What's Going On?!? - Cautiously Contemplating

[RealityTrip]

She said on the phone "I ended it." Here is a link to my old thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2344509#Post2344509

It's been a weird day/week/month. Today my WAW and I spoke. Told each other some jokes, talked about her bum knee and I said "How are you? Are you doing ok? Did something happen?" I could hear a difference, felt it... but couldn't put my finger on it. And then she said it. "I ended it."

I asked too many questions. I was caught off guard. Like, “what happened?” She said she doesn’t want to talk about it. I pushed. Oops. I really was caught off guard. I asked “Did she hurt you?” She said “No. I ended it. “ I asked “Why?” She said “We just don’t get along.” I snapped back to reality and backed off and told her I would try to listen if she needed me to. Weird. Am I really going to try to help my cheating spouse through a break up? So surreal.

We went back to playful joking. She called me later so say that she had to come in town this weekend to fly out for a job she got and then in two weeks she has another assignment. I told her I was going to be on vacation the week in between. She asked if she could just stay at home while I was gone. I said of course this was still her home. A few hours later she called me to tell me she’s renting a car. (we only have one and since S 4 months ago she has been driving around in her brother’s car since she is staying there) So this time she is not driving his car in to town. She getting a one-way rental and will be here it looks like through the end of the month.

Did I miss something? Are we nonchalantly moving home and not discussing it? What is going on? Can we rewind the tape?
She called back to say that she knows I will be talking to our friends at some point because I am going on vacation with them. She said “You can tell them I ended it but they don’t need to know the why’s and what happened’s.” I said “No worries. I don’t even know that stuff.” She quickly said, “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” She told me she would call me and let me know when she would be arriving. She said "I love you." I responded "I love you too" and we hung up.

Ummmm…. This is not how I pictured it. Where’s the “Oh RealityTrip!, I made the biggest mistake. I am so sorry. I love you can you ever forgive me?” Is she really just coming down for the month and then going back to her brother’s? I didn’t dare ask.
Help!!!! What do I do? What is going on and why didn’t I get a head’s up? I feel like this is a very fragile moment. My instincts are failing me on how to proceed.

[in_it]

Wow, RealityTrip! I don't even know what to say. I can only imagine how I would feel or react. That's a phone call I'm sure you've been dying to receive.

Just remember, the WAS needs time to mourn & grieve. She has told you that she is not ready to talk about it, so go with it. Believe me, I know better than anyone how hard this is.

YOU CAN DO IT!

[RealityTrip]

Hi InIt! Crazy right? I do not want to be hopeful because I don't want to be let down. What if she does go back and it really is just a work/convenience thing? I have no idea. I have until this weekend to think it all over though. I think her flight is Sunday and she returns Thursday. We will be home together until I leave for vaca next Sat.

Is the fog lifting or are we in they eye of the storm about to barrel through the other side? The end is not always the end alot of times right? WAS's usually go back and forth before the "real" end don't they?

I am never going to sleep tonight!

[RealityTrip]

I was just thinking. Sometimes I'm so wrapped up in my own head planning my life, trying to GAL that I'm not noticing the little things. Like she has been calling instead of texting or she has been "liking" my posts on Facebook. (she stopped doing that because her AP didn't like it)

I'm going to pull out my DR book tonight and read. Maybe it will help me get some clarity on exactly what the heck is happening and re-focus me.

[~ kd ~]

Glad that you dropped the questions around her "break up". She may let you know, but only when she is ready.

What would get you closer to your goal? Questioning her and having her make a choice to R before she moves back in for the month, or just going with it, as though it is a long lost friend that would be there for an undetermined amount of time?

The hardest thing for you might be to keep your expectations at a minimum. It will be the best thing you can do.

While she is "visiting", make sure you have a lot of GAL scheduled and be sure that your 180s and any other improvements continue so that she can be reminded of the fool she would be if she left you.

[RealityTrip]

The hardest thing for you might be to keep your expectations at a minimum. It will be the best thing you can do.

