Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

[labug]

Don't do anything. If she wants to proceed, she will.

Do you sometimes think you have a difficult time calming your mind? Does it seem to move constantly from thought to thought to thought, and you have no control over it?

You seem to speak without filter and that is harmful for you, for anyone. It doesn't really matter now whether you think your W worked on the marriage before of not, that's the past, it's gone.

Do you think she's going to have a V-8 moment and suddenly see the light?

I had/have the same problem, always felt that if I could say it, whatever it was, one more time just the right way and make him hear me, then he'd get it. All it does is make them understandably, more determined to stay away.

Slow down, think before you speak, respond, don't react. If you're going to start a sentence with "You", stop and really think.

[dorightman]

Do you sometimes think you have a difficult time calming your mind? Does it seem to move constantly from thought to thought to thought, and you have no control over it?

labug, thank you for your response. I'am and have been confused for some time now. I have been trying my best to do the "right" thing for approx. 5 months now.(after my emotions calmed down), I know it's not long enough considering the damage I did over the past 10 years according to my W. I just get confused because the DB method really doesn't seem authentic to me. If I were always to take the DB route, I would be acting and not being who I'am, even the better me.

I know I need to focus on me, not W. BUT, I don't understand how she's gonna change her perception unless she tries and she's not trying...
Therefore, no matter what I do, she's gonna block it. I'm frustrated and desperate because I'm focusing on her too much!

When time goes by and I leave her alone and focus on me, eventually she lashes out at me in anger because I'm not "listening to her", or "I'm in denial" because I'm not signing the D papers she served me with last February.

The coldness, lack of empathy, judgements, anger, distancing ,depression all effect me because I have not been able to truly detach. I feel the only way to do that would be to move far away from her and I can't do that because I will not abandon my kids.

I know Bond keeps saying that because I have not addressed my W's stated feelings of not feeling safe around me, nothing will change.
My response to that is that my W does not say this or act this way anymore and I have not given her a reason to feel this way in many months now. She has even said that she see's change in me, that I have softened.

Thank you for your great advice and encouraging thoughts!

[labug]

I know I need to focus on me, not W. BUT, I don't understand how she's gonna change her perception unless she tries and she's not trying...
Therefore, no matter what I do, she's gonna block it. I'm frustrated and desperate because I'm focusing on her too much!

She doesn't have to try. Somehow you need to get to a place of accepting that you can't control others. You have a difficult time controlling you. That's where your work needs to focus.

When time goes by and I leave her alone and focus on me, eventually she lashes out at me in anger because I'm not "listening to her", or "I'm in denial" because I'm not signing the D papers she served me with last February.

I didn't realize you already had the D papers.

You don't have to sign but is that getting you closer to your goal?

Sometimes we have to love our S enough to let them go.

[dorightman]

I have to keep reminding myself that I can't control others. you're right.

She served me in Feb. because I was having a hard time controlling my emotions and she couldn't take it. She kept saying I was emotionally unstable when I was just reacting like any normal human being who is being treated un lovingly by their S. I know what she feels is what matters here, not what I feel.

You don't have to sign but is that getting you closer to your goal?
Sometimes we have to love our S enough to let them go.


I keep hoping that with time and space and my changes, she will turn around and eventually just drop the D. I have a year left before the court honors it.

I know "if we love someone, we must set them free." I struggle with this because I also know that the freedom she perceives is on the other side is a mirage. Freedom is internal. It's our own perception.
I know it's not for me to teach her that or to tell her that.

[labug]

I struggle with this because I also know that the freedom she perceives is on the other side is a mirage.

You don't know that, again this is an example of mind-reading and control.

Freedom is internal. It's our own perception.

Practice what you preach, brother, on the one person you control!

You CAN do this.

[dorightman]

Thx labug! Truth is I don't know anything! Focus on me, focus on me, focus on me.

[dorightman]

I should know better being a person who has to learn by the school of hard knocks!

[MrBond]

You're doing it AGAIN. You constantly downplay your role to your M's downfall and focus on what YOU thought was best.

"Well, when she wrote "I have spent over ten years doing the work." from her last letter. I feel like she hasn't really done any work on our relationship and our communication problems."

"I" feel? You mean hat her efforts aren't good enough for your expectations.

"She responded by telling me all the ways she acted lovingly towards me in the past. That wasn't what I meant, and it seems like she doesn't understand that WE need to do work on our R TOGETHER. Her acts of love or my acts of love in the past were not enough to stop us from getting here."

It was your expectations of her actions that you felt weren't enough for you or expressed in a way that YOU understood. You still don't try to understand how she expresses herself.

"I just get confused because the DB method really doesn't seem authentic to me. If I were always to take the DB route, I would be acting and not being who I'am, even the better me."

That is why you fail. It IS authentic and anyway I don't think you really understand what DB is. If you have a problem with it making you a better you, then you are the problem, not DB.

"I know I need to focus on me, not W. BUT, I don't understand how she's gonna change her perception unless she tries and she's not trying..."

Seriously? You're STILL thinking that? You acted like a full psycho on her. Why would she want to try? You keep insisting that she should try. Why? Right now you're not worth it to her.

"Therefore, no matter what I do, she's gonna block it. I'm frustrated and desperate because I'm focusing on her too much!"

That's for sure. You haven't focused on making you better.

"When time goes by and I leave her alone and focus on me, eventually she lashes out at me in anger because I'm not "listening to her", or "I'm in denial" because I'm not signing the D papers she served me with last February."

Don't put the blame back on her. You got yourself to this point and I pointed out time and time again that you weren't "listening to her". It's not just her.

"I feel the only way to do that would be to move far away from her and I can't do that because I will not abandon my kids."

You said it was a money issue. It's not your W's problem. That's your problem. You just moved in without telling her.

"My response to that is that my W does not say this or act this way anymore and I have not given her a reason to feel this way in many months now."

Now you're just in denial. She wrote that in the letter to you just last week. So your "response" to me is wrong.

"She kept saying I was emotionally unstable when I was just reacting like any normal human being who is being treated un lovingly by their S."

Sticking your armpit into her face isn't "normal".

"I know "if we love someone, we must set them free." I struggle with this because I also know that the freedom she perceives is on the other side is a mirage. Freedom is internal. It's our own perception.
I know it's not for me to teach her that or to tell her that."

I can't believe this is what you actually think. She's not leaving you because you are a "catch". She's leaving you because she doesn't feel safe around you. She feels like you're a ticking time bomb that's going to go off at any minute. It's not a "mirage" life she wants. She just doesn't want a life where she has to constantly walk on egg shells.

[planet]

dorightman.
I think you and I have a lot of growing up to do. While you and probably a great deal of people known to you and W may think you are the mature one but that is not entirely the truth. I think you know that and many don't.
Accept whatever grouses W lays on you because that is valid to her. The more you appropriate some of the blame back to W, the more you are going to struggle.
Just like you, I have problems accepting full responsibility over whatever W lays on me. You'll be surprised what others thought of you may resonate with W's. Ask your best friend for instance.
Just do the 180. It's for you. I'm getting closer to my kids. My kids requested that I spend some time with them with the tv switched off even its on the cartoon channel! That's a first. I least I know I did something right.

[planet]

"I just get confused because the DB method really doesn't seem authentic to me. If I were always to take the DB route, I would be acting and not being who I'am, even the better me."

You will not become the complete opposite of yourself. That'll frighten off even your mom. haha.
think of it as dorightman version 2.0. A refined person with some added features.
wise man once said: keep doing what is needed and eventually it becomes a habit. that i guess will feel natural over time.