Defeat? Whose defeat? Honestly, you won, Stubborn. You made a conscious choice to do self-analysis and introspection to learn more about yourself and about certain behaviors & patterns so you are more self-aware. That's a true winner in my book!
I am with Wonka in the defeat thing. I'd just classify it as a project that has been completed and it's time for a new one. Somehow I think that has a better slant.
And I also know that you have had a lot of growth since the first time you started this process. I consider you a winner!
Hugs,
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I've been processing... I found the exit interview to be unsatisfactory. Finally have come to trust my own assessment of things. And accept P's truth as hers.
Today, I also asked my BFF for her take on things - what she thinks went wrong. True, she mostly has had my input, but not entirely, and she's a keen observer. She nailed my biggest failings and identified a couple problems on P's end, one of which had been particularly stressful for me. I was surprised how much relief I felt to have that validated. Actually, I felt that way about the whole conversation.
P's birthday is in a few days. It seems like every signal I've received indicates that I should not acknowledge it (the biggest being that she did not acknowledge mine last month), but that feels like crap. Perhaps it would just add to her guilt at the moment. Sigh. Any thoughts appreciated...
I've been sitting with this. Not liking it at all. And why? I've been following her lead this last year. Now that she's made the final cut and is tiptoeing around, acting guilty that she's devastating me or afraid that she's angering me, I feel like it's up to me to reach out to normalize relations. Maybe I should just leave it at doing my best to normalize relations when she reaches out.
An EE friend asked if I had told P that I forgive her. I said that seems presumptuous or arrogant. She said I need to address her shame if I want to be able to move past this and be friends.
I lamented P's guilt to a mutual friend who laughed and said, "That's P's thing. Feeling guilty." I guess I can't fix that, but I can do my best not to feed it or participate in it.
An EE friend asked if I had told P that I forgive her. I said that seems presumptuous or arrogant. She said I need to address her shame if I want to be able to move past this and be friends.
I agree with you, friend. She didn't ask for forgiveness. It's not up to us to interpret how someone might feel (even though their behaviors are pretty indicative) and assume they want you to offer something they didn't request.
If P feels guilty, then she can join the rest of us Catholics and learn how to work through it. It means that her actions are not in synch with her beliefs and values, and it's HER problem. Not yours. And it's not your job to make her feel better about living a life not authentic to her.
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Maybe I should just leave it at doing my best to normalize relations when she reaches out.
I like this approach much better. You're good at this, too.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
An EE friend asked if I had told P that I forgive her. I said that seems presumptuous or arrogant.
Not really. Forgiveness should be freely given when you are truly in that space. When I told DXW last Fall in our first phone conversation in years that I forgave her and that we all make mistakes. Immediately she softened up and became more responsive. From there and on, our interactions became much more easier. Food for thought, my dear Stubborn.
Bets