And so the piecing begins.....

[Tryin2figuritout]

Hey Folks,

Haven't posted my background, but you can get the highlights in my signature line. Classic story that's all too familiar here with a WAW who was a SAHM for nearly 10 years and me the workaholic. Yadda yadda yadda and let's get divorced. That process was all under way until last week when out of the blue we were texting and she was questioning everything, so maybe we should try.

Looking for some advice on how to keep the pressure to a minimum on my WAW. She's feeling completely horrible for giving up on our marriage and she believes that she's the only one that will mess this up (our potential reconciliation). We're seeing a LMFT who we both really enjoy and I'm hoping my wife will start seeing an individual counselor as I think she needs it.

I am in absolutely NO HURRY whatsoever and continue to profess this to her. Just looking for anyone's comments on the start to piecing and not rushing things into oblivion!!!

Many thanks,

[~ kd ~]

Are you certain that she wants to try? Aside from her suggesting that maybe the two of you should "try", have you seen any movement by her to suggest that is the case?

How are you working on changing your work behaviours?

What other complaints did she have regarding you and the M?

[Tryin2figuritout]

Yes as she's stated so and we've discussed plenty since her change of mind. She's scared about how to proceed and I'm just trying to keep her fears of failing at bay. I'm nervous too, but if you worry on failing you can't really give it a full try.

I've done a complete 180 on work partially because we have a 50/50 arrangement with the kids, but also because this has been a huge gut check for me. All of the complaints that have come out through our therapy sessions (both in the Fall and recently) are being addressed....this has been one of the reasons she's changing her mind as she's said I'm doing the things she always wanted to and little did I know I really enjoy doing them as I had always been too distracted by work.

Communication, intimacy, being there were all major complaints. Our actually relationship has been far better since separating than before because I believe the stress level dropped. This is one of the things she's most worried about (stress creeping back in when we try).

[~ kd ~]

Have you read "5 Love Languages"?

Also, when you say that you are trying to keep her fears at bay, can you clarify?

[Tryin2figuritout]

Yes, we read that back in the fall and have identified our languages. We haven't really had a chance to use them as we've been on the separation / divorce road for a little while.

For her fears, she is afraid of being the reason we fail. She knows that i would walk this path forever. I think she needs more time to process her emotions in this regard before we can really begin. I think her nerves are getting the best of her after we might have gotten a bit ahead of ourselves over last weekend talking about everything (the future).

KD - I'd be happy to provide a good bit of background if that would help. I really appreciate your questions.

Trying

[~ kd ~]

Yes, I'm sure some background would help.

It is said that piecing can be harder than the work just post BD. Not because it is hard for two people to get together. Rather without doing some major work, the two of you are prone to repeat past behaviours and could end up back here again for the same reasons.

This will take time and is still SBT work.

What is her LL and what is yours?

Aside from her fear that she could be the reason the R fails, what pressures do you think she feels and how can you pull back in those areas?

[Tryin2figuritout]

Here's some more background:
1) Too much taking for granted of my wife on my part as I had dedicated myself to providing through work.

2) Wife felt like I just was not there (I've called it sleepwalking since I've dug deep and seen this....hindsight) for her. Because of this she distanced herself to protect herself and has realized this is what she's done since childhood (protecting).

3) Because of #2, I've become depressed over the past few years, but never realized it until after analyzing, digging deep after she initially told me ILYBINILWY in the fall.

4) We separated at the end of February with our kids staying home and she/I staying at our family's houses when not our designated days. We were signed up for Retrouvaille in March but that week she said no to the retreat and that she wanted a divorce. Since then, I've had a really huge awakening and am on the path to better myself physically, mentally and emotionally.

5) Since her decision to divorce, we've met with the attorneys and drafted up everything, but it has not been filed yet. My state requires a 12-month cooling off period from the date it is filed until it is official. She moved at the end of April into another house, but all this did was delay her dealing with our divorce if that makes sense. She had been completely focused on the move, what she needed, logistics, etc. and then upon finally settling down after moving it's hit her hard.

