Positive Mental Attitude

[stungBT]

My coach recommended that I maintain a positive mental attitute around my husband. Ok, but how? I am not mad or sad around him just guarded. I mean I have mad, sad and a thousand other emotions around him but I keep them in check. Before all of this I was very open and happy in front of him. Chatty, bubbly, etc. But now there is no way this is going to happen. Any thoughts?

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

[RealityTrip]

Hi Stung. Glad you found the forum. From your post I don't know too much about your sitch but your pain reads loud and clear so I am glad you are here for support.

A positive mental attitude can be tough, especially in the beginning of situations that may involve the discovery of an affair or a spouse walking away. I don't know if any of that applies to you but in trying to keep my own PMA, the only way for me to do it is to focus on myself and not my WASpouse.

If you take care of yourself, you will feel a little better every day.

[stungBT]

I don't know how to detach or maybe I just don't want to.

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

I am struggling with GAL as well. I don't know what to do. The Coach says it should be something interesting - something that shows him look shes interesting. I am mostly a homebody.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

I don't understand. Would you elaborate? How could I use it wisely?

A positive mental attitude can be tough, especially in the beginning of situations that may involve the discovery of an affair or a spouse walking away.

Its an Affair. He is very unsocial when he is home. He sits in front of the main television and plays video games until it is time for bed which for him is very early 7:30/8:00. I have been told I walk on egg shells around him. Sometimes I agree with this but in reality I am just guarded. My stepdaughter (16) lives with us full time and knows things are difficult. She does not know about the Affair only that because of all his work travel we grew apart. I won't tell her.

We do not sleep in the same room anymore. I try to "pretend" things are fine but she can tell.

[Cadet]

I don't know how to detach or maybe I just don't want to.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Also try googing detachment, and see what you can come up with for advice.
Dartmouth has a good article on detachemnt.
I can tell you that it is the most important thing that you can DO.

Have you read DR or DB?

I am struggling with GAL as well. I don't know what to do. The Coach says it should be something interesting - something that shows him look shes interesting. I am mostly a homebody.

What do you like to do?
What new activities can you find?
Maybe going to the library or volunteering at a Hospital?
What are you passionate about?

THE GIFT OF TIME.

I don't understand. Would you elaborate? How could I use it wisely?

By not sitting around moping about his affair.
Acting "AS IF" everything is fine and that you are going to be OK.
Fake it until you make it.
Read on this forum and understand what you are dealing with.
Do you have friends?
Maybe starting a diet or taking a class.
Play a sport or an instrument.

Create some GOALS.
And start working towards them.

Do you have a job?

YOU CAN DO THIS

[stungBT]

Have you read DR or DB?

Yes I have read both. I have tried going dark or what I thought it meant. It didn't seem to phase him. I will read the link you provided and double check.

Recently when I talked to my coach, this wasn't even on the list of things I should continue to do. Maybe I misunderstood.

What do you like to do?
What new activities can you find?
Maybe going to the library or volunteering at a Hospital?
What are you passionate about?

A lot of what I like to do is at home. I like digital scrapbooking - I taught myself how to use Photoshop a few years ago. Unfortunately, I work and I work long hours with a commute, so it is difficult to volunteer places.

I love to cook but have a hard time doing it right now because he will eat it and whine about it.

I looked into classes at the college near me but it being summer my choices were limited and most of them during a time I would be at work.

By not sitting around moping about his affair.
Acting "AS IF" everything is fine and that you are going to be OK.
Fake it until you make it.
Read on this forum and understand what you are dealing with.
Do you have friends?
Maybe starting a diet or taking a class.
Play a sport or an instrument.

Before all this started, I was very active had started a new eating habit - Clean eating and was quiet content with things. I lack friends and I do not know how to get them. I do not trust easily. I have a few "couple" friends but they don't like doing stuff with me alone.

Create some GOALS.
And start working towards them.
Do you have a job?
YOU CAN DO THIS

I have goals I reviewed with the coach and I have started doing some things towards them, but they are slower goals. Like loosing the weight I put on due to some medicine I was on. Some other goals are events like I want to go here or there and I have already made plans. However, most of them do not require me to get a life. I do have a job and I am so far ahead in my job training material that I have to stop.

There are other things I would like to do - like get a new car, learn to fly a sailplane, travel, etc. but they take money and until my life settles down I am in a hold on to my money position.

I feel like I am whining but in reality I am just frustrated.

[RealityTrip]

I feel like I am whining but in reality I am just frustrated.

It's ok. We all do or have or will feel this way. When you can recognize it and that it doesn't serve YOU any purpose then you should try to shift your way of thinking to PMA (Positive Mental Attitude).

I can remember posting in regards to GAL, that I was forcing myself, even when I didn't feel like it... and I never felt like it. But the more I did things to take my mind off the affair, the better I felt.

It's going to be tough at times Stung but you can do it! Take a walk around the block, ask a neighbor to join you! I like to go to the garden center with a neighbor that I discovered likes the same and pick up fruit and veggie plants for my garden to get outside and get some fresh air.

Push yourself to have fun and try new things, even the simple ones!

[Cadet]

I have tried going dark or what I thought it meant. It didn't seem to phase him.

You are not doing it for him, it is for YOU, to protect YOU.
You are making the changes to become a better person that only a fool would leave.
You are not making them to win him back, that will not work.

I love to cook but have a hard time doing it right now because he will eat it and whine about it.

I looked into classes at the college near me but it being summer my choices were limited and most of them during a time I would be at work.

Then stop cooking for him, cook for YOU!
If he chooses not to eat it is not your problem.

I just found out about free college courses.
Try googling coursea.
You take them online for FREE!

I lack friends and I do not know how to get them. I do not trust easily.

Maybe this is an area to work on.

I have goals I reviewed with the coach and I have started doing some things towards them, but they are slower goals. Like loosing the weight I put on due to some medicine I was on. Some other goals are events like I want to go here or there and I have already made plans. However, most of them do not require me to get a life. I do have a job and I am so far ahead in my job training material that I have to stop.

There are other things I would like to do - like get a new car, learn to fly a sailplane, travel, etc. but they take money and until my life settles down I am in a hold on to my money position.

I feel like I am whining but in reality I am just frustrated.

They are good goals.
I particularly like the learning how to fly one.
I have 3000 hours of flying time, but am in the same boat as you, and cant afford to fly anymore.

Maybe you can scale back some of your goals or come up with new ones.
This is the time to experiment and work on your bucket list.

[stungBT]

Thank you both for your comments

I am really struggling today. I miss him. Nothing particular happened but I would really like to call him and I know this is not in my best interest. I am not sure I mentioned it but he is currently traveling for work with her and 5 other people. He comes back tomorrow. He called last night primarily I think to talk to his daughter who was out. We spoke for 5 minutes. I looked at the caller id and clock when we hung up.

[dbmod]

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