Good Old England

[KenF]

Bruce,
then your wording is way off, in one post you said "because I wanted to spend the summer on the beach," and a few posts later you've revised it to: "to take a couple of days off"

again, in all of this discussion you never acknowledged that she may have been stressed too.

you're very quick to make excuses for yourself, and disregard any excuses for her. and that was the point of my post, for you to see how you'd respond.

If you cannot empathize with her feelings, how can you empathize with your son's? when he's crying and throwing a tantrum and refuses to stop crying, how will you react? how can your wife believe that you'll be capable of putting your feelings aside to care for him?

and that is why she doesnt think you should get time with your son.

To care for a child is extremely stressful, there are times that nothing you do will satisfy him, and you cant take a vacation. you cant take a few days off. you cant even take 5 minutes off. he'll keep you awake all night, and spend the next day fusing and whining.

[25yearsmlc]

Hello,
the lack of context makes me look like a monster. when I said the beach thing, what I ought have explained is that I was going to resign from my extremely stressful job in France and rather than flying overnight and starting a new job in Canada the next day, I would stay a little more to rest and then fly and take on the new job. With perspective I now know it must have come across as the guy who doesn't give a fig and is thinking of himself, but it truly wasn't my sentiment.

To clarify, no court is scheduled as of yet, however two important things happen in June.

1. The 18th June it will be one year of official separation, which means she is legally entitled to file for divorce.

2. The current order runs till end of June. And I'm trying to negotiate something for after that date. Son and money wise.

So you need do nothing but continue on as you are now. EXCEPT You want more time with your son than the court ordered, and to pay less than the court ordered...

so what's the question? You seem to be asking us Why SHE won't help you achieve those goals. It's an odd question to all of us

Because Bruce, those are not her goals; they're yours.


SHE

If I stop the payments, I will have to pay arrears at some point and it'll look bad on me.

I understand that her withdrawal is an answer in itself. Because dialogue for refusing to give me more time, nevermind 50-50%, is not sustainable, she just doesn't engage in it.
Therefore, stop me if I'm wrong, but the only solution I have is to go see the lawyer and when end of June hits, file for pre- trial, with a request to have my Son half the time.

Or is there a way to tell W: look we'd better save us some hassle, and just grant me half time, etc...?

I don't know, women in general want the dad to be involved right? Why doesn't this one want that to?

Thanks for your great posts,
Bruce

[25yearsmlc]

To finish my post (sure wish we could edit!)

Hello,
the lack of context makes me look like a monster. when I said the beach thing, what I ought have explained is that I was going to resign from my extremely stressful job in France and rather than flying overnight and starting a new job in Canada the next day, I would stay a little more to rest and then fly and take on the new job. With perspective I now know it must have come across as the guy who doesn't give a fig and is thinking of himself, but it truly wasn't my sentiment.

To clarify, no court is scheduled as of yet, however two important things happen in June.

1. The 18th June it will be one year of official separation, which means she is legally entitled to file for divorce.

2. The current order runs till end of June. And I'm trying to negotiate something for after that date. Son and money wise.

So you need do nothing but continue on as you are now. EXCEPT You want more time with your son than the court ordered, and to pay less than the court ordered...

so what's the question? You seem to be asking us Why SHE won't help you achieve those goals. It's an odd question.

Because Bruce, those are NOT HER goals; they're yours.


SHE

If I stop the payments, I will have to pay arrears at some point and it'll look bad on me.


WHY on earth would you stop the payments? What possible goal would be served? You won't "save" money, that's for sure.

(Bruce...recognize your inner self here. Your priority is clearly to pay less. Dig deep and see if that is the man you really truly want to be).

FYI---She'd take you to court and win the back payments, (plus you would also have to pay legal expenses for her having to go to court to make you pay.

Why? B/C the court does not want to reward you for not paying support, so it won't.

