Hello All, I've not posted about me for a while. Mainly because I didn't feel the need, and secondly because I am becoming paranoid that my W will discover my postings. Even though I try to be vague, she is very intelligent and would put the pieces together easily enough - silly i know!
Not a lot has happened since I posted. Life at home is good, we are mostly getting on well and parenting together well. Thats about it, still living separate lives when the sunsets, but cooking for each other, spending time together with the kids at other times, ie weekends. Still planning a vacation for the kids.
I still have feelings for my W, still love her and want the best for her, and that's an honest feeling. I am still very attracted to her at times, but not others. I do feel like i am detached as well as i can be right now, and by that i mean i don't feel that what she does really concerns me too much, I don't worry so much about what she up to and who she is talking to. Not sure if its because i have detached or whether i have given up on her a little.
Over the past few weeks i have thought a lot about life without my W, and i have to be honest as scary and sad as it is, I also find it quite exciting. I have been looking at possible houses, a place that could be MINE! And sometimes I drive home at night and on the long drive wonder whether it would be nice if I was not going home to my W. I also get excited about a life with somebody new; a person that loves me, excites me, and is equally excited by me.
This may all sound strange, and I would like nothing more than for our M to survive and for us to be in love again. But right now I do wonder whether its for the best, or if thats what I want. I am not sure i can imagine ML to my W any more, not sure how i would feel about it.
She of course is still set on D, set on going our own way. And even though there has been no mention of the D word for weeks now, we have had conversations about being apart, how we would need to do things when it happens, and all of the normal little comments. I have found a way to answer to these now, a way that does not agree or show me as being uneasy - i just answer in a way that is vague and non committed. For example W says 'you need to get used to watering the plants yourself', i will reply with 'yes that is true' - my thoughts are whether we are D or together its probably still correct that i should learn to do water the plants myself!
My thoughts on OM. If there is one, I don't give a sh*t right now. Not going to ask, not going to spy, not going to think about it all the time (of course its on my mind a little), but at the end of the day - she wants it, she'll go get it - because in her mind we are no longer in a R, the M is just paperwork that needs correcting!
I do worry that I am not DBing enough, that I am slipping back into old 2.4 mode. I am pretty sure i am not, at the end of the day the changes i have made are still there, I am still better in many aspects of my personality and physical appearance. Some things are hard to maintain, and i had to drop a couple to avoid exhausting myself.
With the way life is, I could carry on like this for a while longer. Eventually my W will move out, move on and see if its what she wants, she just needs a job to enable her to do that. And she will in time. So I am wondering whether or not what i am doing is keeping things pleasant, friendly, and showing W that the new me, who i do enjoy being, but not really doing enough to rescue the M.
I know i can't fix her, and nothing i can do will change things quickly. But should i be trying some more drastic measures, or stick with the plan as is and wait it out?
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
I too need to "turn the dim up" and am looking for ways to do that.
Are you home every night? Maybe you could start being "out" one or two nights a week. I don't mean all night, just out for the evening. And of course being appropriately vague if W asks what you are doing.
How do you think you could become less available to your W?
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I haven't read your story thoroughly, but I get moments as you have described as well. Not much to offer you except a (hug) and a empathetic ear (eye). Lol!
I have tried to stay out of my H's way, really hard with the kids and I do know about OW in my case, and you are right....they will do what they want.
I hear a lot of acceptance in your post. Maybe that is just me...I am there for the most part, but don't like it...this is rough stuff.
Please do take care, as you seem to be doing.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Many Thanks all, good to be back. Yes it's rough but at the same time it's fun; time to find myself. Maybe this is all for the best.
If I didn't have kids I would be off, having fun, living life to the max . But they are the important things in my life, they matter, and at the end of the day they are the ones that need to be taken care of through all of this.
Yes I have accepted, its the only way, if I don't accept I will go crazy.!!'
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Sorry also meant to add, yes I am getting out at least 3 times a week. Not tonight, but when it's possible. And it's good. Life right now is good. Shame I didn't do this when I was M. Things may have turned out different:
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
She of course is still set on D, set on going our own way.
Don't be so sure of this. There is likely still a bit of ambiguity in her mind. ESPECIALLY, since she is still in your M home, and you both are getting along well.
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I do worry that I am not DBing enough, that I am slipping back into old 2.4 mode. I am pretty sure i am not, at the end of the day the changes i have made are still there, I am still better in many aspects of my personality and physical appearance. Some things are hard to maintain, and i had to drop a couple to avoid exhausting myself.
Was it you who posted an exhausting list of changes/gal?
Yes, just be your (improved) self for you, and don't worry about putting on a show for W.
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So I am wondering whether or not what i am doing is keeping things pleasant, friendly, and showing W that the new me, who i do enjoy being, but not really doing enough to rescue the M.
I know i can't fix her, and nothing i can do will change things quickly. But should i be trying some more drastic measures, or stick with the plan as is and wait it out?
What would you consider a more drastic measure? Why do you think it would help your M?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Was it you who posted an exhausting list of changes/gal?
Yeah think that was me. I think I am ok with about 70% the rest is still to work on.
The problem i am facing at the moment is that I don't know which way to go. I thought I had given up, and would just move on and be happy with that. Life seemed easier that way, I have been getting on with life, enjoying myself. And life at home has been better, no worrying from me about what W was up to, what she thought of me. This made me relax a little and I have been cooling down on some of the things i had been religiously working on, my 180's and changes. Earlier this week i slipped up a little on one of my changes and my W made a comment about it, i think this came about because i have let me guard down a little, maybe also because i am a little worn down. My point is, it really hit me hard and when my W picked me up on it, I felt like i had slipped down a very long slide back to how i felt months ago
I guess this proves that there is still a lot of work to do for me, and that I am not ready to give up yet, otherwise my Ws comment would not get to me.
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What would you consider a more drastic measure?
Maybe trying something completely different to rock the boat a little, see if it changes anything. Why i don't know - because life is pretty nice at home at the moment so it could turn bitter if I try something silly
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Why do you think it would help your M?
Not sure it would, maybe i was thinking it would wrap things up one way or the other quicker.
IDK i am extremely confused at the moment, not sure what i want right now.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
