Not confused...looking inward

[BRNR]

Old thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2355092&page=10

I have to thank everyone who posted a response on what happened to me yesterday...a common theme amongst you all was a positive that I failed to see...which was H asking for my advice on a problem he was having. Strange isn't it...I didn't see it that way...always so good to get an outside perspective.

I am not putting any weight into it though, it could have been habit, or it could have been that he valued my opinion, or it could have been a way to contact me without seeming needy himself. Who knows. What I do know, is that the rest of the night and this morning went as it has with no change...although H seemed a little more "happy" this morning with the boys.

So as the title of my new thread goes, I am looking inward...I need to figure out what/how to go from here...and I want to touch on some things that were said by all of you yesterday...will pop in shortly.

[BRNR]

Portia -

Now YOU choose how you will react to him. He may have chosen to leave, the idiot, but now you have control over you. I know sometimes that isn't always comforting but in moments when we need our strength the most, it will mean a lot.

Yes, this does mean a lot. And yes, I will make choices based on me in the future and not what it may or may not do for the sitch.

MLC or not, they will always have to live with their choices. I would not want that on my head. To leave my family and take on an OW and her kid? Nope.

It concerns me that he has gone this far for me with OW. I do think it is real...and will probably be one of those relationships that might survive...(What is the 1% that do)...I guess I just can't see H making the same mistake twice and leaving a family, so once things settle on his end, I think this is and will be his future. Acceptance maybe on my part.

GolfMom -

I don't think he wants to push you too far away. You have been his family for a long time. OW is just someone he's trying out. MLCers do this.

Interesting GM - I did not know this. I am stuck on this idea of this being a true and real love for him, so the idea he is just trying it out hasn't crossed my mind as I said above...I think it is what it will be. While looking inward, I think this is my line that I have to give up on the marriage...I guess the thought that he would have to "leave" a family to go back to his original is not something I could see or would want him to do . Call me silly, but that is where I am and to know he would have to do this with OW and OWD to get back with us, I don't know that I could live with that...still trying to get some answers for me on that one.

I agree with snodderly about pausing before you respond. You are less likely to regret what's said. Your response was genuine, kind and loving. I'm guessing that you feel better about your communication today then you did on Sunday. Keep your heart open and your head out of it. In other words, silence your ego. It's so hard to do, especially when we think we're being taken advantage of. Truly, you won't be. Continue to show your H how you expect to be treated by keeping boundaries in place. Speak firmly when you need to, but always with kindness and honesty. If you do this I believe your H will see the real you instead of focusing on any negative events. It can be so hard, especially when your heart aches. I'm still learning this too. I just know that practicing what I've said above just feels better. I hope you experience the same.

Yes I did feel good about my response to H yesterday, and feel it countered the previous negative feelings. I am working on it, and do feel that my knee jerk reactions and my responses to H are getting better, but always can be improved.

Bright Future

This is exactly how I feel. My H is very stubborn and if decides on something, he sticks with his decision most of the time. However, there were cases in the past when he changed his mind. So, I’m still here.

Yeah, but there were not cases where my H changed his mind...my H has always made fast and firm decisions...and they have always worked for him. I feel this time is no different...what concerns me more is the decisions he doesn't make fast and firm...seems like a 180 for him, and while 180's are good for us LBS's, how is it looked when the MLC'er does a 180?

I don't know...today has been a day of acceptance and really looking inward...analyzing me and not H or sitch. Hence why I missed the positive yesterday...but I need more than one small positive to turn around, so going forward and trying not looking back, it is hard, so the progress will likely be very slow.

Back to work I go today.

[BRNR]

What is the saying 1 step forward, 2 steps back. When will this end? How is it possible that I can love someone who has treated me so horribly, and continues to do so? This I will never know.

I have been reading both online and books on how to heal from a breakup. Some days this works and some days, well I just feel so mixed up. Yesterday (and for most of the week) I had such an empowering day and felt alive and "comfortable" with life...today, down, down, down.

Well, not really down, maybe love struck in a sense. I saw H this morning when he picked up the boys, and while he didn't look "good" per se, I did have a moment where I almost walked up to him to give him a hug and tell him that I loved him. I think it caught me off guard, because while the moment was fleeting, it was followed by the moment of me telling myself "you know you can't do that". Ugh! I don't think I have had one of those urges in a long, long time.

Of course that sent my head in a swirl of emotions. More of "IF" he should come back to me all the work that would be involved to make "US" us again. I see how much work that would be, and at the moment, I am not getting through this too well, so I am concerned I would never make it through a R. IDK, too much future thinking, but that is where I am.

