Tell me about it. I had been doing so well. I bought the 15 laws of Growth, sign up for school and making daily progress then last night happened and I'm a mess. I'm tryn to stay calm but I've been a bumbling fool all morning. She says its gotten worse since I left, I knew it would she expected her feelings to change and when they didn't it was a sign that it's meant to be apart. She is a cold person that I don't know right now. How can I just let go. I'm trying to be strong.... But I got nothing for these emotions right now!
Same thing happened to me. She only moved farther and farther from me when I left the house. I regret leaving the house big time but that is the past and we can't change the past. Let the emotions out and work through them. I've been through the five stages of grief. I got really stuck on guilt and then depression and just today I found my self back in denial. We have to be strong and move forward! We can't go back and change anything nor can we change our W's decisions. We can only control our decisions. The loneliness kills me the most. I miss my W and Kids so much the pain is physical.
I'm trying, i'm def in the anger phase right now. And not just with her myself included. We both lack relationship skills and instead of fighthing together, she quits. I feel so abandoned. And trust me i've made my share of mistakes and i've owned them, She is unlike anything i've ever seen in my life with the anger. And from what I can ascertain at this point she's not coming back. I just feel betrayed, she knew what I went through in the last marriage and here I am again. I guess I didn't learn or grow much at all.
All I want is my wife back, but I know in order for me to survive this I have to some how let go and certainly "drop the rope"....But right now my emotions a kicking my @##
In order to get your emotions temporarily under control and clear your head, I suggest you stop all contact with her that is not an extreme emergency. You don't have to answer her calls or respond to TM/email. You've been doing it b/c in your mind, that is how you saw getting her back. Doesn't work with a WAW.
Have you gotten through a 24 hour period with no contact at all? If so, then shoot for two or three days.
Are you still living apart? If so, where are the kids?
One other thing to help you for now. Are you still snooping? I remember you said you had not been able to get through the day, so just wondering. If she really wanted to have an A, she would probably be smart enough to buy a pre-paid phone. Snooping is hurting you, not her, you. Once you ever get hint that there may be something inappropriate going on....then you can't stop yourself from looking.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi guys been away for a few days and just wanted to give an update. sandi the kids live with my ex w from previous marriage, me and current w have no kids together. As far as living situation she told me that I could come back home after we had a frank discussion about somethings she told me I crushed her, and i've ruined her self esteem. Truth be told she had low self esteem when I met her, but me thinking I could "fix" her was all I saw, as this is an area I was very healthy in lol! Well in her mind I ruined her, i'm controlling and so on and so forth, she actually made a comment that she refuses to let me dictate her anymore. Being honest i've NEVER asked her to feel that way about me but I do know that a lot of her previous R were that way and it's like it's all coming to roost with me. Now thats not to say this isn't about me because it VERY much is about me. I made A LOT of mistakes that has contributed to the degradation of this M. Well, being back home honestly I feel as tough i'm about to become the WAS.
I so happy to be home but, I do not like the woman she's become. One min she's up the next cold and calculated. Life is too short, I want it to work I do, but I refuse to fight and argue. Before I came back she gave me a list of things for whatever this is we're doing.
1. Still need space. 2. No "checking" up on her and her whereabout 3. no sleeping together.
So, yesterday she comes home and I immediately knew what the mood was like and she asked me "What is this black thing on the table?" from another room and I said "I don't know" as I wasn't in that room so she gets snippy, now i'm getting pissed because I know she just wants to pick a fight. So we decide to grab dinner out and on the way I asked her how her day was and she says "Busy" and I then asked what she was working and she says "What's up with all the questions" so I paused gathered my thoughts and said look if this is going to be the tone for the night take me back home. She then says this "I just feel like fighting" and to which I replied definitely take me home and she said "what's wrong with you?"" Um, am I the only one who sees this is madness!! So she stopped for a second a proceeded to tell me about her day. So we eat last night and dinner was cool so was the conversation. So that's where we are right now. While i'm happy to be home I just really hate that she's trying to provoke me, well at least that's how it feels. I honestly don't know how long I can deal with that, i'm trying to remain positive but its tough. And i've heard women like ALPHA males then why does it seem my w wants nothing to do with me being ALPHA anymore, but I know that was the thing that attracted her to me in the beginning. And I don't mean ALPHA by being an @$$ because I believe there is nothing more masculine than a powerful man that walks in humility. HELP, I need to some sagely advice. Because i'm losing my way on this "1" issue in my life!!
