So anyway, here is what has been going on since the last time I posted.
I am still in MC by myself for the time being and I was wondering something. In an earlier post from one of the members said that MC does not work for the WAS. They said that it may even accelerate the her leaving.
Is this true?
I have a MC appointment next week and she said that she will go too. My question is, if it is true that it will have a negative impact on my DBing and accelerate her wanting to leave...
Should I cancel the MC appointment?
My MC has expressed interest in her coming to MC. He understands and is an advocate of DBing and has the book on his shelf. I am confused. My MC is through our church and they are strong advocates of keeping marriages together.
Could some of the other veterans give me their opinion on this subject?
Also, I have set a boundary with her that may be too general. Basically I told her that I refuse to agree to do anything that will serve to push us further apart. The only thing that has transpired from that is this. About three weeks ago she asked if I would sleep on the couch. I told her no thank you. I told her that if she didnt feel comfortable sleeping in our bed that she could sleep on the couch. I told her that I was sorry that she felt this way.
Am I supposed to have any boundaries as the LBS? If so, what are some boundaries that are appropriate?
Other than that, everything is still status quo. I am the source of the problem. Everything is my fault. And anything I do is the wrong thing it seems. I understand that this is straight out of the WAS script.
Well understand that she is looking for SPACE. And when you didnt give it to her and do as she wished she, monstered on you.
Good job not moving out of the bedroom.
She may move out at some point and you will not be able to stop it.
As far as the MC goes, I guess my opinion is it depends what it costs. If it is the same price as a DB coach maybe you would be better doing that instead.
She is not going to MC, so it is for YOU right now.
Do you have EXPECTATIONS from counseling?
You can only CONTROL your 50% of the marriage, if she doesn't want to be in it then no amount of counseling is going to force her.
DB'ing is counter intuitive. You must LET GO and any amount of pursuit will drive her away.
Sometimes just our voice, is considered pursuit.
You are still very early on in this and my basic advice is to lower your EXPECTATIONS to zero.
Let me make sure I understand you. She said she IS going to MC next week with me. But you said that she is not. I dont understand why you said this. Did you misread the post and if not, why do you say she is not.
--What do I want?--
Im a stander so I would like the R to progress in a positive way obviously.
Expectations (for me) from MC is to learn to cope with situation and work on myself. To recognize what I did to contribute to this crisis so that I dont repeat them again. I would like her to be able to open up and work through her feelings about our R. Also, I would like her to be able to open up to the counselor so that we may begin to work on resolving our issues.
My expectations as far as S is concerned right now? She is done with me. She is unhappy with me and she is uncomfortable (her words) around me. I dont have a lot of hope that she will come out of the fog anytime soon. That lack of hope allows me to better detach. I am not fully detached yet but I get closer everyday. I have more "good emotional days" than "bad days" too.
It does scare me a bit that I am getting more comfortable with my situation. Maybe I just accept the fact that I am only in control of myself and my 50% on the M and R. I have accepted the fact that I can only do so much DBing. The rest is her decision. I am comforted in the fact that I now know what to do regarding DBing and I dont expect anything from her.
I can DB and GAL but thats about it. I dont have the best handle on all the DBing but I know that is all I can do for now.
I am getting better everyday with GAL. I am becoming much more social while I am at work and while I am out and about. I am having lots of fun with my kids now too. I do so much more with them than I have ever done. They are my inspiration.
I am not a vet but have been reading about your sitch so i thought i could at least offer some advice based on my experiences with both my W and I going to MC.
In my opinion and i firmly believe this is what happens:
MC was probably the single biggest reason why my wife filed for divorce.
We only made it to 3 sessions, but she already had her foot out the door before the first one. She basically admitted it to me after.
The counselor spent the sessions trying to dig up our past rather than offering soulutions for the future.
My wife was seeing an IC previously and i suggested we both see a MC. I soon learned after that she had already talked to her friends and sister about possibly filing for D.
I am convinced that she agreed to go to MC so that she could tell all her friends and family that we tried everything to save our M, when in fact she had already made up her mind.
I am not here to tell you MC doesnt work, but if only one person is willing to do the work, it will NOT help at all.
I would tell anyone considering MC to give it some serious thought before both of you go, because if your W says she is not happy, MC will NOT help.
Just my opinion, hope it helps.
Me: 41 W: 36 M:9 yrs Together: 12 yrs Kids S7 S4 BD: 01/13 W filed 5/13 D final 8/13
I am still in MC by myself for the time being and I was wondering something. In an earlier post from one of the members said that MC does not work for the WAS. They said that it may even accelerate the her leaving.
Is this true?
I have a MC appointment next week and she said that she will go too.
Yes I mis read your post.
Re-read what shouldistill hope posted.
My guess(and I am mind reading) that your wife will use the counseling session to PROVE why you are getting divorced.
So if you can go with little expectations and understand that it is unlikely that these sessions will lead to reconcilliation, then by all means go.
That is why I asked what you were thinking.
I dont agree that it is the reason for them filing for divorce, however it is what they use to validate their foggy thinking.
It is so hard to wrap your head around ilogical thinking, other than sometimes just knowing that OPPOSITE is the watchword.
I think that if you don't go, then they will blame you for it, and if you do go, they will blame you.
Get my drift - you can't win. So best to play for what ever is best for YOU!