In her shoes, she'd probably start having an allotment automatically deducted from your pay, so as not to ever have to rely on your word or commitment to provide, OR have to go back to court every time you with hold support.

In the past, you did not pay regularly, (hence the arrears) so you'd simply be repeating that pattern of not paying unless you are forced to, or unless you are in the mood...which the court would see clearly.

No mother wants to feel chronically worried about finances and how to care for her son. No woman wants to have to "ask" for money from the father of her child, or have to go to court every time he doesn't send a check. So like I said, If it were me, I'd want an automatic payment right out of your check into my account. No more requests or interactions about money.

Please don't pipe up about HER parents taking care of HER, (as if that's something you get to resent).

At times You deeply resent or complain about their "Interference" but you were willing to let them provide for her and your son.

Your son is Not their responsibility,

And they have more than "chipped in" to help him.

They've provided a home and stable environment when you did not. They provided food on the table and clothes for him,

all those months you were in your home country, too "stressed at work" to send money or want to be with him/your wife.

I SO wish you could hear what we are trying to tell you.

Yes that would "look bad on" you. B/C It would be bad of you to do that.

I understand that her withdrawal is an answer in itself. Because dialogue for refusing to give me more time, nevermind 50-50%, is not sustainable, she just doesn't engage in it.

Therefore, stop me if I'm wrong, but the only solution I have is to go see the lawyer and when end of June hits, file for pre- trial, with a request to have my Son half the time.


Or is there a way to tell W: look we'd better save us some hassle, and just grant me half time, etc...?

when you say "WE'd better save US some hassle"

you do realize it's only YOU, that would be saved "a hassle", Not her?

I mean, honestly,

what is in it for HER? Why would she "just grant" you what you want...I find it amazing you cannot hear yourself. (SIGH)

SHE does not want or believe you are entitled to have him half time.

She does not believe it is in your son's interest to be with you half the time.

You can keep stomping your feet refusing to accept that^^, but it is what it is.

I don't know, women in general want the dad to be involved right? Why doesn't this one want that to?

You ARE "involved". She simply does not want you to be more involved. Why does "this one" not want that?

B/C thus far,

you have Not impressed her as being a good father, or much like other dads.

And I think most of us agree with her.


You have had less involvement mostly by choice or abdication, which is a choice, and you were Not interested in him, (you said he was boring at this age. I commented about this earlier, but you ignored me). You can dodge those types of comments and questions, but then you keep acting baffled by her choices.

Her choices do not baffle me.

You seemed totally unfamiliar with some things the rest of us learned when we had kids, or asked around. You could have read up before he was born, or since. I've suggested a number of books for you to read and have not once heard you respond to any of those suggestions.

Not changing the diaper or ever being solely responsible for him til recently, means I'd never want you to have him for that much time - and certainly Not before he's totally potty trained.

(And are YOU going to help with that^^ whole endeavor? It's a big hassle Bruce. And it requires consistency on the parent's part... And over time...it's often not that fast )

Bruce, as the mother of your child, I would worry that you are not mentally or emotionally strong enough to handle a stressful child or a "terrible twos" phase or a tantrum. You certainly mention being close to "losing" your sanity a lot.

We understand, but when we suggest you get professional help, you sound a little smug or indignant. You insist you do "Not need meds" or professional help...

well, which is it?

if you are or were so close to having a break down or killing yourself, you need help. There's no shame in that. But you cannot let your pride endanger you or your son.

If you are in a fragile state, then the last thing you need is MORE time with your son. He's at a demanding age.

And Bruce,

given your history with child care, of course your request for more time with him looks like you simply don't want to pay as much or any child support.

The easiest way to Decrease the amount of child support is by having Increased custody of him.

We know this. You know this. AND Your wife knows this!


One of my brothers fought hard for half custody of his daughters. His ex insisted on 65/35 and for 3 years they fought in court, racking up huge bills and even having a trial.

