Hello. I am so glad that I found this site. I feel like I am falling head first into the unknown. My husband of 28 years just decided to not come home about 2 months ago. To say I am devastated is an understatement. I see so much of the exact things he has done(and continues to be doing) to our family that many of you are going through too. I have been doing some reading and he appears to be one the middle of a major MLC. He is not the same man I married. I am completely committed to doing what needs to be done to save our marriage. And now with this site I will have the tools. This is the hardest thing I have ever been thru but the bottom line is I still love him and I want to try and make changes even tho he has said he is done. He truly seems to be the poster child for MLC. It is so weird because some of the things I have read it is like they were written about him. I hope and pray that I am able to do what I have to do. This is just such a dark and scary place to be in.
Hi Limbowife, have you picked up and read "Divorce Remedy"? If not, please do so as it will help you understand some of the dynamics and give you some ideas of how you can proceed and possibly help save your M.
Also, if there is any possibility for you to get a DB coach, that may also be of benefit.
You indicate you believe your H is MLC. Someone who just doesn't come home one night certainly does seem suspiciously like MLC. What other signs make you think your H is MLC.
This is always a tough situation to be in, regardless of MLC or some other "reason". You will go through some emotional cycling during this time, as you likely already have. It does get better, even though it may not feel like it, right now.
Since he left and before he left, did he give any reasons why he left or that there was trouble brewing?
Does he have any major, specific complaints about the M or you?
How has the M been (prior to his leaving) from your perspective?
Thanks for responding Kaffe Diem. I just got Divorce Remedy and plan to read it plus I have been all over this site trying to make some sense of this chaos that is now my life. He started telling me in January I am not happy, care what happens to you but not don't love you,stayed until the kids were older blah,blah,blah. I noticed in late fall he just didn't want to be involved in much at all. Talked with him and he said he was depressed. Then in January he said he was unhappy. We tried to work on some things and I thought things were getting better. Then on March 1 he just didn't come home. I feel like I have been blindsided. I thought our M was pretty good. We had ups and downs of course but we have always been able to work thru things. Now he is saying all the hurtful things like oh I have wanted to leave for years, how could you not see it, etc. I know I have things to work on to be a better wife but now all he says is I am done. My heart is broken and I am trying so hard to keep from falling apart. Ever thing I have been reading here is so weird because it like it was written about him. This site is amazing and I have learned a lot already. Like learn to keep my mouth shut even when I want to scream my head off at him and demand to know what he did with my real husband! Thanks for reading this far as I am rambling.
So yes, you are getting a lot of the script, and you are able to see a progression from "things are OK" to "things are worse than bleak."
It is going to be up to you to navigate the negative spew and re-writing of history to find any valid issues your H might actually have.
So it will be up to you to first detach emotionally from those negative things he may say or do. And also, think deep and hard about what may actually be valid or how your H may have began to drift away that were a result of your behaviours. Those are things you may want to work on as well as other things that you may think about yourself, that you may want to be better at.
What might some of those things be?
Also, GAL would likely be very beneficial to you, at this time. Even though you may not feel like doing any GAL activities and are otherwise consumed by thoughts about the troubled M, eventually you have to keep getting up and moving forward, for your own benefit, even if the M isn't saved.
What kind of GAL activities might you want to or consider doing?
Thanks for the good advice. I have always been a wife and mom first and foremost so GAL is going to be weird to me if that makes sense cause that is my life. The weather is finally warming up so of course there is yard work which was one of the things we liked doing together. I have taken a long hard look in the mirror and have seen things that I need to change and so now all I do is beat myself up and take full responsibility for EVERYTHING. I still love him so much and I know he is struggling with things I don't understand and I just feel so lost right now. I can relate to so many stories here. I have lots of work ahead and am willing to do what it takes to save my M. Thanks so much for listening!
I have been working on GAL. Trying very hard detaching but it seems to be so hard for me. He has actually been civil and has come to the house several times and seemed almost human. Just picking up his mail and using the computer. He has mentioned the D word but like it is somewhere down the line if that makes sense. Wants to get his own place but financially it's just not possible right now. But yet it's kinda weird because a few times he has been here it was almost "normal" if there is such a thing is this awful new reality. Then all of a sudden it is like a switch flips somewhere in his brain and he can't get out of here fast enough. It is like I can almost actually see it switch. Has anyone ever seen this happen and what exactly is it? I am just so confused right now.
I feel like my situation is much like yours.I've gotten the "I'm a different person now" and "I care for you still" and "I don't want to be a jerk by filing." I feel like he is going through MLC and just not happy with himself and life in general.GAL really does help and has helped me find out about myself too.