This is exactly what I have to do! Thanks KD. Only my expectations can hurt me. I do not want to re-open the wound. MWD wrote that any outcome always takes longer than you (the BS) thinks it should. I will keep planning my GAL and I am going ot make of list of 180's that I think I should focus on while she is here.

I have not had a lot of time to practice 180's in person with her so it will be time to really make the changes I have been recognizing I want to make as a person and a spouse with her.

This situation is absolutely one where if I am not conscious about my problems with control, that I would most definitely try to orchestrate our interactions and her reactions for fear that she might hurt me.

She can't hurt me. My expectations, if unrealistic, can hurt me.

So I've got some things to keep thinking about before she arrives. GAL expecially. I'm glad I have a vacation planned 2 weeks after she arrives.

I know I shouldn't plan all activities with her but I don't want to ignore her and just keep running out of the house. Should I on occasion invite her along? Like I'm going for a walk or headed to the garden center would she like to ride along?

[RealityTrip]

JOURNAL: My head hasn't spun like this since bomb drop. Difficulty focusing on my work today. Unchartered territory makes me nervous. I'm in a self-doubt mode. Can I really apply everything I have been learning? Or are my changes doomed to be theoretical?

[needgrace]

hi RT,

i would be spinning too.. it is so very hard for me, i think it is my mind still trying to find a way to control the outcome instead of facing my feelings of fear...

StubbornDyke had her P visit a few times after BD and her thread has some great info. She created some great mantras that helped her keep perspective, STFU, become more self aware and maintain boundaries. Check it out if you haven't already.

Post a lot.. the good people here can help you think through all the doubts, questions, confusion.

and breathe...

before i was on DB, when my W would make efforts... i wish i had stayed more cognizant of how broken she was... and been more patient and still instead of getting highjacked by my own fears.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((RT)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[RealityTrip]

Breathe. Got it. Thanks NG. I will jump over and look at what "visits" for StubbornDyke looked like and possible scenarios.

We spoke. She is coming on Sat. She threw it out there that her brother told her to take his car instead of rent one. Zoink! So she IS planning on returning after the end of the month? I stayed calm and said "That's really nice of him" Then she debated herself and said she is "still not sure if she'll borrow or rent." To myself I was thinking "No expectations. Things can change hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, in a moment."

I told her I had some plans on Sat. Doing a 5K in the morning and taking the car to get tires checked for road trip and then to lunch at the beach with friends.

She asked who the "friends" were. I told her (they are new friends and she doesn't know them) She then offered to take the car to get it road trip ready for me next Thursday or Friday while I am at work and she is here so I wouldn't have to give up my Sat. at Costco when I could be with my friends. I was surprised! Very marital thing to do. I accepted and thanked her that it was really sweet and I appreciated it.

Then I ended the conversation because I had to get back to work.

JOURNAL: Breathe. No expectations. Take care of myself. Give her space when she is here. Determine my 180's that I need to focus on and maintain GAL while she is here. Listen to her. Shut up and listen to her. Do not try to control her reactions, emotions, or situations. She needs to experience her own thoughts and find her own way. I need to put myself first. As if, As if, As if. No matter what, As if.

[~ kd ~]

Or maybe... her brother was just thinking that she could take his car and then he'd visit with someone to see that she has settled in nicely and would then take his car back home.

She wants to continue on her "independence" by not needing her brother's help. Good for her. You can see that her choice to live a healthy life of independence includes her immediate family and not just you. And do understand that type of independence does not exclude a M.

It certainly was nice of her to offer to take care of getting your car checked out.

As far as planning things with her, she did ask about the friends and maybe she'd be interested in going to the beach, so you could eventually let her know that she was welcome to join or go with.

Otherwise, just plan YOUR life as (now) "normal" and put invitations out there now and then for some of the things you think she might enjoy. Just don't plan ONLY things that SHE would enjoy. Plan things FOR YOU.