Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

[adinva]

Yeah, be happy with what you have at the moment because it sounds good. Not what you might have defined as good two years ago, but for the moment it is good. Enjoy it and don't push it to be more. Keep working to change what you need to change about yourself, okay?

[dorightman]

Will do Advina

[dorightman]

It's been a couple months since my last post. Here's where I'm at now.
My wife's parents bought a 3 bdr apt 5 minutes away from our house for her to rent from them. She moved out a few weeks ago. She wants a D and we have begun the process of mediation to work out the child support and alimony arrangements.
She and I want to work this out ourselves without going to court, but her parents are divorce attorneys and they have initiated a court case to keep the pressure on for us to complete this contract and to protect her incase I don't follow through. I have already begun paying her the child support and alimony.

We text/talk everyday to co-parent our two children. We also try to spend a day or evening together as a family. I have been helpful to her with her new place, fixing the dryer, setting up the cable tv etc. We haven't been fighting or even talking about the R anymore, just dealing with the stuff of D and co-parenting.

I still want her back, but I have no choice but to let this play it's coarse. She has said since the beginning of all this that the only chance we have of R is to destroy what we had before we can rebuild anything. She said that we have to start with building a new friendship first and that I need to let her come to me, not pursue her.

I have to say that building a new friendship at this point is daunting. She is covered in layers of protection and has not been able to access her true emotions for years because of her defensiveness.

I also have anger and resentment inside from all of this, yet all I want is to do the work with her to heal the past. She has not wanted to do this and has resisted any and all attempts from me.

I don't want to give up hope, but I also don't want to wait around for a person that can't or doesn't want to be with me anymore.

This has been a rough ride, going on a year and a half now. I'am mostly done with the grieving part, I'am less emotional and just trying to live my life the best I can and be there for my two beautiful kids.

I wish all of you peace and happiness and I'am thankful for the support I have received on this website!

[labug]

Wow, doright, with parents like that no wonder your wife can't access her true emotions.

Continue being who you are meant to be through this. You never know what the future holds.

Best to you and your kids... and your W. It sounds like you might actually be the one in a much better place when this is all said and done.

[dorightman]

Thanks labug, I appreciate your positive energy. As much as this hurts, I'am holding onto the thought that things will get better when the dust settles.

My kids seem to be adjusting to all the changes and seem pretty happy.
I'am seeing a new therapist now who is less spiritual and more based on dealing with reality. He's helping me deal with acceptance and making the best of the situation as it is today. He told me that if w will ever want to R, it won't be until the ink dries on the divorce papers. He said it would take 6-12 months after the D if she would come around.
W has been friendly with me when she sees me, the only conflict now is in the settlement terms for the D. I'am trying to work it out with her out of court and without a lawyer because I know that she's got the upper hand as far as legal advice!
I'm working on trying to understand why I feel so attached to a person that says they don't love me anymore.

[dorightman]

Update, a lot of time has passed..... W and kids live 5 minutes away from me in their new apt. Support and custody order was finalized 4 months ago, only thing left for us to get a divorce is the property settlement.
I live in our house and neither of us has had the time to get the house together for sale. My job will be taking me out of town for the next year, so I doubt that we will be able to get the house on the market until next spring.
W and kids have settled into their new apt and are happy there. Iam supposed to have the kids every 2nd weekend and every Tuesday night, but because I work at night sometimes on the weekend, we have to be flexible and have been for the most part, but w is angry that Iam not able to take the kids on my weekends very often.
W works a lot and many mornings calls me to come over to her house to help get the kids to school. I pick them up after school and do their homework with them at W's apt. Then she gets home from work and I leave.
Some nights We put the kids to bed together and then I leave.

I have had a hard time co-parenting together like this because when I see my W, I want to hold her and she wants me to leave.

I vacillate between trying to keep my DBing together and occasionally breaking the rules and asking her to work on the M. She is struggling with upholding her boundaries with me.

