Keep on, keeping on!

[labug]

AL ANON ADVICE/UNDERSTANDING PLEASE -

My head has been spinning with new understanding & evidence about h's drinking and the deteriorating effects on his relationships. I sent my version of an intervention letter about 6 weeks ago, and he has avoided me since. I've also been attending Al anon for the past couple months BUT I'm stuck on the first step and I haven't heard a similar story at any of the various meetings I've been to. But maybe someone here can relate...

I'm not sure what you mean by intervention letter. Is it "My life has been negatively affect by your drinking in these ways..."?

Similar story in what way?

[reb9597]

hi labug. You're always so good at having concise questions to my rambling.

I know I'm missing a lot of details here. After attending retrouvaille in september, I've totally backed off. The weekend was actually a wonderful experience, lots of vulnerability and sharing from him I never ever knew. But after 2 weeks he said he was too busy and needed a break from the dialoguing. Where we were having pretty regular communication, it basically stopped. And H moved to our area and dds and/or I have seen his car parked at the bar too often. His excuse was that he didn't have wifi at his apartment yet & was just using the internet. Lol. I even went in there one night late & subsequently got super drunk myself and we actually had a good time together. But then H had to bring me home and our dds were very upset. Upset with me for "encouraging dad to drink". H made promises to the girls about drinking then broke them, then he'd promise again & revise his promises, this went on for a couple weeks and we stopped talking and I started going to Alanon.

Then I sent my letter. The girls were very supportive but did not feel able to participate, but I did my best to convey how our lives were affected by his drinking. Especially on behalf of our dds, it was very painful to write and I'm sure it was worse for him to read. His response was 'I am choosing not to reply to your email. Nothing good will come of it.'

And I have effectively been cut off. I told him he couldn't drive the girls anymore when I saw his car at the bar starting at 11am for 3 days in a row. Beyond that, I don't enable, I don't have anything to do with him. So it feels very detached.

The drinking acceptance has been hard. Mostly because I have a hard time forgiving myself, it was there staring me in the face for the past 4+ years but I believed H's excuses and truly didn't realize the depth of the problem. He never parked himself at a bar all day or every night when he was home. It seems to have escalated to a frightening level.

Detachment feels hostile to me from my situation because, beyond doing everything I can do, the only way to further detach is to truly move on & shut the door on him. And I don't know if I can commit to that yet. It feels like I've done enough and I'm being hurt & punished by doing so. There's no co parenting, there's no relationship at all. So the 'detachement is neither kind nor unkind' is a hard concept to grasp because it feels pretty harsh. My actions were harsh, I struggle if it was really my place to intervene at all. It seems anti-db and I feel super guilty. The next level of detachement, for me, feels like telling him to f* off. And I can see how it'd be different in other households where the alcoholic is at home... one can set their boundaries and say that they don't condone but it's up to that person to make choices for themselves. And I can say that too, but that's kind of what I've been living for 18 months now. H definitely makes his own choices. It's really confusing to me.

That, mixed in with the 'extending frienship' and everything else I was trying to do for my marriage, makes me feel hopeless - which means I'm not detached. But I can't put the two + two together to get rid of my attached feelings, without filing for divorce, the f* you part, the true moving on.

The alanon meetings I've been to (and I've been to many different groups, I go one certain group regularly), seem to have a lot of wives in there with picture-perfect H's in long standing recovery. Like H's been sober for 15 years... or the children of alcoholics are prevelent too. I haven't found the 'my H left us 18 months ago & i'm a hot mess' examples yet. Most people seem to have their alcoholics in their lives except me. So it's hard to figure out how I fit in in that way.

[labug]

The drinking acceptance has been hard. Mostly because I have a hard time forgiving myself, it was there staring me in the face for the past 4+ years but I believed H's excuses and truly didn't realize the depth of the problem. He never parked himself at a bar all day or every night when he was home. It seems to have escalated to a frightening level.

You can't take responsibility for his choices. His choices are his choices. Realizing that is detachment. Hiding the depth of the issue is part of the whole deal. You're not alone in believing excuses, turning a blind eye. There's no shame in that.

He's making choices but you still feel responsible in some way. Let that go if you can.

You did what you needed to do and now you don't have to do anything but live your life and let him live his. This isn't for you to fix.

It seems you're equating detaching with physical space. It's more about not giving him space in your head. Not trying to control the outcome of his choices.

You don't have to D him to do that. You may want to at some point but it sounds like you're not there yet. That's OK.

And I can see how it'd be different in other households where the alcoholic is at home... one can set their boundaries and say that they don't condone but it's up to that person to make choices for themselves. And I can say that too, but that's kind of what I've been living for 18 months now. H definitely makes his own choices. It's really confusing to me.

He doesn't want to be fixed right now but it seems you desperately want to fix him.
Use this time to work on you and turn his problems over to him.

Do they have a Newcomer's Group in your area?

[reb9597]

Hi labug,

D18 said last weekend that H is starting antidepressants. That was a shocker. He told her 'I'm sure it's no surprise that I've not been doing well, I'm trying to take control of my life' says he hasn't been drinking this month and now the AD... but still no communication with me. My new favorite reminder is QTIP - quit taking it personally! I repeat that to myself probably 20 times a day.

