Bad Timing and Making a Mess of Things

[slow_it_down]

I wish I could say that I'm a newbie and that the mistakes I've made in the past 10 months were because I just didn't know any better. However, I've owned the books and have been an avid reader of these forums for far too long to be able to make such a claim. Instead, I feel like despite knowing better I keep making the same mistakes and sabotaging what could have been a million chances at reconciliation.

It all began last August when I grew frustrated with my H for not adapting to married life quick enough. He wasn't financially pitching in to my taste and wasn't making time to help out with things that needed taken care of at home. I married him knowing he had a busy work schedule but felt like he was just a roommate that had moved in rather than a partner. I made sure to point this out at the exact worst possible time - right when he was feeling immense dissatisfaction with his career and stepping onto the MLC path. He's moved in and out of the house no less than 15 times since then.

I'm finally posting in the forum because I've seen with my own eyes that the DB techniques work for a struggling marriage. Training for a half marathon brought him back. Acting as if I was moving on with my live without him brought him back. Going dark brought him back. But then we'd make it a few days together and the first minor disagreement would send him running. My insecurity, confidence, etc nosedived even further to the point that the minute he'd consider coming back I'd be waiting for him to leave again.

Then I got pregnant.

So here I am 2 months away from having our first child together and he's just informed me he's 'talking to' another woman. (Whom he for some crazy reason thinks I should meet before our son is born).

I need to do two things. 1) Start with a beginners mind (and am looking for suggestions) on how to DB as a pregnant lady with limited options for GAL and 180's, especially since we are physically separated and have no reason to see one another or speak until August. and 2) I need some accountability because I feel like I'm just now really seeing and owning my role in a lot of this. Can you help me stay on track?

I didn't give him any grief over the OW. I calmly said he's welcome to see who he wants and its up to him who he wants around the baby (since I declined meeting her).

He hates that I'm indecisive and change my mind constantly (partly personality, partly me trying to wrestle with wanting to work things out and still not letting go of what made me upset with him in the first place.)

Also, I've noticed about myself that I'm IMPATIENT and am trying to work on patience as my #1 goal. Slowing things waaaay down. Pushing for too much too fast has been perhaps my biggest downfall in all of this.

I also need to give him space. I hate that there always seems to be a reason to contact him, but from now until the baby arrives in August I shouldn't have any valid reason to reach out. How do I keep my hands off the send button to let him live his life?

[AnotherStander]

Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome to the community! Glad you finally came out of the shadows to participate

Instead, I feel like despite knowing better I keep making the same mistakes and sabotaging what could have been a million chances at reconciliation.

We all backslide. MWD says in DR to not let it get to you, just pick yourself up, learn from it and keep moving forward. You've already seen the DB techniques work, so at least you know what to do!

He wasn't financially pitching in to my taste and wasn't making time to help out with things that needed taken care of at home.

Have you read the Five Love Languages? It's very helpful in teaching us how to communicate our wishes and needs to our spouses without it coming off as nagging. It sounds like you had legitimate concerns, I'm just wondering if perhaps the way you presented those concerns may have seemed like nagging to him.

He's moved in and out of the house no less than 15 times since then.

Wow!! That makes me thing that maybe you're letting him come back too soon. Before letting him back in again I'd suggest a commitment to MC and/ or Retrouvaille.

I'm finally posting in the forum because I've seen with my own eyes that the DB techniques work for a struggling marriage. Training for a half marathon brought him back. Acting as if I was moving on with my live without him brought him back. Going dark brought him back.

Thanks for sharing that, it always helps people when they hear that the techniques do work

So here I am 2 months away from having our first child together and he's just informed me he's 'talking to' another woman.

Congrats on the pregnancy! Sorry to hear things aren't going well with H though.

