Riding the storm out, or at least trying to!

[Takevowsserious]

We meet again, DBers!

I can say my weekend had some good, some bad, and some ????

Basically, a typical weekend!

Since I like to end things on a positive note, let's start with the bad...

H came home from "golfing" on Saturday around 1:30 am. Never came upstairs to change or check on boys. This usually implies a date night. I didn't ask him anything about it the next day, and he didn't volunteer any info.

Tonight he tells me that he booked his beach trip. I knew he would. It really didn't matter how I acted, he was going, I knew it in my heart. So while it is disappointing, it is not surprising. I am looking at it now as something that needs to happen for both of us. He needs to experience the reality of it, and I think I need this event to help move me forward.

This news would explain the ??? of my weekend. H was a little off today, said all day his stomach was bothering him and his neck was bothering him. That guilt must really be working him over...

During the kids nap time, he and I usually try to sneak in a nap. He said how tired he was, that he was going to try to sleep. About a half hour later, I hear him on the treadmill. Now mind you, he should be exercising due to his health. I can probably count the number of times he's gone on this past year on one hand. So why today, who knows? Maybe trying to get buff in one month for his romantic getaway? Good luck with that! Lol!

I'll end with the good...

Yesterday was one of the best days we have had as a family in a long time.

We've had some good days, but I felt this was really good. Very natural and relaxed.

It didn't start out great. I was tired from being up very early with the boys, and was feeling cranky. When he got up, I was half asleep on the couch while the boys watched tv. He leaned over me, rubbed my arm, and told me to go get some rest. He thanked me for letting him get some sleep, and said I should get some too.

So I did. And I felt better.

It was beautiful out, so we did yardwork all day. I invited him to Home Depot with me and the boys to get annuals, and he surprised me by saying yes. He was normal all day, and it is weird details that I notice. He wore an outfit that he hasn't worn since all this - it was a particular t shirt and hat, but it made him seem like him. Does that make sense? Also, usually when we are in the car, he puts his teeny bopper music on. He left my favorite station on - and was even singing along to some of the songs!

We had a nice dinner out on the deck to finish out the evening. I went to bed tired, but with a calm mind.

He ended up coming up to bed around 4:00 am. I heard his phone buzz with a text at 5:00 am. Are you kidding me?!?! He was snoring away though, didn't hear it lol! We slept with our bodies touching - I certainly wouldn't call it snuggling or anything, but he definitely wasn't clinging to the edge of the bed either. He doesn't when he comes up. Instead, he gravitates towards my side of the bed.

Hey, maybe he just wants to try to hog the bed

So here I am, a mixture of emotions again. A very interesting weekend. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing...

Have been reading a lot of old threads, such good info. Here is a quote I found that I would like to end with -

"CHANGE

When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles."

Winds are kicking up around here for sure!

Happy Memorial Day everyone

[CharlieBrown]

TVS, I love that quote, sooooo true!

Your ability to notice and focus on the positives going on in your life is something I admire greatly. Too often I miss the positives as I obsess on the negatives or wait for the other shoe to drop. In business management that skill set has served me well, in my marriage not so much. Certainly now, at a time of challenge/crisis, it is not what I should be doing. I will try to keep in mind "The TVS approach" starting tonight!

Glad you had a good day yesterday.

CB

[TSquared2]

Hi CB,

Too often I miss the positives as I obsess on the negatives or wait for the other shoe to drop. In business management that skill set has served me well, in my marriage not so much. Certainly now, at a time of challenge/crisis, it is not what I should be doing. I will try to keep in mind "The TVS approach" starting tonight!

My skill set also works/ed very, very well for my career, but like you, not so much in the M department (maybe it would have worked if I had married another engineer (and THAT would have been scary as all heck!), but I didn't...lol). That is one of the many take-aways from our LBS journey...please keep that with you no matter where your sitch ends up!