You had a great first step. You knew she wanted to pick a fight. Just because she wants to pick a fight doesn't mean you want to have a fight, right? You are more detached than before. She's happy, you're happy. She's upset, you're happy. Be you. Don't let her push your buttons and transform you into someone else. It seems like you did this for the most part, but I think realizing it in the forefront of your mind will make you less reactive and angry.
Also, what did you used to do before when your W wanted a fight? What did you do that made it worse (that you can avoid)? Or, even better, what have you done in these types of situations that worked well for your R? Remember, you are the R jiu-jitsu master. Don't just take the punches. Dodge and weave. Try something different if need be.
Thanks man, it doesn't make it easier knowing that's what she was trying to it actually made me angrier! I've def grown though, I don't respond like I used to but I think she's starting to feel the "shift" of my demeanor.
Hello all, just a little venting today. I'm finally at a point to where I really feel strong and confident in the place i'm in. I've been able to settle in to a good routine being back home and it's a much better situation for me mentally. My business is going great,GAL going excellent, she actually asked me "Why are you such a busy body? You are go go go". Here's my issue though, I waffle back and forth between do I really want this... Deep down I WANT THIS, but I don't know if I want to go through this with HER... I don't like the person she's become at all. I pray for my marriage daily and i've really taken my flawed hands off and giving it to God but i'm being challenged with the thoughts of, is this my W? And if so I can say with a resounding NO I don't want her. And the crazy part is she's starting to notice my "detachment". She's calling more during the day, calling pet names etc. But i'm distancing so fast i'm not stoping to notice if "i'm" actually making progress on the goals i've set. My response has def gooten better to her, i'm in more control and overall I really do feel GREAT!
I'm down to 8% BF and really just look and feel great. I'm just praying I can hold on because I know God has the final say, it's just in the mean time i'm starting to not like my W. Any encouragent or wisdom is very much welcomed has anyone else ever questioned your motives? I'm reading the Love Dare and one thing i'm starting to delve deeper into is unconditional love. And it's really challenged me to look in the mirror, i've been VERY selfish in 2 marriages now and i've love no doubt, but it has been very selfish at times the reason I loved and did the things I did. So i'm def looking into the mirror.
Hey guys, just an update... Not much has changed by way of R but it's def a much calmer home enviroment. Today I was going back through old text messages, boy oh boy. I F'd up big time. I didn't see it then but man. She told me everything she needed and I basically tried to bully her and tell her why she was wrong. I feel so stupid right now, because I thought I was doing everything right. I mean I was a real A hole. Anniversary was 2 days ago didn't do anything will post later the letter we exchanged.
Overall, i'm doing good but I really realized today for the 1st time how much I hurt her. It was like watching a movie of my life through the text convo... Surreal. I want to pick up the phone now and call to say I get it, or do I just keep it to myself and just do 180's on all those things. Most I have already anyway just not sure if I should bring it up at all.
Hey everyone just really need to vent, I don't come on as much because sometimes the board can be overwhelming. Here goes... I'm tired. Really tired. I live life everyday with a huge hole in my heart. It really bites to watch what my marriage has become. I pray constantly and it's like I know I said till death, better or worse, but this is tough. I don't know her anymore. And I know.. GAL, PMA, 180 and all the others, but I have a life filled with GAL, PMA has been shaky due to "this" situation, and 180's confuse me all together. I wanna just walk and not look back if I can be brutally honest.
Life is too short. The past 3 years of my life i've lost a mother,grandmother(2nd mom) and now this. I'm tired, I can be alone and not have to worry about feeling or being vunerable. Is that away to live maybe not but feeling like this I wouldn't wish on anyone. I started looking at apartments today because I don't know how much longer I can continue to live in a home without love,compassion,joy,forgiveness and hope. I could be wrong but from what I can ascertain at this point is that she is serious when she says she doesn't wanna be married. Has a lot of it been script? YES, but the problem is i'm starting to not just blindly look past the script, I matter too and if the person who I entrusted to uphold their end no longer wants to play, then it's time for me to make a decision...
Like I said just venting guys. I see so many great people on this board huting and earnestly trying to save their marriages and I commend it, but it's heartbreaking to read story after story of hurt, betrayal and abandonment...