I need to do two things. 1) Start with a beginners mind (and am looking for suggestions) on how to DB as a pregnant lady with limited options for GAL and 180's

For GAL you obviously can't go crazy since you're 7 months pregnant, so just stick with baby-focused stuff- getting the house ready, reaching out to friends for support, exercise as much as you can, etc. As far as 180's, I'd focus on this:

He hates that I'm indecisive and change my mind constantly

Think about what you can do to change that pattern. And the patience too, which is a huge issue of mine as well. DB'ing sure teaches patience though!

How do I keep my hands off the send button to let him live his life?

Just remember what worked in the past- time and space.

Good luck!

[slow_it_down]

Thanks for the reply AnotherStander.

I've had many high highs and low lows in the past 10 months but yesterday started out as one of those days were just getting out of bed was a struggle. Posting and getting my sitch down on paper really helped and the day ended on a much better note.

After some reflection last night I realized that despite knowing for a very long time that I'd be seeing my H again in August (when the baby arrives) no matter what happened between us between now and then, it finally sunk in that the decisions I make right now have tremendous impact on how that interaction will look when the day of our son's arrival rolls around. My H is not currently 'angry' at me, and has been quite respectful, albeit distant while seeing OW. If I don't leave him alone to live his own life and have the time and space to figure things out for himself than I have the potential to burn through any remaining goodwill he's got left in him. By not leaving him alone I can't make things better but I can certainly make them a whole lot worse!

I thought to myself how much better it would feel to 'drop the rope' right now, stop all contact, and be able to call guilt free in August to say 'It's Time!' knowing that I didn't do anything to sabotage our time together in the weeks leading up to delivery. I can't control whether or not he'll have an OW in his life come August. I can't control whether or not he'll be relaxed and comfortable in the hospital with me. I can't make him love me... all I can do is make the decision to leave him alone and stick to it because if I don't leave him alone I can all but guarantee the OW will be in the picture and he'll be miserable around me. Setting the very specific goal of having no contact until I go into labor has really helped free my mind to think about other things today.

In terms of changing my mind constantly, I think the whole idea of 'slowing things down' and thinking things through is something I'm going to have to continue to be overly conscious of when making decisions about life. I tend to rush into things or say things I can't take back. Every time my H has moved out I've told him I can't allow him to come back if he leaves again. The fact that I've said that 15 times should be sign enough that making such permanent and strong statements isn't working! I need to practice keeping my mouth shut and giving myself a few days, or weeks, to think important things through. I don't have to figure out my whole life in the next 15 minutes. I have a place to live. I have food to eat. I have a job. I have air to breath, anything else I can decide about tomorrow (or next year). I don't need to rush to have all the answers in this moment.

[slow_it_down]

Feeling down today. Feeling like I can't concentrate and that thoughts of missing H are all consuming. I've been keeping busy in the weeks since my H left, setting goals for myself and trying to GAL but in the moments in between being busy my mind just races.

This past weekend I took a road trip with my guitar to practice by the water in a place I love. I'm still very new to playing but I always thought it would be nice to have someone playing guitar when hanging out and since no one I know plays I decided I'd have to learn myself. The day was lovely, sunny, I even took a boat tour on the river. Then I started bawling on the way home.

One minute I feel fine, confident and blessed and for many good things in life. The next I feel the pains of despair and like there just isn't enough air to breathe.

I was glowing with pride last night after cooking a healthy meal from scratch (I've always relied on Mr. Microwave for all cooking so this is a 180 in the works for me). Then today I felt tears forming in my eyes over lunch when talking to co-workers about my cooking achievement when one unknowing of my sitch asked "did your husband like what you cooked?"

Anyone have any good tricks for taking their mind off things when your mind begins to race? I don't feel anger towards him. I don't feel any desperate urge to reach out or contact him. I just feel sadness.

