In a sick turn of events the OM wife somehow found out. I've haven't seen or talked to he since this all went down. She texted me last night saying she found a pic from last year that my wife sent OM of her cleavage.
I confronted wife because she told me at the time she didn't send any pics. She confirmed she sent it last last when she was "caught up in all of that". I was obviously pissed and re-affirming to her everything I've done in the last year to help save this family and now I have to find out some thing else? She swore up and down that nothing physically sexual happened. I kept my frame the whole time.
I said what about this past year? Everything thats happened? You made it seem at times that everything was going to be okay? She just said she was trying. I said "if you're being truthful and there's no other man, what do you think you're going to do? Move in with your sister? Then what? What men do you think are out there?"
She then proceeded to say that despite everything I've done she's still not attracted to me. She said it hadn't been good since our son was born 5 years ago. What the he11? I was there, it wasn't bad. She was rationalizing out of her azz about everything I said.
She said she couldn't see us married in 3 years from now. I said we've only been trying this for 6 months to a year. She feels she's in a lose lose situation. If she stays shes doing me a miss service because she's still not into me, but if she goes she's giving up on our family and kids.
The just of the conversation was that it isn't going to work. I'm devastated. Told her I'm goin out and went and had a pint with my friend that has helped me through this situation. When I got home she was sleeping in son's bed.
When we spoke this morning I said (stern but calm voice) "the mother of my children and my wife, doesn't send pics of her cleavage to a man", "I'm tired of all this. Your probably going to be relieved because you've made your "BS attraction problems" very clear, but you need to go. Then I walked away.
I went upstairs a few minutes later and she was laying with the kids in bed crying. When I left the room she followed and asked if she could talk to me. She starting crying and saying how sorry she was for everything and thanked me for everything I've done in the last year, told me she loved me, didn't want it to turn out like this etc etc. I just listened, didn't say a word. I got the kids ready and left.
I'm just shattered thinking about not having my wife and more importantly splitting up my kids. My poor kids are going to be so distraught it makes me cry to think about it. Then on top of that I'm going to have to sell my house and move my kids to a strange place. Our street is their whole life. Then they'll have to go to mommy's new house. And deal with seeing us individually every other week? I've heard "kids are resilient" "they bounce back"-F THAT. This is going to affect them for the rest of their lives.
Wife's sister, who's 30, just split up with her husband 2 weeks ago for the exact same reasons as ours. Hell of a guy too. So I'm assuming my wife will stay there. Enabling environment much? My wife is going to have no income (she currently works for me and my family), no car (company car) and staying with her sister that's an hour away. She would rather do that then stay and work our marriage?
Anyway, sorry for the rant I'm pretty emotional. All signs are pointing to it being over and I'm having a really hard time with it. No idea what to do. I'm going to try go dark with her for a while.
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
You do understand that she still hadn't dealt with any of her issues. All she did was sweep things under the rug which is why she's in the same situation. She was waiting for "feelings" when in actuality they don't come back until she actually puts in some effort.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Try to brace yourself, you just went over the top of a very high part of the roller coaster and are on the way down, hang on tight, as you will level out again.
Keep posting.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
You do understand that she still hadn't dealt with any of her issues. All she did was sweep things under the rug which is why she's in the same situation. She was waiting for "feelings" when in actuality they don't come back until she actually puts in some effort.
That's exactly what she did, and she admitted it.
I'm not sure what to do now though.
We haven't exactly said "okay this is over", but the general tone of the conversation would leave me to believe that it is.
We're right back to square one. She wants to be attracted to me and wants the marriage to work, but she doesn't think it will.
The confusing part is other than the sex the relationship has been great this past year. We still had sex. In fact she initiated most of the time. But it was obvious at times lately she wasn't into it. There was still lots of affection coming from her. We'd cuddle on the couch every night, rub each others feet, lots of hugs and kissing, we'd fall asleep holding hands. She'd tell me she loves me often. This what right up until a couple days ago.
We've laughed and had a great time daily. If you walked into our house at any given time you wouldn't think we've had any problems.