Her story of the past keeps coming up, it seems that she doesn't see my changes no matter that I tell her that I've been working on myself for the past few years and that I'm not the same man that she talks about from the past.

She may be having an emotional/physical affair with a coworker?

I know that I need to keep detaching from her, my struggle is that I still love her and want to save our marriage. She doesn't value the traditional family, and thinks that her happiness will come from a new relationship. She doesn't want to do the work. She puts up walls anytime I start R talk. When I tell her that her feelings won't change unless she does the work w me, she has to get off the phone. It's very frustrating and disheartening for me.

I know that I have to leave her alone, but I keep failing because I want to work through the problems and she doesn't.
I know that I need to have more boundaries,but I have trouble balancing boundaries with wanting to be with my kids.

This has been going on now for so long and I go back and forth feeling that it's over and I need to move on, or feeling like I want to save my M. I want love and I'm not getting it!

Emotionally Iam doing a little better. Time is doing its part, I still have a cry every few days in the morning, but then I get on with my day.

That's all for now, thanks and enjoy our beautiful spring!

[dorightman]

Even though we have a legal support and child custody agreement, some lose ends have not been dealt with. Iam still paying for W's cell phone, car insurance, and piano lessons for the kids that W agreed to pay have of, but never has.
A week ago the support taken out of my check was significantly lower then usual and we thought it was a mistake, so I wrote her a check for the difference.. Then I found out it wasn't a mistake.

Basically, W owes me a lot of money and she says she can't afford to pay me back. See just got off the phone and she's accusing me of punishing her with money, an old issue from the past, as she always said that I use money to control her and micromanage her.

When she hit me with the B, I freaked out and only left her enough money in the bank for food, but I still payed all the bills. She then withdrew all the money in her IRA account, money that I invested for her. It was ALOT of money.
Money is a huge issue between us, we come from different backgrounds and she is entitled. She doesn't believe in living within your means. Iam the opposite.

When we signed the support order, she was entitled to $20000 for arrears. She wrote it off and didn't make me pay her that out of kindness she says.

Now, anytime I try to hold her accountable for bills I pay above CS, she rubs it in my nose and says she shouldn't have been so nice.
After I asked her to pay me back for these bills and change the accounts to her name, she said she needs to sell the house to afford these bills. I told her we can't sell the house until next year when I have time and money to make it happen.

She says I'm punishing her w money like I always did. When I say that she needs to take responsibility for her actions, that I care for her and want to take care of her, but she chose this and now she needs to take responsibility , she says when I asked you to work on the marriage, you didn't and how it's too late. It's your fault!

It's all so immature.

I don't know how to get her to be responsible for our situation in anyway.

Every time there's an issue, it's like this deep hole we can't get out of.

I need advice!

[dorightman]

I want to send this email,any thoughts?

Hi, I'm at the airport getting ready to board my flight back.
I'm going to try to put my thoughts into words the best I can.

In our last conversation you said you don't trust me emotionally.
My thoughts concerning trust between us are that I understand how our trust for each other has eroded over time as we were unable or unwilling to try and repair.

I also know that to trust again would take a decision from you and that would mean that we would have to do the work together.

I have expressed to you that I want nothing but that and I cannot say it anymore.
You know that I want to heal our relationship and that I'am sorry for my contribution to us breaking. I can say to you that if you tell yourself that it's too late, then it's too late. If you tell yourself that we can work through all the issues together, then we can do it. The only thing preventing you from that is fear and I understand why you're fearful, but I promise you that with the work, the fear will subside and the love and trust will grow.

I believe anything is possible and I believe our love and our family is worth saving!
I also know that you are incredibly intelligent and that you have the ability to work out your issues with me if you decide to.

At this point, I have nothing else to say or prove to you.
I have done the best I could considering the circumstances and I do truly love you.
If you cannot release your anger, resentment and blame that you hold onto so tightly towards me, it will prevent us from ever healing.

I'am willing to do anything to work through whatever you need to work through. I have no fear as long as we do the work together and I'm confident that our relationship would improve, no matter what the outcome.