I just need a refresher, I have had to speak to my wife periodically during the divorce proceedings. I have been trying to implement the LRT. If she initiates a conversation. Do I completely ignore it or do I wait like 48 hours so I can give a healthy short response that validates what she says?
Me 33 W 32 Married 10/13/12 WAW Started sleeping in spare room 1/13/13 Divorce filed 2/13/13 Seperated 3/1/13 till ????????? Divorced 5/28/13
Looks like your new thread kind of got lost, I'll bump it up.
The rule of thumb regarding contact is to sometimes reply right away, sometimes wait a few hours and sometimes don't reply at all. The idea is to make her think you're moving on with your life and that you're busy and doing stuff on your own, so you're not always there for an immediate response.
I would never wait 48 hours, that's way too long and is going to make her angry.
Thank you for the bump. This time I think I waited too long. She sent the message on Thursday night and I did not respond until Sunday morning. Of course she has not responded to my response as well!! Thank you for the refresher though. I will keep that in mind if I hear back from her. But at this point I should not communicate with her at all unless absolutely necessary about court right? Let her initiate?
Me 33 W 32 Married 10/13/12 WAW Started sleeping in spare room 1/13/13 Divorce filed 2/13/13 Seperated 3/1/13 till ????????? Divorced 5/28/13
It sounds like you had gone dark, and then when you tried to reach out to her the response from her went quite poorly. I would use that as a hint not to back down from LRT this time.
I really don't understand how your M could have gone south in less than 4 months, your W may have some bigger issues going on than just needing some time and space to figure things out. Still, I think it would be best for you to remove yourself from the equation as much as possible so that she can recognize that the demons she's struggling with are internal and not external (IE, your fault).
I'm assuming you both have attorneys? If u do let them discuss. Take your time and think carefully what u are agreeing to. At the beggiinning I would have agreed to anything exw asked for in order to save my M. By the end I Iooked at my divorce as my business partner breaking a contract. It help me focus. Take as long as u need to answer. And take care of yourself
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
First I would like to say thank you for always responding. You have been a tremendous help.
You are absolutely right. I went dark for 27 days and decided to contact her and the contact did not go well. So since then I have been applying the LRT which I have backslided on a couple times. I am now all in on the LRT. I think I am finally mentally stable enough to not backslide.
I do not understand how the marriage went south so quick as well. To be honest I think that she was unsure about the marriage but because we were so deep into the planning process she was afraid to back out or postpone. She did state to me at one point that she "thought I would change" once we got married. so that leads me to believe she was not 100% sure she wanted it. Because my wife is truely all about the spotlight (former NFL Cheerleader) I beleive that she wanted the wedding but not the marriage. Because as soon as times got rough she bailed. And mind you she has a history of running from her problems. I am not the first relationship she has had that she treated this way.
I do believe also that there are bigger issues that she may be dealing with that are way above what I can help her with. I think you are right. I do need to remove myself from the equation so she can deal with her demons just like I am dealing with mine to be a better person.
Rick, Yes we do both have our own attorneys. I will let them discuss from this point forward. Thank you for the input as well
Me 33 W 32 Married 10/13/12 WAW Started sleeping in spare room 1/13/13 Divorce filed 2/13/13 Seperated 3/1/13 till ????????? Divorced 5/28/13
Another questions about the LRT. In sandis rules it says to not ask your spouse out on a date until the R is better. In my case I am implementing the LRT which I understand that I do not initiate any conversation. My question is, If she does contact me, is it appropriate at that time to invite her to something I may be involved in such as church, or maybe to go for a walk or what not. Is that considered asking on a date?
Me 33 W 32 Married 10/13/12 WAW Started sleeping in spare room 1/13/13 Divorce filed 2/13/13 Seperated 3/1/13 till ????????? Divorced 5/28/13
IMHO, your WAW should pursue you if things are to get better. Until that time, you should not make matters worse by asking her out on a date. It will show her a desperate man who is pining away for her. That is not what she should be seeing in you!
I know you miss her badly. But you won't get her back by pursuing her while she pursuing a D from the M. It took Crimson over a year after the D was final before his XW would even discuss being on a "date". But the last time I checked, they were trying to work things out. So, it may take the D and a year later before you can go there.
I maintain that a woman has ways to let a man know that she's interested in being alone with him. Until that time, he would do well to leave it alone. And.....if she is "showing" him she wants to be with him and he's too blind to see, then he doesn't need to be alone with her anyway.
Quote:
My question is, If she does contact me, is it appropriate at that time to invite her to something I may be involved in such as church, or maybe to go for a walk or what not. Is that considered asking on a date?
Yes, it's a very cheap date. But Crimson's XW had a problem even with the word "date".
Why is she contacting you? Is it always about business or kids? Does she ever contact you just to talk? Does she ever act interested in how you're spending your time or how you're feeling?
The LRT really works best, IMHO, when the couple is still under the same roof. However, you could go dark. That may work better for you. If you can't go dark (the really real last resort), then try to "drop the rope", which is the next best thing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for the valueable insight. I do agree with you that in order for things to get better she needs to pursue me. I guess that is were patience comes in. I really am starting to believe she has moved on and over me though. And that is why it is tough just to sit back and not do anything. But I do understand that it must be done.
I do miss her badly!!!! Then of course on my way to work today I saw her drive past me. She was coming home from work. We are seperated living in seperate households now so I never see her. Just seeing her drive by triggered alot of emotions. I miss her dearly.
What are some signs that she is "showing" she may want to be withm me. I can tell you right now that I am getting nothing from her but would like to be prepared for the future if the signals are ever sent.
To answer your ?'s
She is not contacting me barely at all. Only on regards to the proceedings if absolutely necessary.
She never contacts me just to talk. She pretty much tells me she does not want any contact unless it has to do with the D proceedings.
She never acts interested in how I am spending my time and I dont feel like she cares at all about my feelings. Never asks.
We are not under the same roof so do you think the LRT is best for me to do? What does "drop the rope" mean?
Me 33 W 32 Married 10/13/12 WAW Started sleeping in spare room 1/13/13 Divorce filed 2/13/13 Seperated 3/1/13 till ????????? Divorced 5/28/13
Thank you for the valueable insight. I do agree with you that in order for things to get better she needs to pursue me. I guess that is were patience comes in. I really am starting to believe she has moved on and over me though. And that is why it is tough just to sit back and not do anything. But I do understand that it must be done.
I do miss her badly!!!! Then of course on my way to work today I saw her drive past me. She was coming home from work. We are seperated living in seperate households now so I never see her. Just seeing her drive by triggered alot of emotions. I miss her dearly.
What are some signs that she is "showing" she may want to be withm me. I can tell you right now that I am getting nothing from her but would like to be prepared for the future if the signals are ever sent.
To answer your ?'s
She is not contacting me barely at all. Only on regards to the proceedings if absolutely necessary.
She never contacts me just to talk. She pretty much tells me she does not want any contact unless it has to do with the D proceedings.
She never acts interested in how I am spending my time and I dont feel like she cares at all about my feelings. Never asks.
We are not under the same roof so do you think the LRT is best for me to do? What does "drop the rope" mean? _________________________ Me 33 W 32 Married 10/13/12 WAW Started sleeping in spare room 1/13/13 Divorce filed 2/13/13 Seperated 3/1/13 till ?????????
Miss my wife
Me 33 W 32 Married 10/13/12 WAW Started sleeping in spare room 1/13/13 Divorce filed 2/13/13 Seperated 3/1/13 till ????????? Divorced 5/28/13
But Crimson's XW had a problem even with the word "date".