When I ask her about all this stuff she just rationalizes every thing by saying "she was trying".
I think about her "awakening" in October.(You can see in my previous thread that she admitted to speaking to OM in October-I took a firm stance and told her I needed to take a step back from this marriage. She had a melt down and said she had an "awakening". She sent me a letter that I posted here saying how sorry she was and that she was in this marriage 100% etc).
There were times lately that I thought we were back on track and everything was going to be fine. Ugh.
I have no idea what to do now.
Do I just ask her if she wants to end it? Do I ask her to keep working on it even she thinks she can't get the loving feeling back?
As of now I've told her to sleep at her our best friends across the street. I've told her to work from home instead of coming to work (we currently still work together).
I've gone as dim as possible since this convo a couple days ago. It seems to be bothering her.
She asked to talk to me last night. She wanted to communicate schedule for the kids, see how I was, ask why I've it seems like I don't want to talk to her. She was crying the whole time. I tried to be short and to the point without being rude.
Getting up this morning alone was hard. The the kids asking me where mommy was and why she wasn't home. They kept asking if we could go camping this weekend. My D7 handed me a drawing she did yesterday at school, it was supposed to be self drawing and on the front of her shirt it said "I love my family".
I'm having a hard time holding it together minute by minute.
I'm really not sure what to do right now and could really use some insight.
Do I push for another separation? Our first one was only a few weeks but we saw each other and talked most of the time.
If she says she's done, do I push that fact that she hasn't really worked on this or do I just let her go?
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
Thanks Bond for staying with my thread, sincerely.
"If she were still serious about reconciling, have you brought up counseling to her? Retrouvaille would be a good start and DB counseling."
We did MC for a few months leading up to W "awakening" in October. Once this was described to MC she figured we'd come far enough and didn't need her anymore. W agreed.
I have no idea at this point if she wants to continue to try, although the convo the other night gave me the impression she didn't. This is why I've asked her to stay at friends and I'm staying dim. I'm hoping to give her some time with her thoughts to hopefully conclude she'll continue to try.
If she does want to still try I am going to firmly suggest we go back to MC as well as a Sex Therapist.
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
I'm going to have to talk to in the next few days.
I still want to fight for my marriage, but she might say she done and I'm scared as hell for that.
One of my thoughts yesterday was to tell her I'm letting her go. Then hoping she re-acts like she did in October and have another awakening. My fear is that I push her away forever.
I would like to be the one takes the power to make the decisions at this point but how do I word this conversation with her when still want her to stay?
Not sure any of this makes sense.
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
I still want to fight for my marriage, but she might say she done and I'm scared as hell for that.
Then don't pressure her with that talk right now. SHE will come to YOU when she's ready to have that discussion.
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One of my thoughts yesterday was to tell her I'm letting her go. Then hoping she re-acts like she did in October and have another awakening. My fear is that I push her away forever.
You absolutely CANNOT tell her you're letting her go when you have expectations like that (hoping for some kind of reaction). Because if you have expectations, then you are NOT letting go. And when you say you're letting go and you don't, then it sends the wrong message. It comes across as some kind of desperate tactic to change the sitch. When you truly let go, you do it for YOU. You do it because you realize you can't control your W, you can't have any expectations that she'll ever come back and you are prepared to live your life without her. Forever. THAT is letting go, and it sounds to me like you're not there yet.
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I would like to be the one takes the power to make the decisions at this point but how do I word this conversation with her when still want her to stay?
If you were controlling and manipulative in your M and that is part of what drove your W away, then when you're on the verge of piecing the LAST thing you want to engage in is "more of the same" behavior. I went back and read some of your early posts and it does sound to me like this may have been an issue for you (especially all the snooping and confronting, that smacks of control). When you say you want to "take" the "power to make the decisions", that sounds like control to me. If changes/ 180's are rekindling your W's interest, then don't revert to old habits now. Keep showing her the changed you. Show her loving patience. Show her you want to work through this as a team, not as someone who wants to tell her what to do and try to control things.
