Now 2+ yrs time to get off this limbo

[newman7977]

Newman how's it going?

Hey Leo,

Still here and reading along...been busy at work thank God--but I'm beat! Things have slowed down at work.

The sitch is the same. I asked my W if she will commit to M and that I'm ready to work with her, but we both have to commit. Same script don't know how, feeli gs gone...I said we need tools go to counseling or retroV.

She said D is the answer, I told her I don't agree but do what she has to do, if this is her decision I can't do anything about that.

What a trip, so she's on her way to filing but yet she continue to want to do stuff with her family and put on a face that were still a family. Yesterday her aunt is here visiting she invited me and I said I have plans with the kids I went on with my plans. When we finished, I asked her if too late to go to her family she said come. I felt bad because I know her aunt want to see the kids so I went.

I'm so done putting this fake family for her family. I asked her when are you gonna tell them you're filing for D? She said when the time is right. I just look at her in disbelief, thinking to myself do you really expect me to put on this fake life then when were home you go get your fix with OM?

Next weekend, full of family gathering including her uncle staying in our house. She said "WE" are going Saturday and Sunday. I'm really feel like bolting out...she can take the kids that's fine with me. But regarding us I think it's time for her to face the reality of her decision.

I'm done with this charade. I don't want to fake it anymore. I will find a GAL next weekend. Her uncle is nice and was hospitable to us in the past so I won't say he needs to stay somewhere else so I might spend the weekend with my mom's place will see.

Newman

[leopoldstotch]

Yes newman putting on that act is very hard and drains you. I know I have been there. It gets better newman it really does. Your W sounds a lot like mine with her ability to live this kind of life. I have no doubt that if I wouldn't have made the decision to move on with my life that we would still be living in limbo too.

GAL is extremely important it helped me keep my sanity. Thank God for good friends and family. Stay strong newman.

[newman7977]

Thanks Leo, I really like the sound of that--"it will get better"...that's all I hope for these days you know.

So not sure what she said to the in-laws last week...but I didn't play her game of faking the "happy family" picture. I stayed home and enjoyed my solo time. So that was last couple of weekends ago.

This weekend I made plans with the kids. The plan was to go to my sister's house which is 2 hours away. So we went and the W went with us. Well the kids decided to stay til tomorrow so I had to drive 2 hours with the W.

We stopped by a casino on the way home. It was awkward but I held myself and tried detaching and try not to be rude to her. We gambled a little and we had an on time. On the drive home, We talked and we shared about past family sitch, her family my family..she initiated the talk in the car and I shared I listened and acted as if.

So now I'm here solo with her in our house and no kids...so awkward. I did made a joke with her to break the ice saying "oh no kids and we have the house to ourselves, what you wanna do?" And she said don't get any ideas...I get it...oh well.

Soooo we will see what the night brings lol ...I have it together drop the rope and no expectations right?

Newman

[MileHigh]

Have to be careful with joking. Five years ago, when W and I were going thru 1st separation, even after we started doing stuff together, I made a similar joke after we'd gone to a movie together. She said "you're not giving me space when you say things like that."

[newman7977]

Yes I only pull that off because the scene in the car was pretty tense. Her response was really not that serious and it's almost like a flirty response. But I did check out my expectations before getting in the car and just about anytime I interact with her. But that is a good point DMR thanks.

Newman

[AnotherNeedsHelp]

I'm sorry that your W is being so difficult. I'm in the very early stages of separation and right now, we're putting on an act for the children but she hasn't even told her mother.

I don't see anything wrong with going out with your W. Even if it doesn't end up the way you want it to, it has to be good to be friends with them. My W and I went to a friends mutual wedding reception and actually had fun. I left her several times to go and talk to people and made her come looking for me. Which she did on several occasions. Not once was she mad or upset that I'd left her but actually seemed quite pleased that I was talking to other people, thereby trying to GAL and giving her space.

[AnotherStander]

The sitch is the same. I asked my W if she will commit to M and that I'm ready to work with her, but we both have to commit. Same script don't know how, feeli gs gone...I said we need tools go to counseling or retroV.

Just curious why you've backed away from DB'ing and started applying pressure? Are you done? Because when you apply pressure like this, you're forcing her to make a decision before she's ready, and that decision will ALWAYS be anti-marriage when you push for it.

She said D is the answer

You pressured her into saying that.

I told her I don't agree but do what she has to do, if this is her decision I can't do anything about that.

This whole convo sounds very passive/ aggressive and controlling on your part. Before you jump in to talk about how it was said in a joking manner, just stop, don't respond. Just let your mind wander over that, and reflect back on what was said. Read Sandi's tips again, and let it all simmer. Think about why you said those things, what your overall goal is, and whether that moved you closer to or farther from your goal.

What a trip, so she's on her way to filing but yet she continue to want to do stuff with her family and put on a face that were still a family.

So if you apply Sandi's tip, and you don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does, then what are her ACTIONS telling you?

I asked her when are you gonna tell them you're filing for D?

Again with the pressure?

But regarding us I think it's time for her to face the reality of her decision.

That's fine, but if that's your new boundary then you need to sit down with her, explain it to her and tell her why it's a boundary. Don't just start behaving differently like disappearing when she expects you to be there. If you feel like you're participating in a charade to her family and you don't want to anymore, then just tell her that. "I feel like you're using me in a dishonest way to make your family believe our M is OK, but clearly it's not, and while it's not my responsibility to explain this to them, I refuse to be a part of deliberately misleading them." Something like that. Just understand that what is like to happen as a result of this is your W will no longer want to involve you in family stuff. If you're OK with that then go for it.

[AnotherStander]

But regarding us I think it's time for her to face the reality of her decision.

That's fine, but if that's your new boundary then you need to sit down with her, explain it to her and tell her why it's a boundary.

I wanted to clarify this a little more- often the LBS thinks they can do something to "punish" the WAS. Like if the WAS is still inviting the LBS along on family outings, then the LBS thinks maybe they should quit going so that the WAS has to "face reality". But it never fails, it's usually the LBS that ends up feeling like they're being punished. Because when the LBS pushes the WAS, the WAS ALWAYS chooses the path that leads away from the M. As a result, the WAS feels more freedom and the LBS feels like they're losing what little grip on the M they have left.

So DO NOT make a decision based on "punishing" the WAS, because it'll almost always backfire. Make the decision based on what is right for YOU.

[newman7977]

AS,

Yes I'm done. Maybe I'm not DBing anymore or maybe I am. All I know is that I don't want this anymore for ME. But before I do get a D, I'm getting more info on child custody and learning as much as I can. I need to learn to see what is the best for my kids.

I'm ready to pull the trigger on D but I would prefer if she would do it. I'm ready to remove myself from this unhealthy sitch. The more the days passes me by, the more I realize my values. I feel like I'm enabling her EA and that is not acceptable to me. I believe I've done everything I could to save this.

I'm really looking forward to have my kids with me in my own place in the future. One positive to note that this sitch has brought is that, I have a closer relationship with my kids. I also learned a lot about myself and the mistakes I made in my M.

Newman

[littleGTO]

Hi,newman,

Wow, we ARE in similar places!

I also have felt like I'm ready to get on w my life and can't continue accepting EA as "okay" while H goes about his life thinking things through.

I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers. The road ahead will be very bumpy but it will smooth out later on...so I've been told!

R u near Boston? A group of us are getting together there on Friday!