Kate...it is one of my OCD things. I always go over the vehicles before a long journey. It is nothing new...been doing that forever.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
I agree with kate. Let you W do the work. I’m sure she will find out some legal stuff that she is not going to like. You should not just roll over. You’ve been M to her for 12 years, raising her son, you should not just walk away with nothing.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I am heading to bed...because watching the W upload pictures to Facebook is excruciating.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Hi Swede. I read the first 3 pages of this post to get the background of your sitch.
There are so many reasons a M can reach the breaking point. Typically, the LBS will assume all of the blame because the WAS is often so incredibly forceful in slamming the door shut to the M, blaming you, revising history, cheating and so forth.
I'm sure you want to believe your sitch is unique because we all feel that way when our marriages fall apart, but the sad truth is that what you have been seeing and experiencing is a typical WAS script.
No one is perfect and there are always reasons on both sides that cause stress in a M. And if left untreated, eventually reaches a breaking point. This is the M's moment of opportunity to recreate it but it almost never happens that way. Someone gets sick of it first, and the other finds out the hard way. An affair is all too common, and I would say that in 100% of the cases when a spouse has a real strong feeling that their spouse is cheating, they are. The WAS will almost always tell you its not an affair because it started after the bomb drop, but in reality it almost always starts before the BD and they try to sell you that it began after.
Look, you're human and have struggled with some addictions, but you have also done some great things. You are not a loser because of your struggles or the way that it works out for a lot of vets.
Here's the good news, and I guaranty that this will happen for you if you decide to just accept the pain of this and move forward, step by painful step. You will evolve, you will get stronger inside, you will heal, you will find the time you feel better grows while the time you feel like crap diminishes. You will look back at this period and be almost unable to remember what it feels like to feel so shitty. You will accept that your spouse broke her vows, and hurt you in the worst way possible through infidelity.
Take these seeds of advice from a guy 3 yrs post bomb and victim of infidelity. You might fight with all your might against this advice because as MWD says, this stuff is so counterintuitive:
- once they have left, they have truly left, and the more they act angry to you, the more they are doing their most to create an emotional barrier between her and you. There are two reasons to completely let her go. One is there is nothing you can do about what she is doing. If she would ever consider a new life with you, she would pursue you and make it abundantly clear that she wants you and only you, and would bend over backwards to apologize for her affair. The other reason is that your life as you know it is over. It's very harsh but very true. Start taking it step by painful step towards your new life.
- decide for yourself how you want to communicate with people going forward. That is the key to great R's, however to do that you need to know how you became you, how you became the guy she cheated on. I don't mean that with any negative judgement about you. She may have chose a cowards way out, but she was unhappy. The thing to delve into is why she was unhappy. A lot of that is on her, but figure out why you were you in those circumstances. It doesn't mean you failed as a husband. It means you, and the rest of us, have things we need to unravel and build a better foundation on in order to be a good R partner. And once you have figured out you, it is very easy to be a good partner, and you will find it easier to weed out future bad partners before future BD's.
- from now on be the guy who, no matter what the sitch is, only work towards solutions with people you are in R's with, including her. There is no point in arguing. You have every right to establish your R boundaries and you have every right to determine what your R rules are.
- addictions - everyone has some form of them, but some are more blatant, like alcohol or tobacco. However you have to do it, create the mental image of what you nwant your life to be, and even if you can't see how the hell you will get there, start walking towards it
- know that your moods are going to cycle for a LONG TIME. This sitch is going to take a long time, longer than you want or believe you can deal with, however you can make it out of this.
- go easy on yourself in the sense that you will hear all this advice from many of us and want to fight against it tooth and nail because hey, your M is at stake. I get it, and from one guy to another who has been three years in, it's okay, it's completely understandable. I was lucky when the DB vets helped me out when I was in your place. This stuff will all make sense and eventually you will be able to look back at this horror show with detachment and actually will laugh about how turned inside out you were.
Look man, start walking this brutal road, and when it is f'in you up (and it will) speak out and vent here, not with the spouse!
rickb89, thanks for so a wonderful reply and placing some great ideas into our heads. It is very much appreciated.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
