Hello, this is my first post and I have completed 3 telephone sessions with Chuck. My wife told me on April 1st that she thinks she wants a divorce. Said she loves me but not in love anymore, said that I'm am awesome, that she could never find anyone better and she's prob making a huge mistake but she just wants to be alone. Says that she doesnt feel we have the passion or spark that a married couple should. To which I say, 3 kids under 6 and always been poor which is stressful. Doesn't believe that marriage has to last forever and that she will never be remarried again. We hardly ever fought, no nagging, got along great, parent great together with our S:5, S:4, and S: 8 months. She has been taking anti depressants since our 5 year old was born and said these feeling started when she got pregnant with our youngest son and never went away. She realizes everyone thinks its her depression but she says no and I myself think she's not acting depressed. She has been moved out for about 1.5 months now and she rented a house. I'm a fire fighter on a 48 hrs on and 72 hours off schedule and I have the boys everyday that I'm not at work. She owns her own salon. She said she felt trapped in marriage and doesn't want to be held accountable to anyone. She says there is no one else, and won't be anyone. And I believe her cause I've checked. I just had to know the truth. She thinks we are still a family but we just aren't together, even wants to still go on our vacation to her parents in MD in August together as planned. To which I say ?????????. I truly hope after some time on her own she realizes she wants this family together but I have to be realistic also. We have been together 10 years and married 7.5. I do not call her, text her or talk to her about us. Only about the kids. Don't send her cards or flowers or say I love you. She not willing to try marriage counseling at this time but said we will see how it goes. I'm doing everything I can to follow chucks advice on how to treat a walk away spouse. It's just so hard be patient. I want my family back together. Any advice or support would be appreciated greatly. I have not heard anyone with this same story to the point where she says I'm awesome and never tells anyone I did anything wrong, she just wants to live alone. Said she a diff person. Went from a Christian republican 7 years ago to an agnostic democrat now. That's def a change I'd say.
Me:33 W:32 S:5 S:4 S:8 months M:7.5 Together 10
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
I have not heard anyone with this same story to the point where she says I'm awesome and never tells anyone I did anything wrong, she just wants to live alone.
Yes, there are very similar stories. Mine is one. W said she still loves me (but isn't "in love"), she respects me, she even told our MC that she enjoys the sex. She went on and on about all the wonderful things I do- great father, excellent fix-it guy around the house, keeps the yard perfect, etc. etc. But she kept saying "I just don't want to try". She even told the C that she's sure if she did try that the M could be saved, but she just didn't/ doesn't want to. The only difference is we've been married about twice as long as you and our kids are older. Otherwise your sitch sounds very much like mine. My W also started anti-depressants around the time our 3rd was born. I have no idea if that's a contributing factor or not, but I will say that I've read many articles since BD about A/D's and how they can make people fall out of love with their spouses and even their children. But that's a dead end because if she's like my W, you'll never get her off of them. So you do what you can which is give her time and space while focusing on yourself and your kids.
Quote:
She thinks we are still a family but we just aren't together, even wants to still go on our vacation to her parents in MD in August together as planned. To which I say ?????????
Many things WAS's do are confusing. Just roll with it. If she becomes involved in an affair then you may consider cutting her out of the family activities, but for now there's no harm. I'll just add that for several months after BD my W stayed home and actively participated in family stuff too. Once she moved out all that changed though.
Quote:
I do not call her, text her or talk to her about us. Only about the kids. Don't send her cards or flowers or say I love you.
Good, you're taking the right approach. I think it's Mach1 that says "keep all talk to bills and boys" or something like that. Keep in mind that this takes time, don't expect to see any positive results from your W in days or weeks. It'll take months or maybe even years.
Quote:
It's just so hard be patient.
You can totally do this. I am the most impatient person in the world. Take a look at the timeline in my signature, I'm coming up on one year since BD. If I can have this kind of patience, anyone can, LOL!