I suggested that if it was "really not about money" that my brother request increased custody WITHOUT a decrease in child support...in writing.

poof! The ex wife agreed and the problem was solved.

Are you willing to do that? If so, tell her asap.

SIDENOTE
Bruce, U notice how you changed the wording about your delay in getting to your wife/son. You went from saying you wanted to "go to the beach for the summer" to "a few days at the beach"...

Uh, You think we believe your new version?

Do you feel indignant or angry, if we don't?

See, When you consistently dodge the important questions

and change your answers when you realize how horrible the original, unrehearsed answers sound to us, you mostly hurt your cause. You don't realize what lessons you are missing.

B/C if that is the real you, (yes, the self centered immature 'boy') then why not work on changing ^^THAT -- instead of playing games or asking the rest of the world to make an exception for you?

Put the pride aside and fix yourself inside.

We are trying to help you see this and do this,

but you seem more interested in "winning" this contest.

When you play word games with us, or dodge the core issues, you fail to realize, we see thru that. AND So does your wife.




Thanks for your great posts,
Bruce

[Big Bruce]

Update:
W didn't reply to emails about my asking to "review the parental plan".
She did though ask me all the bank statements of all my accounts, which I provided, along with the assets I had at the date of petition and date of marriage. And asked hers back. No reply yet.

Anyway, Monday, my lawyer has written to hers saying we want to resume discussions, they have two weeks to answer yes, or we got to pre-trial.

In preparation for that, I've asked testimony letters from people in France who have seen me play with the baby, and I would be a good father and they noticed she didn't make any friends.
My overnights with my S went super well, I don't know what else a judge needs to see to grant me 50% time with my S. Anyone has a clue?
I'm doing this for Brucie, he deserves a dad who loves him deeply.

And oh, I bought a house, will move in after July when I come back from holidays in France. -> This proves I'm serious about my son. If she was hoping I was going to get tired and go back, she's wrong, I'm here to stay.

One last thing : If she were to come back, I'd take her, but it's been a year and a half that I have not had physical contact with her, and I prevent any other "thing" to happen by wearing my wedding band faithfully. But lately, I'm starting to have my doubts. Maybe I'm ready to take the ring off. She's not acting as my wife, why do I commit to a dream? Am I chasing wind and hoping in vain? Maybe I'm foolishly burning the opportunities, and I should accept to meet new people. I don't know, a christian lady, who wouldn't let go on the first whim, someome who wouldn't betray a heart that's true.

Strange emotions going on inside, it's new to me, don't know what to do with those sentiments. Don't know what to think. If W doesn't want my care and attention, maybe I should give it to someone else who will accept it?

Open for commentaries... I can take that, please tell me what's what truthfully. Thanks.

[PatientMan]

Wearing the ring has nothing to do with your W. It is s reflection of YOU and your personal beliefs/morals/standards. Figure out who YOU are, then make your decision and stick to who you are.

I struggled with the very same question you are asking until I learned the lesson above.

All the best.

-PM

[DigDeeper]

To be honest Bruce, I was like you in the beginning blaming everyone except myself and Justifying all my actions.
No all these actions does nothing but push your wife further away from you.

[25yearsmlc]

BB,

PowerOfNow is going for half custody. He's been in his kids lives for the whole 10 year marriage.

But in his state, since his wife is a stay at home mom, and he works, the court will be very UNlikely to grant him half custody.

You have less of an argument for getting half custody.

Your friends in France may help but I doubt it. First, their testimony is based on you a long time ago. Besides, back in France, you admitted that you were never once alone with your son, never gave your w a break to care for him for even an hour, and had not ever changed a diaper ever, for 2 years. So I don't know what their opinions of your fathering is based on...how you acted around him WHILE your wife took care of him?

And as for her not making friends, BB, that is totally irrelevant to custody. Why would you even think a court would care about that?

