I'll need to start asking where he is. Do I mention my request to discuss him without L or mediation yet?
Should I assume it's certain she'll file for D?
Should I ask?
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
My stress is there really is no "supposed to" now. He's supposed to come home from school on the bus, doesn't, and it's become the "norm". I text/call him, no answers. Text/call W, very hard to get answers.
I am paralyzed. Why do we need mediation. She has obviously done what she's done without it. I assume he spent last night with her. Saw him with D yesterday, they sped off before speaking.
I woke up this morning to a dream that she was coming back. Can't remember now what was said or done to make it happen. But there was joy in the dream, and as I woke it was like realizing this hell all over again.
I can't believe a Christian counselor would let her go this far.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
I woke up this morning to a dream that she was coming back. Can't remember now what was said or done to make it happen. But there was joy in the dream, and as I woke it was like realizing this hell all over again.
I had to chuckle in a sad kinda way, as I too have had that dream and woke up and thought that exact thing you said "realizing this hell all over again" Hang in there!
Originally Posted By: Dm45
I can't believe a Christian counselor would let her go this far.
How would it be the counselors responsibility what she does or does not do?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
It's not. She likes C. Hates missing it. C was presented as pro-marriage. W has consulted L. Seems like C would coach against that. Against D.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
It's not. She likes C. Hates missing it. C was presented as pro-marriage. W has consulted L. Seems like C would coach against that. Against D.
I used to have these thoughts about my former pastor as to why he didn't try to "talk her out of it." I just wanted to continue to blame others for my sitch. I am not saying that is what you are doing, but thinking things like that only hurt you. They don't help at all. I know. I've been there and got the t-shirt.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
Wisdom from C has been my biggest hope for her to hear godly insight. She's certainly not going to get it from OM. She's not seeing her family. She's not seeing her friends. I have learned not to bring up the R, or the OM sitch.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
She's a woman with free will and can do as she likes. It's not a counselor's job, Christian or otherwise, to control the minds of their clients.
This is probably where you need to spend a lot of time, figuring out your need to control her. This has always been on your dashboard and is probably why she left and why she feels the need for mediation.
Are you working on this control thing with your IC?
DM, I know how hard this is but you really have to let her go to even think there might be an opportunity for her to return. You say you're Christian (and I'm not challenging that), what about letting go and letting God?
Didn't you read the Cloud Boundaries book? Read it again.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
She's a woman with free will and can do as she likes. It's not a counselor's job, Christian or otherwise, to control the minds of their clients.
This is probably where you need to spend a lot of time, figuring out your need to control her. This has always been on your dashboard and is probably why she left and why she feels the need for mediation.
Are you working on this control thing with your IC?
DM, I know how hard this is but you really have to let her go to even think there might be an opportunity for her to return. You say you're Christian (and I'm not challenging that), what about letting go and letting God?
Didn't you read the Cloud Boundaries book? Read it again.
I wish I had your gift of expressing via the written word. My strength is through verbal communication. You said exacting what I was thinking. Great post. I know I used to think similar. Why are her friends not trying to talk her out of it, etc? In actuality, it was just another way of pointing the finger at someone other than myself.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
I read it 3 times. If i highlighted what applies to me in blue, and her in pink, i think it would be the whole book. There is a section that talks about people who let their boundaries get walked on for years and years, then bug out and run away, like my W. It says thats normal or ok but there come a point in time to come back to reality.
I don't want to control her. I love her, miss her, and want her back. My urge to control went way up when she left, to be sure.
I was controlling... But W has a friend who always has to ask H to go out, have lunch etc. W and I talked about that being weird on several occasions. We weren't like that. My W had LOTs of friends and went out with them LOTS.
Letting go and letting God....I keep giving this problem to Him, and take it back a few hours or a day or two later. I told my pastor I don't trust God on this sometimes anymore. God is good, but He's let terrible things happen throughout history, and I don't think I can bear for this to happen. So I try to control.
C suggested I step back, give space. I started (again) doing that and a week later got the letter from L requesting mediation.
My W accuses me, correctly, of letting go of the business over the past few years as I got more discouraged. It continued to get worse. Can letting go of this marriage possibly make it better? I am afraid she will think I've given up. That I'm ok with letting it die.
I was always ok with the possibility of the business failing, or losing friendships, money...but losing my marriage and family I am not ok with. I try, really try, to say in my mind "well, then, if that's the way she feels, if she doesn't want me then screw her." and that thought just doesn't fit in my brain.
And now I feel compelled to find out where S16 spent the night last night. I can assume with her, but a responsible father should know for sure, ahead of time even. There have been a couple nights in the last week when neither of us knew where he was.
I have C today at 3pm so I think I will try to find out where he was after that, as well as where he will be tonight, by asking him first as usual then W. Then I'll ask "Can we get together and talk about this situation?"
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