[slow_it_down]

Its been over 3 weeks since I've seen my H or spoken to him on the phone. Aside from a few emails regarding picking things up from the house the only communication we've had is the email he sent asking me two weeks after he left if I wanted to meet his new gf before our baby is born. I don't know what it is but of the 15 times he's come and gone from my life there is something that feels 'different' this time. I feel less hope than I have in the past that he'll come back around. Knowing there is definitely an OW in the picture I know he's more distracted than he may have been in the past, but even so, he seemed closer to 'done with all of this' than he had in previous separations.

I think the most frustrating part of my sitch is the timing of things. I feel like we married and moved in together right around the very start of an MLC for him, like getting married contributed to an emotional spiral for him. He'd been trying to move up in his career and marrying me put a few limits on how far he could move in a very competitive job market.

I tried so hard when we were dating to ask the 'important' questions and to be completely honest about what I wanted so we'd have no surprises. I asked him early on when dating if it was a problem to have to stay moderately close to where we live now even if it meant not being able to take jobs far away. Of course being eager to keep the relationship going he said he could live with his current job if it meant we could be together. It wasn't long into our marriage that he hated his job and just couldn't take it any more.

Suddenly he went into 'oh woe is me' mode where he was the victim of everything in life - from work to the weather spiting his every move. He felt like if work wasn't going to reward him with more pay he could use the money he was making to buy things that made him feel better (like not 1 but 2 boats). He felt like if he had to work 90 hours a week he should be able to do whatever he wanted with no responsibility when he wasn't working. He'd work 90 hours and then spend his only free time working on his boats, hunting, fishing etc.

When we were dating he'd find the energy to hang out and spend time with me but after we were married he was just too tired all of the time to do anything but nap when he wasn't at work. (We are talking an immediate change within months, not years like people just getting 'comfortable' and starting to put less work into a relationship).

He'd swear he couldn't get off work for any reason only to find a way to take long trips out of town for things he wanted to do, but then when it came to things with me work always came first. When I first approached him about these things he said "this is what you signed up for when we got married, you knew I worked a lot." And I agree I did sign up for that, but I also thought I signed up for a husband that would want to spend time with me, spend time helping at least somewhat taking care of things that needed fixed at the house and wanted to contribute at least some money into our family expenses.

What I've wrestled with in the 10 months since I blew up at him initially is wondering whether he's truly feeling the stress and burnout from work and going through an MLC for which I should stand for him or if he's just someone who isn't really willing to be part of a marriage.

I know that I could have been more supportive of him when we were together. I have a list of things I'm working on for myself through this DB process. What plagues us is that every time we come closer to reconciling he makes choices that put us farther away (ex we talk to MC about me wanting him to contribute financially and he goes out and buys a new sportscar). Or I tell him I want to do a better job managing work and family balance and then he can't go on an expensive vacation at the last minute because he didn't find someone to cover for him. (Nothing like spending Christmas alone at a pool in another state.)

I love his hardworking nature and dedication to his job. I loved the time we did get to spend together when he made time for me and had energy before we got married. The question is - do I keep DB'ing, hoping to get him back and really work through things to find out if this is an MLC that will pass? I keep vacillating between just plain missing him, making excuses for his behaviors and choices and wanting to move on knowing that whether he's here or not life isn't all that different.

Sorry this is all over the place. Journalling a bit to work through some of what I'm feeling. I'm a 100% believer in marriage and like many people here never thought I'd be in this position. I've heard of the beginning of marriages being rough but this is just plain confusing! One minute we are separated, the next we are looking into building a house together, then we are talking about how badly he wants to have a baby with me but then when I get pregnant he's out of the house again and buying tv's, cars and now dating an OW to fill the space.

[slow_it_down]

Maybe I need this unchosen separation more than I realized if I'm really going to learn to give up expectations and also prove to myself that I'm capable of unconditional love and real acceptance for who my H is should my H decide to reach out or rekindle things later.

Earlier in the week my H mentioned he'd be dropping a birthday card in the mail for my D6 (from a previous marriage). I just returned from an empty mailbox and had he sent something as planned it would have been here days ago. I feel a little bit of a personal confidence boost in overcoming this eeensy weensie sized challenge of not getting upset that he didn't do what he said he would.

