I really stepped on it, and am asking for help

[SFC_Swede]

Good afternoon all,

I found my way here, as have most of us, because the day of reckoning has descended upon me. It has been a long time coming, and we have ridden the waves for many years...but I truly believe that this time I may have lost my wife for good. When your spouse tells you they care about you, but arent "in love" with you anymore, and havent been for years. And when they completely shut down, and shut you out...I cant see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have lurked here for several days awaiting moderation...so I know that if I decide to press forward it will be a rough road ahead. Will explain everything, with full disclosure in my next post.

[KarenR]

Hi, I am glad you found us, but sorry you are going through a difficult time. Please read about Michele's telephone coaches or give me a call and we can discuss your options. They are fantastic in helping you come up with a step by step plan on the best way to go forward. When you have a coach in your corner, you will feel stronger and more hopeful and have tools to give you the best chance for turning your situation around. Take good careof yourself.

[SFC_Swede]

Thank you KarenR. Awaiting moderation has been tough, but the stories on here have helped stem the tide and provided many lessons learned.

I absolutely would consider calling a coach, but unfortunately I am in a grave position financially. I am a wounded combat veteran that has been medically discharged from the Army. I havent been able to find reasonable employment since my discharge, and the Veterans Administration is dragging its heels on my disability claim.

As you can imagine, this has lead to depression and a feeling of hopelessness that I now know is toxic to attraction. I know nothing in this life is free, but I will post my sitch and hopefully I can regain some calm and sanity.

Sitch coming in next post...it will be long, sorry, but I wanted to give full disclosure at the offset.

[SFC_Swede]

Full disclosure:

I was M to 1W for 8 yrs, and we had 3 kids, 2D and 1 S. We met when I was 18 and she 17. I was in the US Army and traveled alot. I also drank alot and spent too much time partying and out with buddies. I took care of my family the way I was raised, to provide for them, but wasnt mature enough, and too selfish to know much else. I was never abusive physically or emotionally, but it ended as anyone could have predicted in an A, and she moved on. I handled it in every conceivable worse way possible, and after the D was finalized descended into a drunken state that lasted for several years. I dont even remember the first year after the D.

Similarly, my 2W was married young to a Marine who was a drunk and P and E abusive. She had 1S with him, and after she gave birth he began hitting her again. She grabbed her S, a few things, and left. She never looked back...ever.

We met on the internet of all places shortly there after. After a brief courtship online we met for a date, and apparently hit it off on day one. I know now I was a rebound as she slept with me that first night...but we also continued on and moved in together. Yes...I still drank. But I got up, went to work, and felt I did better meeting her needs than I did in the 1M. I was still going out with buddies however, and drinking. She gave me the ultimatum before our marriage in 2001 to choose drinking or her. I said her, and we married. Of course, in hind site...I didnt do it FOR ME, but to salvage the R and marriage, and began drinking again.

I will go on with our relationship in my next post, but I wanted to put all the cards on the table. I know many of you will have ZERO sympathy for me at this point, and nor am I seeking it. I just seriously want help and to GROW. Saving my marriage will just be a pleasant byproduct.

[SFC_Swede]

So here it goes:

As I explained earlier, I know I did not do myself any favors, and had serious character flaws. I was/am a good guy that would do anything for anyone...but I had a serious drinking problem, and didnt handle relationships well.

Well, I am in Iraq in 2003. I couldnt shake this feeling that something was wrong back home. Something ate at me. I confronted my W several times, but never got an answer, but denials. I continued to pressure, and eventually, she told me that it was over. We agreed to not press a D until I got home, and the rest of that deployment was HELL. Well, when I did get home, I found out the bad news...she was in a PA for several months...as recently as the week before I returned. I found out because, due to security reasons, I had a key logger installed. All the IMs, emails, ect came rushing forth in very graphic detail....it DEVESTATED ME.

We separated for a couple weeks, but she eventually invited me back. I went and got counseling for my drinking and began the steps to recovery. We also went to MC, but it was more about me than the R, and became a place to dump on me. I just sat there and took it all in. In the end, I became a doormat to save our marriage. She is convinced the PA wasnt a big deal because in her words, "I told you it was over". In her head it wasnt an A, and to this day, I am not allowed to bring it up. I made what I thought were many significant changes to better myself and the R. But it always seemed there was something else that ate away at it.

Cont next post

[SFC_Swede]

Cont...

So as the M rolled on we had our good times and bad times. I deployed again and all went well. I did however start chewing tobacco during this time. At first she said nothing, but over time it became an issue. I know, I know...great, another addiction. I would try and quit and then start again. Each time he found out I hurt her trust and faith a little more.

Now during all this time, I had completely changed who I was as an H. I was a true father to my SS, put them both before myself, had no other friends, and listened and was there for her 110% of the time.

In 2010 I deployed to Afghanistan and stayed there for two years. In a lot of ways, our R was better than ever before. I was making killer cash due to my rank and time in service...so finances werent a problem, I was confident and trusting with her, ect. And then I got hurt. I stayed and got wounded again. I refused medevac, and stayed again. Then I got wounded a third time. I stayed in theater, but was put on a desk the rest of my tour and I returned in 2012.

When I got back I was medically evaluated and found not fit for duty. Because of my age, time in service, and rank...I was discharged rather than moved to another less impactful job. So with an Honorable Discharge, a Security Clearance, and supposedly employers hiring Veterans I was depressed but not down for the count. My W was supportive and we were moving forward as always.