Plus, if you had more social awareness, you'd see that it makes YOU look worse as her h. You took her to your country and dumped her there along a lot, with you working and doing your hobbies and then pushing her for a baby you never cared for yourself...so she didn't make many friends and you think a judge will see that as relevant?
The judge won't bother reading it. AND if they did, they'd think Less of you, not her.

Frankly, your past as a father, in France, was NOT impressive at all.

Your best shot is your presence in his life NOW and the fact that you bought a home, which shows your presences in the area is more permanent.


OTOH, at the moment, She's with him how much? Is it something like 90% of the time, and you are with him 10% of the time, right?

So, why is it in HIS interest to increase that dad time by an exponent of 5, at this young age?


Make your arguments for HIM, not for you. And be honest about it. (Your bias is so strong that you seem surprised when things don't go your way).

Also, I'm glad you were able to buy a new home. I really am.

But don't forget how much you whined about what your wife was "taking" from you in support and alimony.

Try to internally stabilize things. No "total victory" or "total catastrophe"...just be in the bell curve for now.

As for dating, IF I thought you were ready, I might say "why not? You are a new improved man. Maybe she'll see your worth. Be honest with OWs and go have fun...Why wait?"

But I don't see that. I see you as a man who has learned to change a diaper and has bonded some with his son. Sadly, you seem to think that's enough to be considered a "great father"! That belief means you are not where you need to be.

Plus, she probably assumes you are dating anyhow.

[Big Bruce]

hello,

the argument that w didn't make any friends while back in France goes along with the testimony of several people, including a doctor, saying she is very unstable emotionally and a- sociable. therefore, S needs me as a stability in his life, he needs at least one patent that's I'd normal, me.

As for the house, money comes from parents, and from half property division (that didn't happen yet despite my supplicating W to say whatever amount she wants and take the money...), and a huge mortgage.
One of the reasons being that mortgage payments will be cheaper, yes less expensive, than the actual rent. Therefore, I will be able to save some money I hope.

Also, I didn't take W to my country: we meet there, married there, lived there, baby was born there, she escaped to Canada, pretending we would be reunited and it was all BS.

And my parents said they would come to Canada for a couple of years to keep my son of it'd help the judge give me 50% time.
Because I work full time, and madam, after completing her masters now wants to begin a 4-year course in nurse. Her revenues keep being 0$ and this maxes the alimony she gets, the child support and special expenses (child care, etc). She gets paid for not looking for a job and advance her career.

And in all this, it's not as if she called, or wrote emails. It's zilch. No reply. Nada.
Complete withdrawal. Betrayal to the Max. Not even a happy father's day or a happy birthday. Never mind a how are you or a have a good day.
So to ask for more of my son, it will have to be court again. Do you think my reaction is disproportionate to her behaviour?
How do you suppose a normal person should react to her?

Big Bruce

[25yearsmlc]

(Written on an IPhone---apologies for typos)

As Gabby said, I am also starting to believe you aren't real.
Aside from the inconsistencies in your story (you forget the many versions you have told us), you also sound so one sided, it's hard to believe you're a real person.
"Escaped to Canada"?? That's Her home country.

Remember how GREAT You treated her & Bruce back in France?
Then you said something like,
"She Pretended to plan on /reuniting was BS"--

Bruce---hello??- that's just a Lie you are telling -

you forget what WE (& your w) remember!!

She wrote you a letter after numerous complaints of loneliness & your total lack of involvement with your son. You showed us the letter!
THEN she left & anyhow
YOU took six months to follow her (she warned you that you could Not live where she was. She told you Not to come!)
BUT before you "rushed" to re-unite with them, first-you wanted to
Spend time on your own at the beach BEFORE joining them-

and you complained that she "was not happy for you then." You called HER selfish!
Who are you kidding?

Bruce, keep your stories straight or you'll look like a nut or a total liar.
At best, you leave out BIG chunks of fact when it serves you. But when we get the whole picture, you just look deceitful.

I think you believe your own BS, which is why it's such a waste of time trying to get you to open your eyes.