My H works a stressful job and must keep track of a million details all day long. When we were married I always told myself to cut him slack and not take it personally when he couldn't keep track of family or household things once he left work for the day (like his brain needed to just relax after work) - now's my chance to practice what I couldn't master while married without any pressure to see if its something I can do and really be satisfied with doing.

So what if there was no card - maybe he forgot, maybe he didn't send it on purpose. Either way the sun is still shining here on a lovely Friday afternoon. I got this.

[slow_it_down]

DBing, being separated and going dark is depressing when it comes to step kids. My H has been in my D6's life for the past 4 years - meaning he's been there for as long as she can remember. Now suddenly he's just not there and has no real reason to stay in touch with her or my S9 since they aren't technically his kids and he doesn't want to be part of our family any longer.

My kids haven't seen my H (their step father) for a full month and have randomly been bringing him up the past few days. Last night my D6 said "I want to call him, to see if he's coming back when the baby is born. I want him to come back."

Its heart wrenching to see a child in pain. Its even harder to tell her we can't call. If I knew she'd just call to say hi and to chat I would let her call, but having her call to say she missed him and to ask when he'd be back would only push him further away. If he were reaching out to talk to them I'd be fine with it, but I can't push the other direction if he no longer sees himself as their step father.

The last time my H moved back in (on Mother's Day) my D6 gave him a whole spiel about how he needs to stay in one place. He needs to either stay with us or stay at work (I guess that's where she thinks he goes when he's not living with us). He didn't get upset but he also didn't really respond. At that point I don't think he would've expected to be moving out again a few days later.

I guess I'm just sad to think that even though I know deep down I'll be fine one way or another eventually, that I feel remorse for bringing someone into my kids lives, not keeping up my end of the bargain on being a supportive wife and now just like that he's gone out of their lives.

[slow_it_down]

Today, an unexpected credit card charge for my turnpike ez pass led to a very interesting day for me. I haven't been anywhere requiring tolls lately (trying to limit my travel to save money for the baby) so not thinking I logged in to see where the charges were from.

It turns out the charges were from my H who seems to have forgotten to take my transponder out of his car. Oh look, the H that told me all through our dating and marriage that he could never go to the beach in the summer, even on weekends, because his job responsibilities didn't allow him to leave town seems to have taken one of the first weekends we've been separated to go to the beach. (undoubtedly with OW).

This got me thinking on two topics. First, this is not the first time he's magically been able to make other people or himself a priority over his work responsibilities when he never seemed to be able to do this for me. I remember reading in someone else's sitch where if someone does the same thing 3 times you have to decide whether it is something you can live with or not and if you decide to live with it you just have to let it go. So I asked myself 'Can I live with him not being able to make me a priority over his work if we were to reconcile?' At times I feel like I put him on this pedestal and I think its good to have reminders that unconditional love after all of this could involve a lot of 1-sided sacrifice should this turn out to be who he is at heart (vs just going through a MLC). Am I humble enough for that? I'm not sure.

The other thought I had was in regard to this OW. I have been doing my best not to dwell on her or who she might be because it doesn't really matter. If it wasn't her it'd be someone else. Every now and again I catch myself thinking 'I bet he's on his best behavior, having energy to stay up and hang out, doing fun things, not working as much. I bet she's getting to go out in the boat I never got to go out in that he spent all last summer working on instead of spending time with me, driving around in the sports car he bought when I complained he wasn't financially contributing' And I think "Of course he's having more fun with her. She probably isn't tied down by having kids around. She isn't pregnant.'

Its so easy to get caught up in seeing how appealing either one of them would be right now. Boat, car, sunshine, no pesky kids or responsibilities messing things up. But I decided to end my own pity party by thinking, I am who I am and if its not what he wants there isn't much I can do about it. Me and my kids are deserving of love and I wouldn't trade what I bring to the table even if I could (meaning go back to being single, fun and available at the drop of a hat to go out).