Thank you all for the encouragement and advice. I def have got a life. I meet with friends I haven't seen in years, I got back onto Facebook and talking to family I haven't talk to in years, I'm hitting the gym really really hard and since all this happen I've gone from 25% body fat to 14% and gained a lot of muscle. I am even meeting a girl out for dinner I just met. And every time I drop the kids off I dress up like I'm going out to dinner and have new cologne on and then just go to the gym and change in the locker room. Lol. Part of staying a mystery as chuck told me to be. I feel silly doing it but I'm committed to wanting my family to work and will do what needs to be done or not done until I know it's the real end. Thanks again!
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
I will go with Cadet here and suggest you, first, give your W some time and space and second, use this time to focus on you....think about the things you don't like about yourself, or things that you didn't like about your role in the marriage. Start digging into those things.
Have you read DR/DB? Start there, but afterwards, check out the Five Love Languages. It sounds like you may just not have been clicking on that front. Throw in an extended period of time, babies, and depression, and it doesn't seem unusual.
It sounds like you have at least been coached to do the right things....stick to it. Being patient is really hard, giving your spouse space is hard, focusing on you is really hard....but those are the best things you can do for your M at this time.
Kaffe, I can't say he had me try specific things, more coached me on how to "lovingly detach" when the "alien wife" would show up and start talking. As in just kinda half agree with what she's saying and dint take anything she says personal. Talked about without knowing my W, he knows 2 things about her, that she thinks she knows me, and that ill never change, so I need to respond to her in the opposite way that she thinks I will. And not letting her walk in my cause she has always gotten her way in our marriage. Which is one of my faults. Me wanting to keep the peace and really not caring about little decisions turned me into an appeaser in her eyes and she lost respect for me and then lost the spark. Makes a lot of sense cause I really did not much else wrong. I cook, clean, laundry, watched my kids... In a way I wants enough of the brawny man so to say. We only had 3 sessions and I wish I could afford more and maybe at some point will be able to. He was big on taking care of myself, trying new things, make myself a mystery to her.... That sort of stuff.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Why are you dating? I want to say a whole bunch about that, but I won't. I want to hear your reason.
So based on the conversations that you've had with Chuck, he specifically talked to you about:
+ detaching (emotionally from her words and actions; yet still love her) + 180s (change things about yourself that are valid issues; which shows you are capable of changing in positive ways) + GAL (getting out and not moping around the house) + boundaries / being assertive + being mysterious (pursuit / distance pattern)
I'm not sure what the "half agree" thing is. I'm guessing Chuck mentioned to listen and validate, even if you don't necessarily agree.
If the above list is pretty accurate, what are some ways that you have been working on the work list from Chuck?
Well yeah, let me clear up the date thing. It's not a date date, just dinner with someone that knows what I'm going through and asked if I wanted to get out and have fun night. She knows I'm all in for my marriage and I am very clear about that. I def know that I am in no emotional position to actually date anyone nor do I want to. As far as what I'm an I doing to follow Chucks advice? I have hit the gym very hard and changed my body a lot in the last 2 months I have updated my wardrobe and changed my look a bit. I have begun taking guitar lessons which I have wanted to do for a long time I have said NO to her when I believe she expected me to say yes, for example, she wanted me to call in sick to work so that she could go to her work cause her sitter fell through. I said yes to helping her move a small couch with my truck when I really feel she expected me to say no. So trying to do the opposite of what she thinks I will do. And as far as being mysterious I dress up when dropping the kids off to allow her to think I'm going out, I am vague with question she asked when they don't concern the kids or money, and that's really all I've had a chance to do. She really has not given me many opportunities to be mysterious but I'm just not volunteering any info.
And yes to the half agree with her. Listen and not arguing when she seems irrational.
Question for you though: I mentioned in my post that she sees no reason that we can't go on our planned vacation in August and she mentioned to her dad that she still plans on coming. How should I respond to her? The time together may help but am I allowing her to walk on me by basicay giving her a ride to her moms while her dad and I and our fee boys go camping the whole time? It's 2 months away and a Lot can happen but if it comes up now how should I respond?
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
