Me 8 months on, dark and trying to detach.

[InnerStrength]

GALbaby, I believe in the Longevity Project it was revealed that parental divorce was a bigger factor in a younger death than parental death. It's definitely comparable in severity to death by that measure, though we treat death with so much more seriousness while divorce often cops a "you'll be right!" attitude (especially in Australia!).

[Fartiltre]

Hi HWA

I have been reading your sitch for a long time, following your ups and downs and reading about all the work that you have been doing!

What comes to me is this:
When you seems happy it does not come from interactions with your W. It comes when you feel developing you or interactions with your sons or other people you care about.

It could be that I misinterpret you or your sitch and then you can just discard all this!

At the only MC session we had, within two weeks of BD, the counsellor told me the W was very depressed, as per the questionaire we both filled out. I still worry if she is depressed and the lack of communication with me, the change in her communication with the family (very reduced) is part of this.

STOP the worrying! It is killing you! I understand your concerns for W but I also think that you are looking for an alternate reason for B. Whether she is depressed or not – you cant change it and you cant help her!

I wonder if she is WAS or MCL/Empty nester or non of these based on how she is acting ie: simply no communication and no contact with regards to the houses being sold or names changed on the car registrations.

What difference will this do to you, the sitch, W or anything! Focus on you!

I wonder if she is feeding of the EA and vica versa (based on what this person has been like previously) or whether it is a PA.

Perhaps she is, perhaps she is not…..You can’t do anything about it!
You can be you and you are doing the he11 of a job on this one. Keep doing it! The kind of R that your W is in (whatever it is) will end according to statistics, vets and everything.
When this happens she will look back if she isn’t already! What do you want her to see!
Focus on you and only you!

I don't know how to handle my transfer back to the city. The approval will come to me in September and I have 7 days to go with it or decline. I feel if I go with it, I have let the W down and not supported her, especially if she is depressed and needs the support, even if she doesn't say so. I also feel if I don't take the transfer I will spend another year in the country without my W, without communication with her and counting the days down.

HWA, she does not want your support at the moment and if she at any point wants this you will work it out even on a distance.
Make this decision for you with no regards of W.

I am worried that I will simply get a letter from the lawyer saying I am divorced and have xx amount of time to purchase or sell the houses. Based on the valuations, I probably won't get a loan to purchase off the W, and we both lose a lot of money selling them.

Do the math and work on this one. Talk to the bank and stop guessing. Can you get the loan? What will it take to get it?
Find out which reality you will be facing if this happens.

I worry if I move back after being transferred, to our house, I will get the above letter from the lawyer and then my world is upside down again.

Same answer as above!

I will always worry that I am not doing enough to have the W want to work on the marriage. As though I am missing something.

I feel like this every day as well.
You looked yourself in the mirror three days ago “She divorced you” (Patientmans thread)
Now go to the same mirror and look again “Is this man the best he can be?”
If no; then continue what you are doing. Yes; isn’t a possibility for this one!

I am worried that I have gone back to being an emotional wreck like I was 8 months ago, maybe I haven't changed, as I am finding it harder and harder to being positive about this all.

Try to think about this feeling! Is it reasonable? Is it all right? Why do you feel it? Then distance your actions from the feeling.
You are 8 month in. R within half a year is almost impossible.

My worst worry is that I have been thinking about trying to fix my pain with an easy way out of all this. Simply getting all the financials in order and that is it.

Again – do the work! Get the golden view on the financials and your situation but do it for you and do not give it up!
You have been worried about this for a loooong time!


Please do take the above as caring! If it seems harsh I will not apologize for it but if it seems to be not well meant I sincerely do apologize!

HWA, you have been doing great but you have turned to focusing all your energy and thought towards W and worries.

Solve the things you can like the financials, learn to live with the rest – and then turn your focus on the things that makes you happy! Do turn your focus towards you, your children, friends and things that makes you happy!

If W is looking back your list isn’t showing the man that nobody would leave.
You have to find this guy within you and he is right below the guy who wrote your last post.

What will make you happy?
Do the list, do the work!

Read your own threads – you have come a long way and this is NOT the time to stop!

I understand your thoughts, get why you are hurting and think all of the above is things you already know!
I also know that writing this post is sooo incredibly easy compared to doing it - but do try!

All the best!

F

[JuneReN]

In all truthfulness kate's_place, I have no idea anymore what is best for me.

When you feel pretty peaceful inside with the decisions you make. At least I know then I am making decisions I can live with. They may not be the right ones, but they are the right ones at the point in time I make them. It is a learning curve, to not let emotions make these decisions. Yet, certainly in my case, they still get the better of me.
Am leaning to ride it out and wait for reason to kick in. Then I make the decision.

[JuneReN]

HWA, you are not moving ahead. You stated that you are "simply not happy without wife"

You can be. You've made a choice not to be. You've made the choice not to move forward for you. Not to look at all the options you have.

Do we all love our spouses? Yup. Do we want an R? Most of us, yup. Do we realize that we are going to have to be okay with the fact they may never come back to us? That is the journey.

You can love someone, be unhappy without someone, it doesn't change their mind and only affects your actions.

When are you going to start being happy for you? And your sons? Live where you fear to live HWA, the first step is the scariest and the most exhilarating.

[Fartiltre]

Hi HWA

Just came across this posted by AS:
You know it all - but do read it!

First I just want to emphasize to you that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Many of us came here expecting quick fixes, but there are none. Rarely does a sitch turn around in less than a year. Most people don't have the patience it takes and quit trying long before things start to turn around. So sit back and take a deep breath and prepare yourself for a lengthy journey. It may seem "unbearable" now, but you're hopefully going to learn a lot about yourself and find patience that you didn't know you had. Good luck!

HWA, you are not moving ahead.

I do agree on this one!
The points you posted will keep you stuck!
You have the path made out - continue walking it and keep on posting!

[hotwheelsaust]

Just found out the W didn't apply for her transfer home. Had a long phone chat that wasn't great. It seems she felt I had lost loving her a long time ago, I hadn't stopped loving her at all, just lost how to show my love for her in a way she wanted to see.

[adinva]

She's telling you, and acting upon, how SHE felt. You can say she's wrong all you want, but it is true to her. She felt unloved, and that is a rotten way to feel. Did you hear that in her words?

[BrightFuture]

Did you ask her what she thinks you can do to show your love to her?

[lovethehub]

and did you apologize for making her feel that way (without any justification as to why it happened), just a simple "I am so sorry I made you feel that because I love you very much"

[GALbaby]

and did you validate? Where did you go from there? Did she give you an idea of what her plans are next?