[lovethehub]

Just want to tell you that you aren't alone on here, I just read your thread. I don't have much advice at the moment but want to let you know I am here, listening. It is tough going through this, throw in a pregnancy and I know it is worse (been there, too, ow and all!) Maybe we have a lot in common, my current H has left (emotionally) countless times and I started out a WAW and ended up a LBS.

I will keep following, I am sure I will have something to say soon!

[AnotherStander]

I can't control whether or not he'll have an OW in his life come August. I can't control whether or not he'll be relaxed and comfortable in the hospital with me. I can't make him love me... all I can do is make the decision to leave him alone and stick to it because if I don't leave him alone I can all but guarantee the OW will be in the picture and he'll be miserable around me.

Good thinking, and yes, you're right. But try to change your focus, you're still very husband-centered in your thinking. The time and space is as much for you as for him. You need time and space to decide what YOU want out of life too. In your later posts I'm starting to get the impression that your H is VERY selfish, and if that's accurate, you don't deserve that. You don't deserve an H that places cars, boats and girlfriends before you. If he decides to come back again then you should set some very firm boundaries, you can't keep the revolving door policy going with him as he will continue to walk all over you.

Every time my H has moved out I've told him I can't allow him to come back if he leaves again. The fact that I've said that 15 times should be sign enough that making such permanent and strong statements isn't working!

Probably because it's a threat rather than a boundary, and it's not well-defined. If there is a "next time" then you need to develop defined boundaries, and consequences if those boundaries are crossed.

This past weekend I took a road trip with my guitar to practice by the water in a place I love. I'm still very new to playing but I always thought it would be nice to have someone playing guitar when hanging out and since no one I know plays I decided I'd have to learn myself.

Fantastic GAL effort, keep it up!

One minute I feel fine, confident and blessed and for many good things in life. The next I feel the pains of despair and like there just isn't enough air to breathe.

Just understand that it's NORMAL to feel that way! You don't need to fight it, you don't need to think something is wrong, you don't need to wonder why others seem to heal faster than you. Those are YOUR emotions and it's just fine to feel them and to cry, it's part of the road to healing.

Anyone have any good tricks for taking their mind off things when your mind begins to race?

Whatever works for you, maybe taking that guitar out and going somewhere peaceful. Grief would hit me at strange times, like at the gym. What helped me was to ask myself "what is different right this second than when I was married?" The answer was usually "nothing". In other words, when I was married and at the gym I was there without W, so now that I'm separated and at the gym, it's no different, I'm still there without W. In that regard the "difference" in my sitch was purely my state-of-mind.

I remember reading in someone else's sitch where if someone does the same thing 3 times you have to decide whether it is something you can live with or not and if you decide to live with it you just have to let it go. So I asked myself 'Can I live with him not being able to make me a priority over his work if we were to reconcile?'

Also keep in mind that you do NOT want to be a doormat, ever. There is no doormat behavior that you should ask "can I live with this?" because it's not healthy for you or your M. Your H putting you on the back burner while he tinkers with cars, boats and affair partners is just unacceptable.

Every now and again I catch myself thinking 'I bet he's on his best behavior, having energy to stay up and hang out, doing fun things, not working as much. I bet she's getting to go out in the boat I never got to go out in that he spent all last summer working on instead of spending time with me, driving around in the sports car he bought when I complained he wasn't financially contributing' And I think "Of course he's having more fun with her. She probably isn't tied down by having kids around. She isn't pregnant.'

We have a name for that here- "mind-reading". Don't do it. It's usually inaccurate, and it always puts you in a worse frame of mind. The next time you start doing it then tell yourself "oh here I go with the mind-reading again, stop that!" You'll probably find that now that you can put a name on it it'll make it easier to stop yourself from doing it.

Me and my kids are deserving of love

EXACTLY!