But as time went on, and application for employment werent answered, and it looked more and more like I wasnt going to be able to find a job that paid anything close to what I was used to making, let alone benefits...I descended further in depression. It didnt help that I filed a claim with all supporting documents to the Veterans Administration and they have dragged their feet all the way to giving me a disability rating.

Cont next post...

[SFC_Swede]

So here we are to the present. I know 4 posts of history can be boring, and TMI...and I am sure some of you at this point are horrified...but in the interest of truly growing, I think full disclosure is best at this point, and avoids dragging this out over a dozen pages.

Anyway...I KNOW chewing tobacco is a no fly zone with the W. I try, trust me I TRY and quit. But I keep getting sucked back in. The depression isnt helping as the unanswered job applications pile up without a single interview. I stopped answering the phone, opening mail, checking email, avoiding people, not doing work around the house, ect. I pulled back, became weak, and needy. My W became more of a mother or friend than my W. And that was MY fault.

We went on a family vacation to the Florida Keys the first week of April. She caught me chewing, and in her mind severed everything right then and there. She waited until the end of the vacation to inform me of this decision, which floored me and made me think she deserved an Oscar for her performance during the Vaca...we had great sex, and I detected nothing wrong. She said she removed all the supposed reasons I chewed. I had her attention. We were having fun as a family. In her mind there was no stress, so why did I do it, and she now sees that there is no possible future with me.

She explained to me that she no longer cared about the R. That over the years, every time I stumbled or let her down a string of trust was cut. A little of her love for me died or was harder to get back. That was on 12 Apr 2013. I avoided her, and backed off. Sure there were some begging sessions, and pleas...but I recognize I am hip deep in doo doo, and knew I wasnt going to make it any better. We went about our daily lives...and while not horrible were far from ideal. She kept her distance as much as possible, and only talked to me really about our S and tasks that needed to be done.

15 thru 19 April she went to Minnesota for a business trip. During the trip I tried to keep the texts to a minimum, but it killed me that she barely texted me at all. After her return, we had sex on the 24th. She texted me and said it was nice, and I took it as a good sign. 26 to 28 April she went to a bachelorette party out of town, once again barely texting me while gone...and left me struggling to not smother.

Cont...

[SFC_Swede]

Cont...

So the one thing I havent divulged previously is that she has been guarding her cell phone like a hawk since 12 April that I noticed. It drove me nuts. It wasnt like her to carry it everywhere and not put it on the nightstand. It was always either in her pocket or bra...and she even took it into the shower with her, and slept with it. It completely fed my imagination and paranoia. I go to her laptop, and the IE history is deleted (Not that I think that she is stupid enough to use the family CPU after getting caught the 1st time). She has access to a computer at work...and with these smart phones today...who really needs a CPU to contact someone else clandestinely?

So I talked to my T about it and they told me to confront her about it. BAD ADVICE. because I did, in a non accusatory way on 1 May 2013...I just wanted the truth. Well it went to pot from there into a full blown argument. I awoke the next day to her rings and a note telling me she is filing for a D, and it was over.

After a cooling off period, she agreed to allow me to stay in the home as long as I left her alone. I have no real income (part time jobs), savings, or a place to go, so I agreed. The next day she started separating the bills, including our cell phone policy. She also opened another account for me, and told me she would start putting any money I get in there, and I would have the only card for it.

I made up my mind that day after taking to my T to completely stop spying. It was driving me nuts, and getting me no where, and even if I got whatever answer I was looking for...what difference would it make in reality? Its been a week and I feel better. yeah, the gut pangs are there, but it is getting easier to ignore. I more or less detached without knowing it.

And then I found this site, along with others. I chose this one to focus on the join, and went and bought DR at the store. I have read many of your sitch's and posts. Many words of wisdom here. Now a week later...things are even keel. She is still distant, but opening up a little. We have brief conversations about her work, son, things that need to be done. She even watched Tv with me one night.

But I know those walls are as high and thick as the Great Wall of China. I am not sure there is any saving this M as she is focusing on every bad thing I have ever done going back to 2001, and not all the changes I have made, and great things I have done for her. I know after bearing my soul here, many of you will think I am a horrible dude. I am not. I told you mostly the bad, and very little of the good. Because I learned a long time ago, it only takes one Awh crap to erase 1000 at a boys.

Well...fire away. I have thick skin and more interested in bettering myself than being embarrassed about my past.

[Positivespin]

Welcome Divemaster

Share with us your story!

[SFC_Swede]

ROFL..I am, but by the time moderation kicks in, you are going to see a flood of posts from me on this subject. I bared my soul in an attempt to know whether or not I should let her just WA.

I had a major break thru for me. I am still paranoid and panicky about another possible EA/PA. Like I said previously, my W has been coming home from OT later and later. I just have that bad gut feeling again, got in my Jeep, and was going to go to where she gets OT...and then go back later to see if she was still there. Also see the interactions with the OT I believe she is involved with. I got a block away...started remembering everything I read on others posts....and turned around and came home.

If she is, she is...nothing I can do will change that. But as I have stated many times...I just wish people would be honest with eachother. Hiding any affair just drags out the worse in all of us.

I do have some belief she is just detached from me. This is a little personal, but I do the family laundry. And her "marital aide" has been getting used frequently...something she normally doesnt do. Its not that I purposely looked, but by my training and experience, I am very observant by nature.

So now here comes the paranoia. Is she doing it to stem any urge to come to me for relief...venting steam...or pleasuring herself to stem the anticipation of her next meeting with the potential OM?

See how this crap can make you nuts????