Yes, TVS is quite the amazing woman....I have learned a lot from her
T^2

[Takevowsserious]

Awww shucks guys, you know how to make a girl smile

I do try to always see the positives. Sometimes I think it's the little things that can be the most telling or significant. On the other hand, sometimes I have to stop myself from getting too detail oriented. It can be very easy to analyze everything they do or say.

That can get us nowhere real fast lol!!!

CB, keep up the good work and PMA - I know it can be difficult at times, but push through the bad times to get where you want to be.

And T... Always thinking of you. You saved my butt many a times here when I was feeling down and out. Hope you are doing well

Nothing new to report here... Work still busy, kids are wonderful and amaze me more each day, and H still in the fog.

And me? Tired, frustrated at times, but working through some stuff and feeling pretty good right now.

That can always change like the wind though

[reachingHigher]

Hi Tvs,

I read your weekend update earlier this afternoon and was thinking about it for a while. Of course, you know I love whenever he connects with you and the family! But coming in so late Friday -- crazy! Hurtful, too!

I wanted to share -- don't know if it'll help -- what my H said when the MC asked how he makes plans with the buddies but not with me. He said, I don't do anything. They make the plans, and since he is already drinking, he says "I'm in!"

So I was thinking about your sitch with this nasty OW. It seems like your H is drawn to many aspects of the home life, but she is putting this pressure on him. It seems your best course (I know its already been said, but...) is to keep on being your awesome self and letting him see the difference.

You know if you put too much pressure on a balloon it'll...POP!!

So...this vacation will be A LOT of pressure. Does the company conference (where you look like a knockout--and she looks frumpy) come before or after planned vacation?

[uRworthy]

Hey girl. You know how I feel about you.

Glad your weekend ended on a good note.

Your h is all over the place. And the ow is pulling hard right now so I am not surprised he is going on the trip. And texting at 5 am? Geez. Can we say insecure and freakin right about now. Hee hee. Oops, did I laugh out loud? My bad. Not. LOL!

I actually think it is necessary for both of you that he goes.

I posted this on your last thread. Wasnt sure if you saw it. You had questioned why your h might feel like he is missing out since he had a lot of gf's and went away to school, etc.

Sometimes, when they hit a milestone age like 40 or 50, they start to question life. They realize that they are responsible for a family, a career, etc. And they think that they will not ever have total freedom again. They are getting older and their mortality is hitting them.

Now, for healthy men, those ages give them pause but they are able to handle it appropriately. But for those who have issues from childhood or issues not properly dealt with, they go into crisis.

As far as the ow, the general length of these affairs is commonly between 18 and 24 months. Of course, that is a broad generality. How long it lasts has a lot of variables.

The idea is for you to outlast it.

And for him to figure himself out.

It is natural to feel frustrated, T. How could you not? But I dont think your story is over with him. And I know that you want to know you did everything you could to keep your family together.

You are doing wonderfully, my friend.

[Takevowsserious]

Love you ladies!

rH, our company meeting is in two weeks for two days - so it will be before their little trip. I'm sure OW will be clingy and jealous. I really feel much stronger than back in August when I had to see them together. I'm gonna sit back, and let her cling and claw at him.

I often wonder as I see changes in him, if she notices them as well, and if they make her nervous and unsettled. It's just a feeling I get. I would imagine as she feels this, she is going to continually pressure him to reassure her of their R and his feelings for her. Mind reading to a point, but also drawing on my knowing her for many years. I think underneath it all, she just can't help herself and will continue to act insecure and needy.

And just as your H is often along for the ride with his drinking buddies, I think OW is the boss and calls the shots with H. I think she has been controlling him and their R for a long time. That's on him whether or not he gets tired of being bossed around.

UW, I love when you get your digs in on OW, then pull out a "my bad!" Lol! It makes me laugh every single time.

I know you understand the A dynamics, having been there yourself. Totally mind boggling stuff at times...

What's the saying... Desperate times call for desperate measures?
I think OW has reached desperate times.