Thanks you for your reply. I am sitting here laughing because of what you posted. You hit the nail on the head, I CANT WIN! The longer this goes on the more I see how true your statement is.
I have had talks with my wife where what I did or said was wrong and then corrected myself to the opposite side of the argument. I thought that would help me relate that I understand her better. Well, the opposite side of the argument was also wrong according to her. LOL
This game [censored]! LOL
Anyone else have a similar experience with WAS and MC or perhaps an experience that was just the opposite?
I pray for all of us on this roller coaster ride. God Bless all of us and spouses and children.
I will keep you all posted and I will keep learning.
I agree, don't go to MC unless you both are going for positive reasons. I took/dragged my W to 1 session. All the session was is about how I did wrong, what the W must do for any form of reconciliation and showed how hard it all is. You can imagine the W literally bolting from the session once it finished. I continued to go to MC by myself, as it was a great form of comfort,grief and understanding. Spend your money on the DB coach, rather than the MC. I truly believe it will be in your favour.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Heres my update. My wife did go to MC (by herself) and opened to the C a little. She does not show any signs of wanting to work on our M and told the C that she is not likely to come back to MC. I feel now that it is better that she not go until if/when she wants to work on M. No surprise there. She is so done with me right now.
She also seems to be withdrawing more too. Not sure what to do about that. The 180's I have done seem to annoy her more than anything. I feel they annoy her because I am not giving her any reasons that she could use as an excuse to leave, not that she needs one. She doesnt seem to like that I am in a good mood when I am around her either. Especially when she is not in a good mood around me.
She still avoids conversations and interactions with me. I just give her the space she wants. I feel she is not getting the space she desires due to us living together (we are basically roommates with kids). Our interactions with the children force us to interact and I feel that is wearing on her too. I am out of town for work on average 4 days a week but, because I call the kids every morning and evening to say hello, maybe thats not enough space? I dont know if it is or not.
I have MC on Wednesday and I have no reason to believe that she will attend with me. I only tell her I have an appointment so if she chooses to go, she can. At this point, I am going to MC for myself and I have to say that I am adjusting to our situation better everyday. I still have a bad day once in awhile. For the most part, I am feeling emotionally better than I have in a very long time. Still detaching more and more. I dont no how to gauge the detaching but I would say that I am 85% or more detached, lovingly of course. smile
I am GAL and socializing much more these days. Mostly at work. Moving forward with improving myself and my relationship with my kids.
Other than that, still in limbo. Just waiting on her to make a move one way or another.
You are all in my prayers and I wish you success with your situations.
Vets, please critique my update and let me know where I have made any backslides please.
BKS, I think you hit the nail on the head when you say they are withdrawing more. I think at times the WAS hates knowing that we have made changes, for the positive. I think their expectation of, in my case, trying to help me before the BD (antidepressants, psychologist, offereing the unit for me to move back to the city and live in) is then ruined, so the only way for them is to keep back pedalling. I think it is very fair to say that the WAS hasn't done the necessary changes to improve themselves, thinking and believing that we were the problem in their life. Yes we were part of the problem, but 50/50. With regards to what you are doing. Keep doing it. Visit the MC for you, GAL, 180's and improve yourself. Detaching like everything else gets easier and easier. Remember it's a marathon not a sprint. Boy I really love that line.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
W has opened up and we are talking more this week? My wife brought up the R talk by stating that we are not on the same page with regards to our M. She didnt come out and say that she wanted a D but she didnt say that she wanted to work on the M either.
I try to look at this as a positive (ok, maybe just neutral )but my wife is just trying to be more civil towards me (her words). Its better than the cold shoulder treatment that has going on for so long. She says that I am taking it the wrong way, meaning, that I am looking at it as we are moving in a positive direction. She says she doesnt feel the same way. I believe her. I told her that I understand that she is not happy with us and that I understand that our M may not work out.
We then had a fairly productive talk about where we are with our R. Not very positive mind you, but it was the most we have talked about our M. She stated that we havent been doing things as a family for a while and the she thought that we understood that is the way things are now. I told her that we dont do things as a family because that is her choice, not mine. I stated that I would like to start doing things together as a family so that we may start to close the divide between us. She agreed with me that there is a divide and that it is not closing.
I told her that I wanted her to understand that my goal was to keep our family together. I said that I understand that she does not want that right now and asked her to acknowledge that that statement. She back peddled so that she would not have to admit that she is making the choice to break our family apart.
Journaling Section: 6-21-13
Wife states:
-She is not interested in dating anyone right now. -Regarding dating- we must inform the other prior to dating anyone. -She does not feel the same way as I do about reconciliation. -She does not know if she will ever feel for me again. -She said that I may have to eventually accept that she does not feel the same way about our M as I do right now "IF" she continues to feel the way she does. I told her that I dont have to accept it and that I wont give up on her and our family. That is my choice. -She said that she is happy just being by herself and with the kids right now. -She said that she would like us to get along even if it doesnt work out.
This recent talk does not give me much hope that she will change her feelings anytime soon, if ever. I know, I know. Its a marathon, not a sprint.
I think it is progress (not really positive progress I suppose) that she has opened up to me more in the last week. It has been 3 months since she has been willing to talk to me about much of anything. The progress seems negative but she is at least talking about our R and venting what her feelings are.
MrBond and other Vets, please let me know where I am backsliding so that I may try to improve on that. After proof-reading my post I can see many backslides. All critiques of my situation are welcome from anyone. T