It's delusional and ir deceitful. I mean that.

NOW you say your w is "unstable"---oh really? Since when? since YOU talked about suicide last, or fleeing the continent OR???
your claims abput her are laughable lies.

If she were unstable or unsafe, why'd you let her have him all this time??

Weren't you worried for your son?
No - Bruce you were not, so you see,
Your NEW story (it's new b/c you never before mentioned any of this-just her sadness, which got her NO empathy from You, just irritability on your end),
so its not as if your son's safety ever mattered before)
makes No sense!
You're not the first LBS to try to slander a spouse to reduce child support or use extortion threats to manipulate. You think we're idiots?

All you want is to Not pay her as much money &
that's obvious to me, and your wife...& anyone who has read your Whole thread...

Your back up strategy is to use time with your son as leverage to force your wife home, which will also fail.

You do Not have a noble cause here Bruce.

[25yearsmlc]

It would be so different if You were the "wronged party" here

Or a man who'd had a rocky marriage & realized HE was the
Source of those "rocks" AND he was digging DEEP, &
Bravely & persistently, to repair the flaws that had so
deeply hurt a w and son

OR

if you just came here, a humbled broken man...
Willing to Do ANYTHING -ANYTHING, to become
a better, More loving father & (maybe someday, a
much better h...)

It'd be SO different

IF YOU were Trying your best to
get on a path that helps you live
a life as a noble father & honest man.

But alas, i don't believe any of these ^^^ apply
To you. Every decent gesture you make
is announced & measured, and
your world view is SO skewed, i know
My efforts have been fruitless, via a bus
YOU.

You're the same guy now that you were a year ago,
With a vindictive side really starting to
Show.
My final warning to you is this:
Your self righteousness & any punitive moves
against your w (e.g., lies about her mental stability
based on YOUR friends comments
from 3 years ago-The same friends who thought
You were a great dad...which was based
on What? You never took care of him)

are Not Nearly as relevant or helpful to you as you
Seem to think.
Is some pricey "international lawyer"
Billing you $$$ & convincing you that these
Sleazy tactics will work?

Bruce those tactics will Not work. They're
Not even original.
And they Will backfire in three ways:

1) Your w & her family will write you off
for good, b/c your true colors will be seen.
Lying about her, or twisting the truth SO
much & leaving out the parts that make
You look bad, is morally wrong. This is
The mother of your only child.
Shame on you.

2) Second, your R with your son will suffer.

This always happens when a parent bad-
Mouths the other, as you are doing here,
With your wife. Though this applies to
both parents, so far your w has not resorted
To lying about you. She puts her complaints
In writing, to You.

3) Finally, the Courts Detest this type of behavior
& i see it fail & backfire all the time. It's Not
New or unusual for them to see/hear.

Sometimes a LBH will say his w "has been a drunk
For six years. NOW she wants a divorce
And she wants to remain a sahm. Well
I say i get the kids! I say SHE is dangerous!"

The Courts see right thru it. Like many of US...

If the father were so Concerned about
his children and their Mother's drinking
habits, -- Why'd he WAIT til the
Divorce to mention it?? Hmmm?

(Because he wants to keep the money and
the illusion of control.)

And that's ^^^^ how Your choices look to me.

PLUS, from your posts here, an argument
For your own psychological & emotional
Need for help is obvious
even to the untrained eye.
No shame in it, but as the American
Phrase goes,
"don't throw rocks when You live in a glass house."

Are you familiar w/that phrase?

Bruce, i hope you will get REAL help
to figure out why so many of us see You
As the main problem in your situation.

How is it so many of us see so little growth
Or change In you? Why do you think that is?

I see the same guy who came
here a year ago
EXCEPT you are Not
Interested in changing You at all. Not now.

You want us to find blame in Her alone.

When we disagree, you change the story
OR
The topic...& that's why you are still here.

We cannot do anything for you this way.

I mean it. I cannot reach you.