Just a little journaling...I caved a little on my decision not to leave the house at all. I did a lot of thinking about the kids, and trying to keep their lives as stable as possible is most important to me. Having them stay in a cramped apartment on a regular basis with my W and her friend didn't sound like the best idea. We talked about it, calmly. I told her I would explore ways to be out of the house on certain days so she can be there with the kids. The talk seemed to go well.
I had a great father's day yesterday! W had to work , so the kids and I spent a fun day together. They made me gifts that said/wrote some amazing things. I kept it together but I did have to excuse myself to the bathroom where I broke down a little. I thought it would be a rough day, but after the W left for work, the kids and I went out and about. Just kept busy and had fun. I am a lucky father.
At one point while we were out, I found myself wondering if I am better off without her. Maybe not "better off", but that I'll be just fine. Its the first time that those feelings just came over me, and weren't forced.
W arrived home after work with my favorite item from our favorite restaurant. She also had two small gifts for me. One was a favorite "cheat item" (we live a fairly healthy lifestyle), and the other was something she knew I needed but hadn't ask for. She used to buy me gifts like this a lot, but not much at all in the past couple years. I didn't read into it as much as I would have in recent months.
We talked briefly again about what will happen in regards to our separation. I did ask if she had any interest in separating, without filing, just to see where it goes. Probably not a good question to ask. She responded to it fine. Said she would think about it, but don't expect her to change her mind. I don't, but I felt it was something I needed to put out there. It also gave me a chance to handle her answer in calm way. In the past, hearing an answer I didn't like would cause me to be quiet. After her answer, we went back to talking positively about how to handle the kids. Then she made a comment about how she knows a D will make things extremely difficult on everyone, but if we end up back together, it will all be worth it. I guess I was kind of surprised that is even a thought in her head right now.
Overall I thought it was productive talk. We were able to talk about the hard things in a more calm manner. Less quietness and/or tears by either one of us. If tears happen, it is usually by her. She can't be married to me "right now". She doesn't know where that will go. She feels the M is wearing her out. Maybe in time she will she its not the M itself. Who knows. I do know that I am doing better overall week to week. There are some bad days/times, but overall, my PMA is getting better, while the W's appears to be getting worse.
I start my new job with a great company on the 24th! Very excited about this. The kids are excited for me as well. That kind of makes the eyes water a little.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
Okay, so need some advice again. I appreciate all the support/advice I've been given so far. I'm hoping another vet or two will follow my sitch with some much needed advice.
How do I balance being there for my W now that she seems set on filing(her main issue is that I didn't support her emotions and needs), while letting her figure it out on her own. I admit that when I pull away, I get sucked back in to some degree. A little less each time. It seems space, along with being there for her at times makes the most progress (Shocker, I know. Its not like anyone gives that advice around here ).
Do I continue on that path, or should I be letting her handle more/all things on her own? She gets really let down when I tell her she needs to handle something hard. Then I get torn between it being an opportunity to show I can be there (which I want to be so instinct tells me to do so), or letting her struggle on her own journey.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
Detaching has certainly been tough for me. It the all too familiar fear for LBSs. Letting go and then thinking you have open the door to be replaced. Even though my W can, and maybe has, opened that door herself. I wish I knew the right things to be there on, and ones to let her figure out on her own.
This particular piece has been on my mind a lot the last couple days. She has "needed" my help on a few things. Getting the vehicle she drives (its in my name and was the "family vehicle) fixed since it got hit/damaged. Finishing her company website that I had started. Things like those are tough for me. I want to help and it feels good to help, but I don't know if its hurting or helping my DB efforts.
Vets? Any advice?
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
You are being strung along. Your wife is in love with another man and, irrational or not, she is doing what her heart is telling her to do: leave you for a chance with him. She even gives you false hope, suggesting that if you have a smooth divorce (and make life easy on her) then MAYBE you'll get back together. Really?! Who is this other man? What have you found out about him? He's clearly fighting for her- and winning (at least for now). You have one major advantage over this guy- you are the father of your wife's children. Deep down, she knows this. You may still have a chance to pull this M out of a nose dive, but what you are doing now is only delaying the inevitable.
Are you ready to fight for your wife and marriage?
Are you ready to fight for your wife and marriage?
Absolutely, but I struggle with knowing what my plan of action should be. I also think I'm not identifying whats working. What I think constitutes as "working" is when we are getting along well, but to my knowledge, she still seems set on divorce. I'm told she will speak in absolute negatives, so what do I believe? I'm trying to be patient, so if we are getting along well, do I stay the course and continue to be patient? Or do I switch gears?