What bothers me at the moment is the "relationship" he is building with OW. Not so much OW, but the fact that he could get involved with someone so easily and have the level of a relationship he is having with her. I know I do a lot of wondering on that, and how great it possibly is, how it compares to our relationship, and how, if we were to R, H would get over it and the memories he built with her. I am not seeing how this doesn't carry into the future of any relationships and this usually drives me into anger...I don't have the energy to get angry this morning.

I am trying to not let it bother me, but on days where I miss H, the thoughts are overwhelming to say the least. Haunting almost, and until I get that Happy moment in my day, typically stays with me. Something I want to figure out how to move past more quickly.

This is definitely some hard stuff. I will say that I am proud of how far I have come. I wish I was a lot further along, but I am where I am, I guess.

I have a lot of blessings to be thankful for...mainly that I get up each morning, see my amazing children, and that I do have a pretty good life. For six months I have worked to keep things intact as much as possible, and so far so good.

So I do see my problems are not life itself, but what this sitch has done to my emotions. I was always strong, confident and sure. Probably overly stressed about everything, but was in control of my feelings, good or bad. Now I feel my feelings control me, not really comfortable with that, but when the feelings are good, I feel awesome, when they are bad, well I feel horrible. Maybe that is good, and I am just not coasting in life and really living it.

Sorry to be such a downer, I feel like it looks outside, dark, and gloomy, and rainy. Quite miserable. Hopefully I don't bring anyone down today with my yucky mess of emotions...

[BRNR]

So spent some time today catching up with the other sitches. Some good, some bad, some ugly!

Clearly there is going to be a lot more to my story....does it have a happy ending? I sure hope so!

I see a lot of strong people on these boards...I couldn't ask to be in better company while going through this.

So, I felt a little better by the end of my work day...it could have been the three donuts I ate. Today was National Donut Day and a business acquaintance bought donuts for my office. For some reason I was starving today...hence 3 donuts.

Still reflecting inward and trying to decipher what I am feeling and working through it. I am Finding that my emotions are transitioning smoother into each other and not because of H or anyone really. Sounds silly, but I don't know how to explain it.

Have a good night everyone!

[Limbowife]

Hello BRNR~~ Just wanted to say hi and tell you to hang in there. I am doing some reading here tonight trying to get myself in a better place and I saw your posts. I will read up on your sitch but just wanted to offer some encouragement. I hope you have a good night. Take care.

[AJM]

BRNR, can I say that you are right where you need to be right now? I know that's not a "fun" place to be, but I think you'll see later that it is right where you need to be to get ready for the next phase of your life. You didn't ask for these changes, but you're doing very well with them.

People are wired funny in some ways. You made a committment and for you that means a lot. I doubt you come by it easily, but also don't run from one easily. Your H may have been that way as well. But when somebody leaves in this manner, it leaves a vacuum. In a R there is always a give and take. A R is a balance of give and take and when one takes, the other gives (to maintain that balance in some respects.) In this case, he took a lot, and your reaction is to "balance" the R. If we didn't do these things, nobody would stay married and the human race may have died out eons ago. It always seems that the LBS has a harder time with things. That's not necessarily true, but it is our story, right?

Can I point something out to you? You were upset and felt that you were horrible for the way you defended your boundary. But you didn't ask to have to defend it. He challenged it and you did what you needed to do. You should let that feeling of being "horrid" go, because you were not. You felt like it, but that's not the same thing, see?
As I was catching up, I noticed this:

I keep asking myself what did I do to H for him to treat me so badly. He is punishing me, and it hurts

Yes, BRNR, he may be punishing "you" for his perceived wrongs. But more likely, he is projecting the punishment he feels he deserves coupled with punishment somebody else may deserve and projecting it on you. Why? Nobody knows, and likely even he doesn't know. What did you do to deserve this? NOTHING. You weren't perfect and neither was he. But you did NOT deserve, and do NOT deserve what he is doing toward you. At some point you need to accept that, as nutty as it sounds.

Somebody cheats and blames somebody else for their actions. Hmm.. That's not realistic. You didn't tell him to do that. You didn't ask him to. You didn't cause him to. The only cause of infidelity is the person's choice. Nothing else. Not you, not me, nor anyone else "caused" him to do that. And nobody caused him to treat you poorly nor to disrespect you. He chose to. You may not know why (yet) but you do know "what". And your reaction was completely appropriate for the situation and action.

When you accept that, it gets easier to see things more clearly. When you accept that you care even about him, you'll understand more than you do now. It takes time and it's a bumpy road getting there, BRNR. Allow yourself that time and be easier on yourself about it. You are progressing much better than you may see right now. But it's a necessary step to go through this and the evaluate the items as you are.

Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

AJ- thank you for the eye opener. I hear your words and see how much that you may be on track with things. Or at least figuring me out anyway.

So, I had a good weekend with my boys. I spent time with my Sister IL and her kids and fiancé. Weird, but very enlightening on a lot of things.

Her and H never had a good relationship, and she has openly said to me that she is surprised I haven't just divorced him, as she feels that is what I should be doing. She also told me that MIL has made comments to her that H seems to be more himself since this started...I was confused and asked her to clarify, and what I got from it was that this is the H my MIL knew from childhood. Not sure that, that is good. My takeaway (in my mind) was that H has been faking himself for 15 years in her eyes. Wow! I guess at least H was productive, good, caring, warm, and a nice guy for 15 years. If he was always an ass, then it seems maybe MLC hit him in the wrong direction...lol! There were other things that SIL said, primarily how certain members of the family haven't liked him all this time. I asked why and she put out some examples of things I never knew, negative things. Makes me wonder who he was showing to me and the boys all this time. There was also a "childhood" issue brought up, and it got me thinking...H has always questioned the identity of his father. Certain members of his family have too, and he has approached his mother on the subject many times. Maybe that is H's issue. We have talked about the subject many times...he and I have very similar "Daddy issues" involving abandonment, the difference with me, is there is no mistaking who my father is. He has always had his suspicions.

So without going all analytical, I could see that H has a lot of emotional abandonment and identity issues. Ones I don't think he will ever overcome or work through. Sorry to say it, but realizing this left me void of emotion...because if he is hurting through all that, I still don't understand how you would inflict pain on your children. Me, I get, them no.

So, fwiw, I felt void of anything during this visit with SIL. Maybe not void, but I left feeling no better or worse then when I got there...even though we talked about a lot...me and boys were there for quite a few hours yesterday.

So, today, felt comfortable. Me and the boys slept it in very late, went and got each of them a fish at the pet store, and played games and hung out at the house all day. It was nice being our old "boring" selves. Boys even said they wish we had more days like today...sleeping in being the primary goal here...lol!

So focusing on the positives this weekend. And I am learning more about me, H, and life in general.

I don't have any thoughts on my sitch today...I guess acting as if is starting to feel less of an act lately. Trying to process what that means, ie, did (do) I love H at all? Strange to be thinking this question right now, I always thought I had the answer. Maybe I need to reflect on that somewhat...

Good night every one!

[BRNR]

So I had to do something this morning that has me a little puzzeled. My confusion...boundary setting vs. keeping the way paved home smooth.

H didn't arrive on time this AM to pick up the boys...so I loaded them in to my car and took them to school...Five minutes later H calls son cell and asks son to give me the phone. He yells at me and said how much of a d!ck move it was and that I should have called him to see where he was. I told him that we had gone through this before and I had told him then if he was late, that I would have to do what I had to do. He kept spewing, so I finally hung up on him. I had the kids in the car and driving in the rain, and not only did I not feel wrong, I wasn't going to tolerate his inability to see that he was late, he didn't take responsibility to let me know he would be, and that yelling at me, doesn't correct any of it. Bottom line.

I guess question is...how can a LBS spouse keep the road paved smooth when our spouses keep doing this. At what point is the spew, inability to accept responsibility, and the blame game and hurt and destruction enough for us LBS to count it as a loss and move on. I am not sure that I have reached that line, but am I wasting my time on H or is this really the patience that is needed and being tested?

Guidance or a thought on this someone?

[job]

It is not YOUR responsibilty to call and see where he is at when HE is late. HE is responsible for his actions and HE knows that he has to be on time to pick the boys up to take them to school. You did the right thing in hanging up on him.

You have already advised him that if he was late, you would take them to school. You set the boundary and he definitely missed the mark. Stick to it and do not waffle. Bottom line...he needs to face the consequences of his actions.

I'm glad you hung up on him. He should have called you to tell you where he was at since HE was the one running late. Sometimes, they have to learn the hard way and I guess he's going to learn to set that clock a bit earlier and get a move on. LOL!

[BRNR]

Sometimes, they have to learn the hard way and I guess he's going to learn to set that clock a bit earlier and get a move on. LOL!

Haha. Love it. I actually have my suspicion that he drove the hour from his GF's place, only to get there late...and for nothing. Too bad is the way I feel. If his children were important to him, he would be there early, not late. SMH.

But Snodderly, my question really is of one...can I stick to my boundaries and keep the road paved smooth? I know without a doubt I did the right thing, but could it have been better.

I guess I want to make an effort to out live his MLC, and sometimes I am concerned I am contributing to it. I just don't want to ruin any chances of R, even though I am not sure if that is what I would want anymore.