The DB lesson I learned on my previous thread: If you are not ready to rock the boat or have your MLCer disappear resist any and all attempts to have a R talk. Even when the MLCer insists.
It is ten months from BD and there has been no contact, after quite regular contact, for the last seven weeks. Since R talk.
We were together for 18 years, no children, never married and for the last couple of years were long distance so we no longer live in the same City. My xSO has changed and was changing. I missed all the signs - the desire to hit the gym, the constant reading on the latest fad diets, the compliments became non-existent, was hardly interested in sex, wanted to move out of his apartment, overhaul his finances, purge and change all his furniture, his habits and started withdrawing from me. I thought it was just stress. Then came the ILYBINILWY, spending time with me seemed "wrong", "i hate you" came out once, "life is too short" and "I have decided I want a family" when he never did before. Of course, I was unaware until I blatantly snooped that there was an OW already in place by the time BD came. I was also unaware that he was already trolling for an OW long before she came in the picture. I was the last to know - the OW was already introduced to some of his family. Long distance allowed the lies to go on longer than they otherwise would have.
The GF is a (now) divorced mother of two young children. HIs main attraction to her appears to be that she "is a good mom" and that the "two year old is amazing". Her appeal is the family. They have not moved in with each other as yet, as far as I know. I was told they discussed it (although that was later denied). I am also aware that she lives with her ailing mother. My xSO's mother is also ailing.
Personally, I have learned that heartbreak takes its own time to heal. I am not yet healed nor detached. And that it is so unlikely that we will ever rebuild our relationship.
I have learned how to be a better partner. I was too independent by far for someone who was part of a couple. He used that against me but I can now see my errors. He was not perfect but I could have been so much better. So this was a good lesson to learn. The flip side of that is that I have lost my trust in him, in me and I find that I trust other people less.
At Snodderly's suggestion, I am aiming for NC initiated by me until July. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it and at other times, I think what is the point of contacting him at all. There really is nothing left to say and if he is determined to keep going down his own road without even treating me as a good acquaintance, there really is no point.
I feel if he has not contacted me in all that time, that also sends a very clear message to me that he is done.
Hi Portia.... sorry to hear about your h/sitch. You sound like a strong woman, I admire that. You sound like you have learned lessons. Valuable lessons are very expensive!
Can you expand on:
//The DB lesson I learned on my previous thread: If you are not ready to rock the boat or have your MLCer disappear resist any and all attempts to have a R talk. Even when the MLCer insists.//
Even when the MLCer insists?... why?, if they bring it up... aren't we supposed to listen and validate?
tx, wfm
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
The DB lesson I learned on my previous thread: If you are not ready to rock the boat or have your MLCer disappear resist any and all attempts to have a R talk. Even when the MLCer insists.
Portia, I just realized that this is sort of what happened with my H too! When he returned from his 2 week PA with the Russian Tramp, we had a BIG fight and long R talk. But at that time, he told me don't worry everything will work out okay. A week later, I was doing our taxes, and found he had charged and sent her 2 bouquets of flowers, for $160 and $70, and blew up. What hurt me the most was that he had sent one right before and one right after my 60th birthday, but he had not given me anything, not even a card. I blew it, and tore into him. It was then that he told me that he has never loved me, not even on our honeymoon, that he is tired of pretending that he does, and is lying by showing me physical affection when he does not love me. And that he was going to decide whether to divorce me and marry the Tramp, or if we should just live together as friends.
Oh Lord, this is all my fault, isn't it? Why couldn't I keep my big fat mouth shut? Do you think there is still a chance for me? Is this also a clear message to me that he is done?
What do you think? I guess I should ask my DB coach about this. I am so heartbroken again. What a stupid old woman I am
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Hi WFM, it's nice to meet you. On Portia's previous thread you asked about The Secret video on youtube. I found both the first 20 minutes and the whole thing, but a few of the links to the whole movie had been disabled. What do you think of it?
Hi Linda, I have read the entire book several times. I tell you, it WORKED!.... I believe I created my business success, brought people back into my life, and money as well (tested one of their theory's), all due to the SECRET. One BAD thing, is that I fear that I also "asked the universe" to shake up my R, to break us up....as I began to set up my friends to prepare for my own separation. I totally REGRET this now, and am not sure how to get it all back!
You know how it goes...be careful what you wish for?
I do believe in POSITIVE thinking, and am working towards my own PMA ... again.
Would love to hear your thoughts on it?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Wow! That's some story WFM! Well if you believed and positively asked the universe to shake up your R, and it worked, the same thing should work in reverse, right? I'm going to watch it again and try it out. I'll let you know what happens.
Portia, I like your new thread title. You will make it whether your SO wakes up on not. Portia, your independence didn't have a thing to do w/him flipping out. Please do not blame yourself for his walking away.
