round and around we go

[willbwell]

What I have been thinking about lately is how do we teach our children? How do we stop this cycle? Some many kids from divorced families. Why has it become ok for marriage to be disposable? Where is the value on honesty and integrity?
I have two teenage boys. what there dad has done is wrong. I know I can only lead by my example. I give them unconditional love. I don't want them to behave like their father though. I tell them my expectations of them. I just am sad to feel that their father has given them a terrible example. Can't go back and undo. They see me marching forward. They see my keeping the path smooth. I know its about inner happiness. Can only do what I can do. Our society though allows this insanity.

[golf mom]

You're right - society does allow this insanity, especially in my state. There is not one D on my side of the family, but on H's side everyone has been D, so apparently it's no big deal. He has yet to make the connection between part of his childhood trauma and his parent's D. Like you, I have two teenage boys. They have been badly hurt due to H's actions. His thought is 50% of marriages end in D and the kids are fine. Apparently he hasn't talked to any of the kids and he certainly won't listen to his own. The way they feel is my fault, according to him. How delusional.

Divorce reform is needed. The courts make it too easy to walk away. There should be mandatory counseling when kids are involved. I understand some states do require this. I wonder how many families are being saved.

[labug]

I asked a similar question on this board a long time ago, it got little traffic but it's a good question.

Honesty with themselves and others, allowing them age appropriate control of their lives, respecting boundaries, their own and those of others.

[bustingout]

I wonder too. I wonder how it has become so easy to dismiss the impact of D on children to the point where people can actually say 'they are better off with their parents divorced'.

[Fartiltre]

This is global...I think! It is a global justifying of D. And the most crazy thing is that it is not just people saying "they are better of....."
IT'S ALSO THE PARENTS!

[Papa4Life]

This is a great discussion. I have read that, while
of abuse and drug addiction/alcoholism in a M.

My BIL advised me not long ago to stop trying to R with my W and to "move on" with my life because it's in the "best interests" of our kids.

I calmly asked him to explain to me how looking a 9 year old and an 11 year old kid (not to mention their twin 4 year old sisters in the eye and telling them that mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore is really in their "best interests".

You're right, society makes it far too easy for people to get. D.

[willbwell]

Thinking out loud....
Its a holiday weekend. I have my bookclub tonight. I told H about it and said if he would like to come over and hang out with the kids...S 19 working. S16 and D 15(handicapped) will be home. H tells S16 that he has to work.... Really?? on a holiday weekend?? He goes to lunch with S19 then goes to work from there. Says he's working until 8-9pm. Sounds mighty suspicious to me. Who chooses to work on a holiday weekend over hanging out with their kids? He put in his time yesterday I suppose. I want to call him on it. No, its not keeping the path smooth, but am I just being a fool to believe him?

[~ kd ~]

I would submit that the answer to these types of questions begs a deeper look. I think people get caught up with the ideology of M, which is strictly a social construct.

If we were to go waaaaaaaayyy back, to a time when our very existence and survival was dependent on social bonding, coupling was more of a life long endeavour.

While at least SOME of us are still driven by that deep seeded, instinctual NEED, it is no longer necessary for human survival. One could potentially theorize that, if we catered to darwinistic thinking, this type of behaviour, of becoming disinterested in or even resistant to lifelong coupling, could be a natural evolution to normalize, or even reduce our population.

I would speculate that, if we were to take a small group of people and placed them on some other planet capable of sustaining human life, there would be a strong, instinctual drive to couple for life, once again.

If one leaned more towards theological favour, then there must be some learning that people and society need to learn from this change or apparent degradation of the sanctity of marriage. Is it truly for us to fight or resist what has been handed to us or is it for us to learn humility and compassion and strengthen our faith?

I think that all we can ever really do is, the best we can do and always strive to do better. That includes trying to make the best of a situation that is traumatic and be conscientious of the messages we show and pass on to our children, through these life changing events.

[willbwell]

KD, I appreciate your response. I agree with practicing compassion. I know my H is sad and confused. I look for good. I look for silver linings. I know there is a bigger picture. I will say this situation has made me become much more spiritual. I know my blessings three of which are my great kids.
I want to do my best. I don't want to be bitter. I want to keep the path home smooth. I still struggle daily with hurt and sadness. I am envious of families that are intact. That is what I want.

[~ kd ~]

It is OK to want. And to temper that want with faith and gratitude for what we have.

Each of us receives our messages when we look within, rather than out.

Easy to lash out at what we feel society has handed to us.

Yet not so easy, as we come to learn that lashing out provides us only with the momentary "value" that is the same behaviour base of those who would look at M as disposable, in the first place.

Its not for me to tell you things will get better and you will be fine, as will your kids. You already know that.

It's the journey to that end where we have the opportunity to smell the poo... or the flowers...

Keep on keeping on.