6) She went to a work conference in a city we've been together before and it was during the same time I took our kids on vacation which meant that it was longest time she'd been away from the kids ever. When she was coming back from the trip, she was ready to talk about bringing the family back together. This past weekend we talked about everything and she's beyond upset about giving up on me. I've tried to tell her that she carried us for a long time (when she was feeling lonely), so don't feel bad. I've forgiven her and even thanked her because I know I wouldn't have had the awakening I did without her pushing for divorce.

7) She's scared because she is putting all the weight on her shoulders about being a failure in our relationship because she trusts me but does not trust herself in trying to reconcile. What I mean by this is she's stated that the only one of us who will screw it up is her because she's afraid her walls will come back up at some point (defense mechanism mentioned earlier). With the tools I've learned through DB/DR and others, I'm confident in what I can bring and how this all can work, but she's not close to understanding the relationship information I have now learned. I also believe she will not really listen or soak in what I'm telling her about this yet as she's looking for guidance from our family counselor.

LL - She's action and I'm words/quality time. Problem is I've always used words for her and missed out on actions. Note to self ;-)

I don't think there's much to pull back as I hit the brakes big time after last weekend because I could sense her fear. I'm just being the best dad I can be, continuing to listen, listen, listen to her, but not really bring up the relationship. Just being positive, which she's noticed, and enjoying myself.

I think the hardest part here is seeing the door open, but knowing I can't open it more. I need to keep my expectations to nothing at all and just ride the wave. When she's ready to open the door (if this happens) I think she will. I think this will happen very slowly and I need to understand this. I'm obviously glad to be in this position, but it shakes you up tremendously as you can't help but get excited and lose a little control of yourself.

Hope this helps and again appreciate your feedback!!

Trying

[~ kd ~]

Great stuff in your reveal, Trying.

The piecing forum can be slow, although there will be others to come along and support you through this.

I wanted to let you know I'm about to go GAL and will respond more later.

For now, a bit of homework for you:

+ explain how you think that #3 is a result of #2. Consider this carefully, reminding yourself that while there is cause and effect, the effect is always our choice. Why do you think YOU CHOSE to react with #3?

+ On the LL, how can you show your love in a way that is not pressure and how can you KNOW you are being loved by her?

+ on #7, you are most likely correct that she does not have the tools you have. How do you think you might address #7 in a DB / SBT way?

[Concerned_Listener]

You and your W are working at building connection, trust, and intimacy. Things seem to be moving forward.

CL

[Tryin2figuritout]

Concerned Listener - Thanks for the support!!

KD - Good assignments and here's my thoughts:

#3 vs. #2 - I've been able to see how all of our defense mechanisms pulled us apart. It was like a bad symbiotic relationship in when I didn't listen, she pulled away, which made me feel alone = depression. Now that I see this, I've been able to break the cycle by being a better man. Obviously right now, I know I'm not going to get what I want in terms of the relationship, but I've learned to control my emotions and my reaction. This is so important to be able to move forward.

I was depressed because that was the easy way out. I don't want that anymore as this has been a real gut check and each of us get one shot at this so why crawl under the rock when you can jump on top and see the sights!!

LL - I think I could use a re-read on the LL's that apply to us, so more homework!! Hated it in school, but really thriving on it during this mess!!

#7 - First thing I'm doing is only using opportunities where she brings up our R to discuss or provide her with insights / tools I've learned. She is desperate to see our LMFT (who she sees tomorrow) and really trusts her. She does trust me, but I don't think she's had that mental/emotional breakthrough yet to really listen to what I have to say on all this (mainly talking about my process through everything).

She has an older female co-worker who is also being super helpful to my wife. She's giving her great advice on all this about taking it slow to prevent falling into old traps, looking to starting fresh/going forward, etc. Good news is she's another person my wife trusts and listens to....

I'll have to give more consideration of steps I can make that will not ramp up the pressure.

Thanks so much for your insights and homework!!

Trying