Many people in crisis do not contact their spouses or SO's for long periods of time. I can remember I didn't hear from mine for about 3 months. Yes, I was concerned, but I also knew that if something happened to him, I would hear about it. Right now, your SO is still exploring the world and finding things are interesting to him. He may even be in a depressive funk and who know if he's even seeing the work place counselor any longer, but the bottom line is this...he needs the space and time to explore and experiment in order to see what the world is like on the other side of the fence. I know it's not what you want and unfortunately, none of us had a say in what they did and continue to do.
Portia, take this time and rediscover you. You are a wonderful person and life has so much to offer you. If you feel the need to contact him, send him a note, but I would still wait until the 4th of July and this wish him a Happy Fourth of July and nothing more.
Time will tell if he's done...the question is how do you feel about the entire situation now? Are you done, sitting and waiting or moving forward and living your life as if he may not contact you again?
Linda, I would have done the same thing if I had discovered that my h had sent flowers to his twinkle twat, not once but twice around my birthday. At the time, you weren't away of the tools that you need to deal w/this crazy people. Now, you have them and it sounds like you are working on your techniques a bit better these days.
BTW, I did a google on Russian folklore and read that garlic is used quite a bit as well. You might want to get some and hang it in his room to ward off evil spirits. LOL!
Ladies, enjoy your holiday weekend. Get out there and do something special or fun for yourselves and leave the mlc madness behind.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Portia, your independence didn't have a thing to do w/him flipping out. Please do not blame yourself for his walking away.
I second this. I guess this is something you'll have to sort out at your own pace. Let me tell you what it looks like from my couch - but I'm missing 2 light bulbs in the over head so maybe I don't see too clearly.
It looks like you feel you, your personality, are to blame for the R going bad. I sure hope I'm wrong on this?
It doesn't seem to matter who/how the LBS was before bomb drop, after bomb drop the WAS insists everything should have been 180.
Originally Posted By: Portia
I have learned how to be a better partner. I was too independent by far for someone who was part of a couple.
Remember please, that you, that none of us, was given a fighting chance, a "heads up".
Being a "better partner" requires that the other person participate, and communicate, because without that, there is no "partnership"...
And did you know, that this weekend, along with being Memorial Day, is international CUT PORTIA SOME SLACK weekend? Well it is!
Take care my friend
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I would have done the same thing if I had discovered that my h had sent flowers to his twinkle twat, not once but twice around my birthday. At the time, you weren't away of the tools that you need to deal w/this crazy people. Now, you have them and it sounds like you are working on your techniques a bit better these days.
BTW, I did a google on Russian folklore and read that garlic is used quite a bit as well. You might want to get some and hang it in his room to ward off evil spirits. LOL!
Thanks for the moral support, Snodderly. You always make me laugh! When my H didn't give me even a card for my birthday, I was hurt (60th is a BIG one!) but figured he was feeling too ill to go out and pick one up for me, so I didn't mention it so he wouldn't feel badly. But he wasn't too sick to order flowers online for his Tramp.
One thing that makes me feel that MLCers are crazy, desperate, depressed people and have not just suddenly become philanderers when they have these EAs and PAs, is that they try to hide them, but are SO bad at it.
Thanks for the research about Russians using garlic. My H is ALLERGIC to garlic, so hanging some in his room to ward off evil spirits is an even more fabulous idea than you thought!
//The DB lesson I learned on my previous thread: If you are not ready to rock the boat or have your MLCer disappear resist any and all attempts to have a R talk. Even when the MLCer insists.//
Even when the MLCer insists?... why?, if they bring it up... aren't we supposed to listen and validate?
Yes, to a certain extent, we are. This particular R talk though, he wanted answers from me and I was not in a good emotional space to breeze over things so in that case, I should have simply ended the conversation. There are some things that I do not believe should be even validated. He insisted that he did not cheat on me. I tried to just listen but it got pretty emotional when he kept on pressing. I also ended up shooting a big hefty truth dart and while I do not regret that, we have not spoken to each other since.
Originally Posted By: LindaM
Oh Lord, this is all my fault, isn't it? Why couldn't I keep my big fat mouth shut? Do you think there is still a chance for me? Is this also a clear message to me that he is done?
What do you think? I guess I should ask my DB coach about this. I am so heartbroken again. What a stupid old woman I am
(((Linda))) I would have been cheesed. In fact, something similar happened once between my xSO and I and that ended in a huge brawl session. We are not expected to be super-human, hon. I am the Queen of beating myself up about things (always have been) so believe me when I tell you that your reaction was quite normal and natural.
Do I think there is a chance for you? Yes, I do. Do I think it may also take some time? Yes, I do. You have a good start. He is not screaming for D and he is living in the house. While he is fixing his mother's kitchen, you'll also have some space. Linda, does he not work at all? I am wondering if this MLC is being prolonged because he just feels bored or useless. Maybe that is where the Russian comes in?