I'm working on being me. Yes, I still catch myself wondering what she will think of something. I'm getting better. The real me wants to help her with difficult things, so its hard not to. The more I read on this forum, the more I wonder if I shouldn't be there for her.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
When you are getting along, it's because this is the easy way for her to get through the day. You ask less questions, there's no need to get into discussions- its just polite pleasantness- like interacting with a work colleague or roommate that you don't like, but you keep the peace. There is no emotional investment. When she's actually trying to argue with you about her issues with you, that's when things are looking up! It means that she sees a glimmer of hope that you might change. If this happens, DON'T ARGUE! Just validate her feelings and empathize with her (well of COURSE you felt that way when I did that [insert random infraction here] sweetheart- that must have been awful!). This is when you make progress. What you currently think are the good times (pleasant distance) are the exact opposite. She is pulling away. Right now she sees another man as the one that can make her happy- not you. You will make no progress- NONE- as long as that guy is in the picture in any way. You have to get him out of your lives so that you and your wife can fall in love with each other again. The longer you wait- you are sealing your fate. Affairs thrive on secrecy- read any article or book you want- they will say this. You have to bring it out into the open and level the playing field. Once this guy's wife knows what you know, you will have a fighting chance. In the meantime, be the best husband you can be. Do everything you can to be the right choice for her. Don't play games with taking off your wedding ring etc.. She needs to know that you aren't a man that runs from his problems. You are a man that takes action for his family. Put the other man's wife and family on notice about what's going on, and what it's doing to your family. GIVE NO WARNING! Your wife wants this to continue- your actions will force her hand and she will get mad and threaten you not to do it. That's why you don't warn her first. Just respond by being a rock solid and loving husband, one who is saving his family.
This is my opinion. There are others on here that may disagree. I'd ask how their marriage turned out. I have my wife back, and she's "in love" with me! In fact, she tells me shes never been happier. She didnt beleive she'd ever love me again- I knew we could get it back. I floundered with this for two years before following this advice. Don't put yourself through what I allowed myself to be put through. Take positive action.
I get the angle you want me to take, HS. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I did confront her about her EA about 6 weeks ago. She was sad, worried, apologetic. She said she would stop contact. Then she did a 180 the next day. A few days later she said she wanted to D. Things progressed quickly in the wrong direction.
Then I read DR. It said if something doesn't work, do the opposite. So I started working on myself and pretended the OW didn't exist. I don't know if this is right or not, but the other option seemed to sending me on a fast track to D. I may still be on that track or prolonging the inevitable. I wish I knew what the right move is here, but I don't.
You mentioned her pointing out my faults as a sign she is still looking for something. She did this twice in the last week. Both times she did it in a calm, sort of sad, manner.I listened and validatded. Not sure if its progress or not. I just try to keep focusing on me. It lessens the rollercoaster.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
Yes, if something is not working , try something else- not necessarily the opposite. The most important part, however, is recognizing when things are working and when things are not. This is the most difficult part by far. I hope my previous post helps guide you with this.
BTW, my wife did the same every time I found out of contact with the OP again- initially apologize and cry, followed by deeper pull back and further denial. It gets old.
I am starting to learn the less I am around my W, the better I feel. It used to be the opposite. The more I was around her and we were getting along, I think things would feel somewhat normal and I would forget what's really coming. Then when I wasn't around her, it would all sink back in and bring me down.
Now I think about my sitch less when she isn't around, and when it does enter my mind, its less severe and easier to get past. There are some really hard things left to come. Telling the kids, W filing for D, the S, not seeing the kids everyday, the D process and finalization, moving into our own places, etc. Its not all as scary as it used to be. That might change when its happening, but I feel like I'm in a better place to handle it.
It wasn't that long ago that I would have taken W back with open arms. I am nowhere near that right now. I would be open to discussing R. I really value family and I would like nothing more for my family to stay together AND be happy. I know that is a long ways away if it will happen. It seems I am starting to find my stride a little in this marathon. I'm sure I will hit a wall or two. I'm trying to expect it to happen so it doesn't take too much out of me.
I'm really trying to let some advice from other sitch's sink in. Reading posts by Sandi2, AnotherStander, MrBond, etc has given me a lot to think about. If any of you read this and want to chime it, I would really appreciate it!
W has mentioned numerous times that she wants to remain good friends. I think I have been there too much for her. She doesn't want to have a life without me, but she doesn't want the M. I don't agree with that. She is the mother of my kids, so I can be friendly, but I don't want to be her friend. I think I've led her to believe we could be friends because I thought it keeps the door open. I was afraid to cause trouble. I need to find some middle ground. Not cold or angry, but she also needs to realize I can't be there for her all the time. Its hard to do that now, but I have to imagine it will only get easier.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
Another big reason I have been there for her lately is to show that I can be. She felt the last few years I haven't been there for her as much as I should have. I'm trying to figure out if its better to show her I can be there, or let her see what its like without me. I'm guessing the latter, but its been a tough decision for me. Is there some sort of middle ground? Should I be there for some things, but not all? Only the things she asks and I'm comfortable doing? Or is it better to just let her handle things on her own even if she asks?
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
