DBing, GALing and living oh my!

[cbtdad]

So the other day before counseling appt for son W and I went to bank to safety deposit box. She wanted to get her passport and see if it had her maiden name or married name on it. After she came out she had it with her and asked where my wedding wing was. I jut said its at my apartment, she thought it was in box beaus she we out hers in there with all the moving.
Today she asks me to go to box to get marriage certificate because she wants to change her passport from maiden name to married name.
Says she wish she would have done it 5 years ago an says its a pain.
I asked why the rush, going somewhere?
She said no, just want to get it changed.
Anyways, why does she continue to ask favors of me!!
What do I need to get message to her that as long as there is OM this so not my job!
When we talked the other day she did admit that she relies on me for a lot. I told her it needs to stop because frankly i fill like I'm being used. She said she understood but still asks me to do things.

[cbtdad]

I really need to remember the following quote:
"You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce"

[2chiquitos]

Hi cbtdad,
Just checking in on you to see how you're holding up this morning after that super awkward talk about OM. Consider walking out of the room (if possible) if this happens again.
Take care of yourself!

[cbtdad]

Thanks 2chiquitos.
Actually doing great. Like i said to Urworthy. I'm not totally detached, but a lot farther along than I was. And I've come expect nothing.
Her words and things he saying seems to be leaning wanting to work on reconciliation, but until she actually does something about it it won't matter.
I'm not holding my breath and I'm just continuing on me.

[uRworthy]

Hey C, yep, you are getting there in the detachment department. Gotta keep going.

She keeps asking you to do things, because she can and because you keep doing them.

Time to think about some boundaries and enforcing them or they mean nothing.

[cbtdad]

Thanks Urworthy! I'm movin forward as much as possible. Why isn't there an overnight magic pill for this stuff?
I think she finally got the boundaries about not discussing OM and things with me.
Do I tell her that I'm not going to help in other ways and make it clear or just not do them? Obviously I don't want to just completely ignore her.

[moth76]

Just say no.

[uRworthy]

Today she asks me to go to box to get marriage certificate because she wants to change her passport from maiden name to married name.
Says she wish she would have done it 5 years ago an says its a pain.
I asked why the rush, going somewhere?
She said no, just want to get it changed.
Anyways, why does she continue to ask favors of me!!

First of all, why are you engaging in all this conversation ^^^^^? Asking her if she is going somewhere. Detach. Who cares why she wants to change the freakin passport?

C, I'm thinking that you keep saying things to your wife and she's not hearing you. You keep saying the same things over and over and she is hearing blah, blah, blah.

And that is because your actions are not matching your words.

If you want to do something for her, do it. But if you feel you are being used, stop.

Why couldnt she go to the safety deposit box?

C: Sorry, wife, I cant go to the bank today. Have a nice day.

If you dont start setting boundaries and they dont have to be said out loud if you arent ready for that, then you are going to continue to feel frustrated and annoyed and that will lead to anger.

You are in control of you.

[cbtdad]

You are totally correct Urworthy.
I just left there because I was picking up son. While I was there we discussed sons summer school camp and other things about him.
Then she brings up this beach trip a couple of weeks from now with this friend of OM and I can immediately feel my emotions switch.
I brought up about not talking about this and she said I brought it up because I trying to let you know what's going on and being honest. I just said hope your surgery goes well, I'll talk to you Sunday.
She is having breast augmentation done tomorrow. So I didn't want to get into tonight. But either Sunday or Monday night I plan on saying something like,
"As long as there is another man in your life I do not want to talk about anything other than what needs to be discussed about son. I hope you can respect that and please stop"
Then I AM GOING TO DO IT!!
To me it's the last thing I need to do to completely detach and I think I will feel a whole lot better
Thoughts?

[jp787]

I can immediately feel my emotions switch.

Horrible feeling isn't it...

That is something I need to get control over.