I will continue to post as and when i can and i would just like to say a big thank you to all who have read and posted to me, it has been a great source of comfort for me since last year, ihave read stories on here most days and its a great community. Hey one day i might be able to offer some advice too maybe there is still hope but its time to not worry about that and concentrate on a new beginning for me and our children.

Thanks G