wife hardends heart

[planet]

Basically, we are married since 2007 with 2 daughters. I believe have not been a great husband and father. I mean i took care of them financially but have been neglecting emotional responsibilities. I spend very little time with my wife and just shut down whenever she nags. We had a big fight few months ago and both of us were unhappy since then. She requested for a divorce recently and has engaged a lawyer. We will be signing some papers in a few days.
We are still living together, sharing the same bed but she have been treating me like a stranger and can be quite hostile sometimes. It's killing me. Everything is in a daze these few months.
I want to save my marriage. I want to change. She's not giving any chance. Help!

[KarenR]

Hi,
I am sorry you are going through a rough time, but there is hope and there are things you can do differently that she will respond to in a more hopeful manner. Please call me about talking to a Divorce Busting coach, this is the perfect time to get guidance of what you should be saying and doing. Take care, and I would look forward to talk to you.

[~ kd ~]

You have come to a great board to get support. This site is obviously operated by and based on the books "Divorce Busting" and the more recent "Divorce Remedy".

I'm guessing that availability of these books in Malaysia may be difficult at the stores, but you can order them from online shops like Amazon. It is really recommended that you get at least the DR book as soon as you can.

To help get you stabalized, read the Newcomers forum topic called "Sandi's rules" that will help you navigate this initial time. As you emotionally detach from your W's words and actions, it will allow you to be more pro-active at working on yourself and possibly saving your M.

You will read and be told about GAL and 180s. These will also be very important for you to work on.

Please keep posting and asking questions and you will be off moderation as soon as possible and the great board members here will support you to the best of your ability.

[planet]

Thanks for the words of encouragement.
I've read through most of the forums here and found out that everything i did this few weeks is exactly which i shouldn't like "being there" all the time, pleading, defending myself and so on.

I've realized now that I was very "cold" towards my wife and my children. For that matter, quite a lot of other people as well. I keep to myself, hardly initiate any conversation. I wasn't very loving and did not show much affection to my family. Wasn't great in remembering dates even my own birthday. I listened to her problems with other people but just shut down angrily when the subject was about me. Sometimes, we fight and i gave her the cold shoulder for days.

She did not feel my love even though I loved only her. She did not feel that i care. No phone calls. No asking about her day. Refuse to take days off work to accompany her if she's away on a seminar. No active participation in my kid's development. No calls to ask her whereabouts if she will be late.

I just thought everything's going to be fine. We can take care of ourselves. We don't need help. We don't need affections. BUT i'm wrong, dead wrong. Can I ever change?

[planet]

My wife's another reason for divorce is my mom and sis. She feels that they have 'wronged' her and she is unable to forgive them. In fact, she hates them. She doesn't want them to be near my 2 daughters even when we eventually divorce.
My wife was very anxious around my family back when we are dating. She always seek their approval and constantly needs my reassurance that they accepts her. Unfortunately, if i look back, my mom did not really 'welcome' her. I know my mom, she can be 'cold' on the outside but she means well.
It all started after we were married a year. Words my mom used does not bode well with my wife. It sounded 'cold' but i brushed it off because i felt it truly wasn't meant exclusively to my wife's ears. i.e, My pregnant wife insisted that i asked my mom if she would care for my eldest daughter after she was born while we worked but my mom just shot 'have you delivered yet?'. To me it was nothing but to my wife it hurts.
I never took care of her feelings nor defended her. I always thought it was nothing. She never mentioned anything to me at that time but brought it up during fights.
My mom did not prepare nourishing soup for my wife throughout her pregnancy which we asians believe it was good for both mother and child. My wife felt my mom did not care. Again, I did not do anything. I guess i should have been more thoughtful and step up to ask someone to prepare something for her.
This is just few issues my wife couldn't forgive and forget. I should have been more caring and thoughtful. I should have defended her more. She must have felt all alone.
Regrets.

[planet]

This few days have been hard. She has been avoiding me like a plague. I have tried my best to get out of her way so she can have her space. It's hard when you still share the same bed.
She may be having an emotional affair with a known younger friend. I can't be sure. Changed all the password to her email and facebook and well as her mobile. I feel uncomfortable seeing them very close and enjoying each others company. See has invited over him over our home many times and for family outings as well.
What am i to do? will be having first meeting with a lawyer tomorrow.

[mizjjd]

Planet,

welcome to the DB boards. I am very sorry to hear you are having so much trouble, but you have found a good place. This forum can help you.

I wonder about the divorce proceedings in your country. How long does the process take?

The usual advice here regarding divorce is to maintain a position of "this is not what I want and I won't help you achieve it, but I won't stand in your way." Depending on how quickly your legal process moves, you may have to resign yourself to the divorce. But that doesn't mean you have to give up on a R with your wife.

It is good that you are giving your wife as much space as possible.

Try to pay no attention to the affair aspect. This, I know personally, can be very very hard to do. But it is best for you, and your M, if you can detach from this.

Forgive my ignorance, but is counseling readily available where you are? I don't suggest marital counseling right now, but individual counseling for you could really help. A side effect could be that your wife will see you are serious about wanting to change.

Finally, I found these two quotes interesting.

I've realized now that I was very "cold" towards my wife and my children. For that matter, quite a lot of other people as well.

I know my mom, she can be 'cold' on the outside but she means well.

It looks like you have been trained from your birth family to be "cold". If you truly want to change a life-long behavior it is going to take a lot of work. This is where counseling would help. But if you can become "warmer" it will benefit you, your daughters, and whomever you end up having a relationship with.

Best of luck to you planet.

Let us know how things go with you.

[planet]

The lawyer explained that it will take roughly 6months to get a court hearing and another 3 months or so for the divorce to be final. We can live separately as of now.
I was pretty shocked to see her so collected when signing the agreements. No second guessing.

[mizjjd]

Hello planet.

A large part of her is convinced this is what she wants. She believes it will make her feel better.

How were you during the meeting? What was your composure?

Begin to examine yourself closely planet. Are you familiar with the 180 idea? What about yourself do you want to change? How are you working on becoming warmer?

And what about your daughters in all this? How are you working to be a better father to them? They will need more love and understanding during this time. Have you typically been cold to them as well?

Tell us please more about you and your plans.

[planet]

I don't think I handled it well during the meeting. Unmoved. Quiet. Expressionless. Typical, I suppose. Didn't think any of the jokes thrown about were funny not its the place for them.
Not in the mood to even smile.
I realized I have missed out on quite a few things about my kids. Didn't know which bag belongs to who, etc. Well, I have started to play with them more. Sit and talk to them about stuffs. Trying to connect.
I suppose participating in conversations is something I have to work on. My mind will wander somewhere else or I could be focussing on the tv if there are conversations which is not to my liking. I wouldn't even know if someone asked me a question. I was just not 'there'.