I am working on me but if she doesn't change I don't want to be in this marriage either. What I have found through all this is that I actually like myself. I have hated myself all my life. (That is something I hid from her while we were dating.) The men I have brought into my life, hobbies/outings I'm into, the ministry projects I take on, and my faith have really brought on great changes.
We have daughters going into Kindergarten and first grade. As a child of divorce myself, I want to be able to look at them and confidently say I tried everything. I am working on the things I can change: who I am, how I am, the parent I am. Unfortunately she wants nothing to do with me[1], so I can't do much about the husband I am.
Here is the point. I can change me, and I want to. But I've not been happy in our marriage either. I don't want another 10 years of disrespect, manipulation, rejection, and loneliness either. If she doesn't change, I want out. I don't believe in divorce, but she has served me with papers. This may be my best opportunity to get out.
So, I am just starting chapter 1 but I want to know in advance if there is any, "the other spouse changes too" part. I want us to both be the people we should have been from the beginning if we hadn't gotten married as clueless 23 year olds.
[1] We are still in the same home. She is still in our bed, but most nights I sleep on the couch, with our children, or occasionally away. The bed is just so depressing and lonely that I don't want to be there.
I think it is important to get clarity on what your goal is. Obviously you don't want to go back to the same old routine. Are you (or you and your wife) talking to a solution based therapist? It is important for both of you to have a shift in how you look at your future together, as I am sure you want what is best for your kids, which would be healthy and happy parents. If you aren't getting direction and support from a professional, I suggest you talk to one of Michele's coaches, as this is their expertise. Please call me if you have any questions. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
This sounds like me too. Been lurking and reading, a great deal to absorb and ruminate on. Are there any good threads on detachment hidden in the archives? Thanks for sharing
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
[1] We are still in the same home. She is still in our bed, but most nights I sleep on the couch, with our children, or occasionally away. The bed is just so depressing and lonely that I don't want to be there.
MOVE back in the bedroom.
Make her move out if she does not want you there
Moving out of the house and bedroom is a MAJOR mistake that is made in these situations.
Hmm - am in similar situation Wife is taking her own sweet time over ending her affair - and compains whenever I bring it up that it is the "only thing" I talk about Of course it is not - but my point here is how incredibly hard I am finding it to go dark/stay dark while living in the same house and being confronted with all of this nonsense
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
