No longer treading water, must either sink or swim

[AnotherStander]

Grizz, have you read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough? There's an example "speech" in there that would make a good template for your letter. There's nothing wrong with apologizing, but at the same time you want to present a strong, confident you in the letter too. I think your letter is coming off as a bit clingy/ needy. I'll try to provide a few pointers:

W, I am not sure how to even begin. I guess to say that I am sorry. Sorry for the hurt that you have experienced. Sorry for the decisions that you have had to make. Sorry for not living up to what I should have been.

I'm not sure the apologizing will have much impact on her because it's very vague as to what you're apologizing for. It's pretty generic. She's likely to think "he still doesn't get it" because you're not apologizing for specific behavior. Take what she's told you and apologize for that, thank her for telling you and tell her what you're doing to change it.

I have had so much to say to you over the past several months but I have not mentioned anything because I knew that you probably didn’t want to hear it. Well, how can it get any worse than where we are right now?

It's likely that she really didn't want to hear it, so I'd just strike a statement like this.

I love you. I haven’t said that in a long time. I haven’t said it because I thought that you didn’t want to hear it. I am sure you know this but I just needed to tell you. I stopped kissing you goodbye for the same reason. My feelings for you have never changed only my actions. I can’t describe to you or to anyone the hurt that I feel being where we are.

Dobson's example includes an "ILY" statement, but it's along the lines of letting the spouse know that you are lovingly releasing them.

You were and are my life

DO NOT say that or anything like it! That's one line that could send her running for the hills like her hair is on fire, LOL! She was not originally attracted to you because you wanted to make her your whole life, she was probably attracted to you because you were strong and independent and were perfectly happy with your life whether she was in it or not. THAT is what you need to project to her now.

I don’t know why I am a jealous person. Which leads to the controlling behavior that you mentioned.

This is an example of what you could apologize specifically for. "You've told me that I've been jealous and controlling in our R. I didn't realize the damage this was causing to our M, but I can see now how much pain it caused you and I am sorry I made you feel that way. I am committed to changing my behavior and I thank you for letting me know about this, I'm sure it was difficult for you to discuss it."

I have always lived with a fear of losing you. Definitely an irrational fear but a fear nonetheless.

Apparently it was not irrational because you are losing her.

I cannot/could not comprehend you needing space. I took it personally. It hurt. That hurt was projected as fear and anger. When I get angry I shut down. I bury it and hope, after a while, the hurt goes away and then I come back.When you said you needed a break from “everything” that scared me. From that point forward, I didn’t know how to act. Every word, every action that I made I thought about it in my head. I thought how you would respond. I tried to read your every emotion and read your mind as to your feelings. I have walked on eggshells for a long time not knowing how to act. Which has led to me not being me.

Remember, if you're going to write her a letter it is the same concept as if you're listening/ validating to her. It's about HER wants/ needs/ complaints/ hurts, not YOURS. It is about validating her feelings, not explaining/ rationalizing your behavior.

I absolutely hate where we are. Neither one of us wanted or expected to be here. You are leaving in a few weeks. You know that I would prefer you to stay and work on us. However, if you feel like the only way that you will find happiness is to leave, then I understand. I hope you find what you are looking for. I love you.

That last part is getting closer to Dobson's example. I may have posted this in one of your threads before but my talk with W went something like "I want you to stay here and work on the M with me, but above all I want you to be happy and if you feel that leaving is what will make you happy then I support your decision and will do what I can to help you." The way Dobson puts it is you're opening the cage door. It's still their decision on whether to leave the cage or not, but as the LBS you need to let them know the door is open and you're not standing in their way. You're not telling them to go or stay, you're just stating that you are supporting them regardless of what their decision is.

[Papa4Life]

Hi Grizz, as an outside party, I can say that I strongly agree with Stander's suggestions. Some parts of your letter are mirroring those newbie mistakes we LBTers all seem to make: taking all the blame, ILY, inadvertently applying pressure. But the stronger parts of the letter are very productive and send the right message.

I don't know if it will accomplish anything -- of course I wish you much success -- but it must have felt great putting it into words.