I don't know if there is a newcomer's alanon group but I've found one that I like the best and have been regular there. It's not a fun process! I really don't enjoy the alanon meetings, brings up a lot of bad feelings that make me angry. The anger makes me scared because it feels too familiar, as in my life before bd. My emotional baseline from that time was anger and I've come to really enjoy my life and I feel like a happier, truer version of myself since then. My IC had a good suggestion that I use the meetings and hard feelings they stir up as a laboratory to test my changes and continue to practice controlling my reactions, making it easier to do so in my real life.

But I failed yesterday in my changes and am hoping for some advice.

We had a storm a few weeks ago and part of my fence blew down. H saw a week or so after the storm and offered to fix it, then without any prompting from me he made the repairs for the past two days. H & I haven't communicated at all for about a month, he only goes through our dds. I've seen him a couple times in the past month and I'm nice & normal in person, but there's no texting or friendship outside.

So my fence is fixed and it looks great, I left a message for H last night saying how great he did & how grateful I am. A little later he texted me 'you look so cute with those dimples'... I don't have dimples... My feelings of anger and hurt swell, but I didn't answer with swear words, didn't storm around the house, didn't tell d16, it was a marked difference to a year ago. I just replied 'dimples?'. He says 'sorry, not for you'. Hurt hurt hurt... and here's where I react - I don't reply to the text message but go and unfriend him on facebook (where we were still 'married').

Then about 20 min later H texts me 'I don't expect you to believe me, but i'll tell you anyways. My friends xx & xx have a football love/hate thing going & I was texting them both. Basically egging them on. This picture is what I was talking about, referring to him. Anyway...' then he sends a pic of a woman & man with huge smiles. Dimples? maybe, can't tell.

Did I do okay with my reply? I said 'Thanks. I realize you don't really owe me an explanation but it makes me feel a lot better'. No further reply from H.

But... I already unfriended him on fb. So now that looks like exactly what it is, an angry reaction.

Should I:
1) pre-empt any hurt feelings on his side and tell him today 'H, I just wanted you to know that I unfriended you on fb and please don't take it personally, I was having a hard time managing my reactions and thinking about your life outside our family. It's best for me not to be exposed to that'.
2) ignore it, if he has any questions he can ask me
3) friend request him back & say 'ooops, mistake'.

The new me prefers the #1 honest approach. But I have a history of amplifying issues, so maybe doing nothing is a better route. Especially in light of our lack of communication. I don't want the only communication he gets from me in the past few months to be negative. Opinions please?

I continue to learn and see where there are still things I need to work on. It's the two steps forward, one step back shuffle. And the alanon rules don't exactly coincide with the db rules, it's a merging of the two I need help on I think.

[labug]

It's interesting, I was thinking about you yesterday in the morning and then, here you are.

It seems your H is making some positive moves. That's good. Have no expectations.

About the responses,

I choose 2, if he asks, you can explain.

1 is a good response if he asks but I would caution about doing it to pre-empt hurt feelings on his part. That's trying to fix. (I've been battling that demon myself this week)If you choose 1, do it because you recognize your mistake and need to make amends, not to try and manage someone else's feelings.

I did choose the 1 route a few times during our S because I had acted in a way that was not the person I want to be. I can remember one time I wrote, "I want to apologize for what I said yesterday because that's not who I want to be. I allowed my emotions to be in control and I took it out on you."

Interesting that I remember that so clearly.

If you feel strongly that an apology is needed to keep your side of the street clean, do it.

AlAnon also brought lots of feelings up in me, stuff I needed to look at and work on but didn't want to. I also tried to quit counseling a few times, when I got really scared to face certain things. There's a great quote that I keep in mind for times like those, Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.

And that other old saw, Feel the fear and do it anyway!

[reb9597]

Thanks for the no expectations reminder. I don't think I've had expectations about our relationship, that feels futile. But I was developing some expectations of his progress or wondering, now that he's on AD, maybe he'll be more involved with dds. That's still an expectation.

The good thing about'H is making some positive moves' is that I am really able to remove that sign of positive movement from our relationship. Couldn't have done that a year ago! But whether he is taking positive actions or not, it has little to do with me. I've been overwhelmed with my own issues to work on lately!

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that struggled with alanon at first. I like the quote about fear, it sure is the truth! Much easier to hide from uncomfortable feelings, but I'm pretty determined in most things and I like that about myself now. So I'll keep going and facing my feelings.

I finally found a definition of detachement that I can live with & wanted to share in case anyone struggles with the same thing. This isn't new info I'm sure for most, but I really spent the last couple of months beating myself up over feeling that detachement was too harsh! I finally can accept that detachement is doing whatever I want to do without expecting anything in return. So I can be kind and loving even, but it comes from a place of me being who I want to be, not to try to get kindness and love in return. Giving without any emotional strings attached.

This has really helped me. Because I thought, in order to be truly detached, I had to cut him out of my life and have no feelings there. Which made it difficult to know how to interact during the times I did see H. I felt cold and unfeeling, and that was in direct opposition to the person I've become over the past year. But when I was normal and kind, then I felt I wasn't detached!

It feels good to have that figured out in my head. I'm a sloooowwww learner!

[labug]

We learn at the pace we learn and sometimes you have to hear things in just a certain way or at a certain time.

So I can be kind and loving even, but it comes from a place of me being who I want to be, not to try to get kindness and love in return. Giving without any emotional strings attached.

This is great and it is a difficult concept to grasp. It goes against what many of us have learned throughout our lives.

I'm happy you found a meeting that works for you. I know I went to a couple that just weren't what I needed.