This thought does help me through, still feeling hurt though. My H did nothing for our ten year anniversary last year, I'm sure will do nothing for my 40th (yikes!) birthday at the end of summer, couldn't even buy me a damn card from our children for Mother's Day, but he'll go on a beach vacation with ho bag and lavish her undeserving fat a$$ with gifts.

Not sure how he could ever possibly make up for all of this.

I know, I know, I hear you now... Don't get ahead of yourself It's hard though when you feel like you are being treated so terribly and with such little consideration and absolutely no respect. While this may one day be forgiven, it will never be forgotten.

I did read your post about why he thinks he's missing out - thank you. I know he is dealing with his mortality. It's soooo frustrating though that while he is running, he is missing out on his family - and me.

He has actually said from time to time that he is "trying to figure things out" - I know he is trying in his own way. I do believe this trip has to happen. Will it be a turning point?

And you are right - I'm trying to outlast twinkle twat ho!!!

I don't think my story with him is over either - not by a long shot

[Raine]

T, I see the same thing rH mentioned about her H being pulled into things he may not want to do. My H has said he feels pulled in so many directions and that everyone wants his time. Everyone keeps making plans for him and he doesn't want to do any of it. He listed names or groups of people and paused as if there were more he wasn't going to mention. I know ow must be demanding of his time and that may be a big reason he keeps dropping them and then reaquiring.

I've thought that often when you mention your H coming to you for repeated permission to do something. It's like he wants you to say no. Kind of like as kids when someone you didn't really like hanging out with invited you to hang out and you had to ask your parents permission, hoping they'd say no.

Keep up that positive vibe! You are simply amazing!!

[reachingHigher]

Wow Tvs, the pain is so deep, isn't it?

I hurt for you just reading your relating these things. And all the while being a star mommy and keeping the house together too!

Idk how you can do it each day!

I do remember the intense pain from last summer and fall & winter. But you know
what? It's fading. Kinda like the pain from childbirth fades after you are holding the wonderful baby and its growing. You just think about the baby not the pain.

And you have new issues to deal with.

The pain fades a little bit every time H reaches for me, kisses me just b/c he sees me, or when he tells me his plans and is following up on his promises.

It fades a little bit when I look at myself and see how I've changed and grown and learned.

And yes, each of our H's will have to learn to say "no" to someone else or risk being in the power of somebody else their whole lives.

What I don't get is ... if they are so weak ... why are they so dam good at saying no to us???

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Raine and rH!

I guess if we think of their behavior in terms of acting like a teenager, it makes some sense. Wanting that approval from "mom", but caring more about their peer's approval.

And Raine, there may very well be times where he wants me to say no to something. Sorry, but that is not my place. I'm not going to make his decisions for him, and he's not going to use me as an excuse for something he doesn't want to do. He needs to learn to speak up for himself and say no. I really hope that he will.

You are right rH, they need to not let other people have so much power over them. Meanwhile, they obsess about us trying to control them.

Thanks for your encouraging words, I look forward to a day where my hurt starts to recede. I want that wound to heal so badly. Not gonna happen in limbo.

~~~~~~~~~

H very tired again after work. He's been looking real run down lately.

I went to yoga and had a great session. It's become one of my outlets I depend on to help release stress and clear my mind.

Before yoga, H was tired but nice. We ate dinner as a family. I noticed him checking me out a few times.

After yoga, seems a switch was flipped. He was in a bad mood. Didn't even look at me. Finally speaks to me, and asks if it would be okay if he met a friend who is in town for a week on Friday. He said he knows that's my yoga night, but that maybe I could have my parents watch boys since they always offer. I told him I would ask them.

He got a shower, then seemed to be in a better mood, more relaxed. Was chatty with me. Even walked around naked a bit in bedroom after shower (the modesty has slowly been going away).

I'm guessing OW wants to see him Friday, and he was stressing about it. Doing my best to get out of the way...

Pressure keeps building, he keeps not sleeping, health issues worsening...

Yep, those winds of change are swirling outside. I just keep on keepin on