[Spartan]

Grizz,
AS hit a lot of my points I was thinking while reading that so I won't restate them.

I would not send that letter. You don't sound like the strong person you need to be. I'm guessing this won't have the affect you want it to have on your W.

Remember, you can't talk (write) your way our of what your actions have put you in. Only consistent new actions and self confidence in yourself will make your W see you differently.

[Grizz]

Waiting, Hot, Fartiltre, AS, Papa and Spartan, thank you all for taking time to read my long post and respond. I have not given it to her yet. I have appiled the 48 hour rule. But, still not sure what I am going to do. I just feel like I need to tell her some things that I have never said, whether it helps or not. If I do give it to her however, I will definitely rewrite some of it based on what you guys have said.

AS, I have not read Dobsons book. I have learned a great deal reading your post and thank you for that. I will definitely strike the sentence about "being my life". That was written when I was full of emotion with tears flowing. I agree it is a bad idea.

I like the example you provided on the apology about being jealous and controlling. I will change my wording to be closer to yours.

My paragraph stating how I was scared and how I shut down was not me trying to rationalize my behavior. It was me trying to restate what she thinks of me and trying to tell her that I understand what she was saying about me. Does it not seem like that?

Thanks again everyone.

[AnotherStander]

I just feel like I need to tell her some things that I have never said, whether it helps or not.

Do it if it makes you feel better. But have zero expectations. I wrote a similar email to W a couple of months into our sitch and she didn't even acknowledge receiving it. That's OK, I did it because I felt like there were still some things unsaid that I wanted to make sure she knew.

AS, I have not read Dobsons book. I have learned a great deal reading your post and thank you for that.

You're quite welcome

My paragraph stating how I was scared and how I shut down was not me trying to rationalize my behavior. It was me trying to restate what she thinks of me and trying to tell her that I understand what she was saying about me. Does it not seem like that?

I think you're talking about this:

I cannot/could not comprehend you needing space. I took it personally. It hurt. That hurt was projected as fear and anger. When I get angry I shut down. I bury it and hope, after a while, the hurt goes away and then I come back.When you said you needed a break from “everything” that scared me. From that point forward, I didn’t know how to act. Every word, every action that I made I thought about it in my head. I thought how you would respond. I tried to read your every emotion and read your mind as to your feelings. I have walked on eggshells for a long time not knowing how to act. Which has led to me not being me.

I read it as you explaining to her what you were doing. IE, she needed space and you responded with fear/ anger, and now you're trying to explain why. But WAS's don't want explanations. An explanation justifies the "why" of what you did, and carries in it is an expectation that given the same situation you would respond in the exact same way. A statement more along the lines of validation might be:

"W, when you said you needed time and space and needed a "break" from everything, it hurt me deeply and I responded in anger. I can see now how wrong I was to do that, and how I inadvertently hurt you by responding that way. I'm sorry, I should have given you the time and space you were asking for and I should have done so in a peaceful, respectful manner."

Phrasing it this way might also help her realize you've done a 180 on this, because you probably are giving her time and space NOW in a peaceful, respectful manner. So this might be something where you apologize for what you did while at the same time highlighting an area where you have already changed. Does that explanation make sense?

[Grizz]

OK AS, you need to write a book on validating. Is it plagiarizing if I just write what you wrote? I can definitely see the difference in what we both have written.

The end seems near and I am just trying my best to keep PMA. Last week was bad, real bad, but the first two days of this week have gone well. I hope I can keep it up.

Thanks again.

[ChrisN]

Keep your chin up Grizz! I'm in the same boat as you.... We're here for you man

[Grizz]

Thanks Chris. The support here is unbelievable.

[JRG]

To a good start of the week...cheers!!

[Grizz]

Thanks JRG. W wanted to tell me about her day today. This is the most she has shared with me in a long time. I have really missed that. There was no complaining or asking for advice. Just sharing which was nice. But man is it hard. I want that back so bad. But, I have no expectations that it meant anything except her just wanting to talk. I do feel good that I was able to listen and have a conversation and not show any emotion (cold, withdrawn, short etc). Keep growing.