Hello, I am new here! Here's my basic info: Married 8 yrs. Together 13 yrs. 3 children under age 6. My husband has one foot out the door, as he states "he no longer loves me, no longer cares for me as he should, the feelings just aren't there".
It started in February of this year when I asked if if he still cared for me, and he told me he is no longer in love with me and hasn't been for approx. 4 years. I was shocked and devastated. He told me he couldn't imagine staying together. We then talked ALOT about everything and decided to do counselling. We did counselling for about 3 months and our relationship started improving in a lot of ways, such as better communication, more respect, less fighting, etc. and we even had some nice dates.
At our last counselling session he told the counsellor things were going good. Then a few days later he was looking confused so I asked him about it. He said he just doesn't have those feelings for me so we should end it. The next day I asked him if he were 100% sure because I was going to start telling people. He said that no he wasn't sure and asked to have a few days to think it over. that is where we are at now. We are still living in the same house, with our 3 young kids, while he is pondering whether to stay with me or separate.
Does anyone have advice on how I should be acting around him, or what kind of things I should be doing? I am starting to feel a lot of anxiety over this, yet trying to remain strong in front of everyone. No one in my life know about this except myself and my husband. I feel telling my family would be a bad idea.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I am sorry you are going through this. Is your counselor guiding you as to what you should do, answering the questions you have? If not, please talk to a DB coach, as they will give you a very specific plan on what you should do, whom you should discuss this with etc. It is something you do for yourself, by yourself, so that you have someone in your corner. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
The good news... well, that you found yourself here and you will get great support from our members. If you have not, please get and read the MWD book "Divorce Remedy" It is the followup to the namesake this board was created around. Everything in the book at your fingertips.
The bad news... your H is confused. It's unlikely that he will make any rational decisions, even if he makes quick decisions. There is at least a possibility that any quick decision will be acted on slowly... if at all. This may take more time than you think you can handle, but most people who come here can handle a lot more than they thought they could.
Your primary tools right now will probably be GAL and detach. There are likely to be a few 180s as well that you will want to work on. Does your H have any specific complaints that might be valid?
Hello, sorry you have to find yourself here but this is a great community full of wonderful people Your H is in a lot of turmoil right now, and you're putting too much pressure on him. He has got to figure this out himself, there's nothing you can do to speed it up or help him. You've got to back off and give him time and space.
Originally Posted By: Highway61
It started in February of this year when I asked if if he still cared for me
For now don't ask him anything like this. He will not give you answers you want to hear, so just don't ask (because asking is pressure). Read Sandi's DB tips (sticky at top of forum) and LIVE those rules.
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We then talked ALOT about everything and decided to do counselling.
Traditional MC doesn't work with a WAS. If you can afford a DB coach your money is better spent there. Don't push your H to do further MC, it's more pressure and it usually hurts the sitch more than help it.
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We did counselling for about 3 months and our relationship started improving in a lot of ways, such as better communication, more respect, less fighting, etc. and we even had some nice dates.
That's your perception. He probably didn't think the same. It's not unusual for WAS's to "appear" to be trying, but they're really just doing it to prove to themselves that they're done.
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Then a few days later he was looking confused so I asked him about it.
That's another form of pressure.
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The next day I asked him if he were 100% sure because I was going to start telling people.
And so is that. You've got to stop the pressure, because you're pushing him right out the door. You need to act "as if" everything is fine. Pull back, leave him to think things through, work on yourself. There is no need at all to start telling people, don't do it because that too will harm your sitch. People mean well, but when they butt in they just drive the WAS farther away and the WAS will blame it on the LBS.
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He said that no he wasn't sure and asked to have a few days to think it over.
Do not ask him if he's made a decision, just let it go. Quit pushing him about the M. DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE until you read DR cover-to-cover. Things may seem urgent to you, but you have time, so don't rush your H. Read the book, it'll show you what to do and not do. You're at high risk of doing the wrong things right now, that's why it's important to read the book. And devour the forums postings too, you'll learn a lot from reading about what others here have gone through.
Hi, thanks everyone. I have realized that I have been pressuring him too much lately so I have given him some space. He is still living at home and we have not discussed anything in a while, and I am not bringing up the subject. I have spoken to a coach, who has suggested to keep things light and positive around the house.
I have read DR and it has helped me a lot! I cannot begin to imagine what my H is thinking right now... I am terrified of becoming a single mother right now, to 3 young children. I am terrified of losing him. Although, as the days go by his hurtful words that he has spoken lately about our relationship are echoing in my head, making me wonder if I want to really live with someone who says these things. He is really in a dark place right now, I can tell he is constantly thinking about us, and where this is headed.
He stated is worried we will continue on together only for him to come to the same conclusion that he still wants to separate. He is feeling so hopeless about us right now, and it is hard for me to be on the receiving end of that hopelessness. I am done giving up telling him to try to stay positive and hopeful, as you obviously cannot tell someone that! So right now I sit and wait.. and try not to let my emotions get to me.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I feel like telling him if he wants to be separated just to leave. I am tired of him leaving me hanging and not saying anything to me, and not being affectionate with me. I feel I am waiting around only for him to tell me anyway that he wants to separate. I am so sad that he is willing to split up our family, and so angry. I wonder why if he wants to leave he is still hanging around the house?? This is all so confusing
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I don't know if I have the strength to hold on to this marriage when I know in his heart he has given up already I am pretty sure he was looking up information about renting a townhouse or condo... it could be he is biding his time while planning an escape route.. or perhaps my suspicions are getting the best of me.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I feel like telling him if he wants to be separated just to leave. I am tired of him leaving me hanging and not saying anything to me, and not being affectionate with me. I feel I am waiting around only for him to tell me anyway that he wants to separate. I am so sad that he is willing to split up our family, and so angry. I wonder why if he wants to leave he is still hanging around the house?? This is all so confusing
Whoa Hwy61.
Breathe. Breathe again.
Are you 100% certain you want a divorce?
I'm guessing not, because you are here.
I'm guessing you just want the pain you are in to STOP.
BUT, his leaving will not stop your pain
Scariest part of your post?
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I feel I am waiting around
Have you read DR? There is no "waiting around"! You have work to do Hwy! What are your GALs? Your 180's?
The recovery of your marriage could take a couple of years - that's way to long to spend in a waiting room
And you're right, it is confusing. For you and for your H too. If he's still living with you he hasn't decided to leave you and the M yet. Why do you want to make that decision for him?
Thank you mizjjd! I am so frustrated right now. We are kind of in limbo where I don't know if he wants to stay in the house and work on things or separate. I think it is so inconsiderate of him to not let me know where we stand. I would like to know either way, whether we are gonna try again or if he is leaving. I will be so upset if he is staying here only while he bides his time to figure things out. This is really eating away at me, I am so worried about the future right now, and my family
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Your H is in a lot of turmoil right now, and you're putting too much pressure on him. He has got to figure this out himself, there's nothing you can do to speed it up or help him. You've got to back off and give him time and space.
