Hi Crimson, Great to hear! I admire your patience and consistency. Can I ask you to document what helps you make progress in this next stage? It seems to me that you are moving past where DB techniques are obviously applicable. I am curious what works as you attempt to forge a new R that has such a history. I realize this is a selfish request. Maybe it will help you too?
I'll try to offer one bit of advice, but you know I am well behind you, so take it with a grain of salt. You mention working on controlling negative aspects of your past R in your previous post (anger, etc. ). Are you looking for ways you can inject new positive experiences into your interaction? One blog I like to read (Marry, Divorce, Reconcile) is notable in the returning spouse talking about how brave the LBS spouse is to allow her back in. Your roles are reversed, but if you are enjoying things she is doing now she didn't do earlier, are you making sure to celebrate them and really enjoy them?
Good luck! I enjoy seeing your progress!
Dude, I WISH I could tell you how to make progress in this stage. I am truly in green territory here. I keep falling back on DB to a larger extent, inasmuch that I am doing my fair share of listening and not reacting in negative ways. I am also in a state of reminding myself that this is the mark of a lot of progress and where I wanted to be....so don't look past it.
However, in terms of knowing what exactly to do - I am at a loss. We have had some very positive talks about things in our past and she has been listening more and reacting less as well. I don't know....I think all things considered taking THAT path (discussion, honesty, etc.) is the best thing for us right now.
We are locked in a grey space between joint and separate lives. Having the divorce decree guide certain aspects of our lives and making joint decisions on others. That is kinda difficult, as you literally have a foot in both worlds....but I trust that once we reach terra firma we will be doing things 100% on our terms.
She informed her landlord that she will be vacating 5/31. Presumably, she will be coming back here. Naturally, that causes some anxiety with her as we are at the foot of the mountain (but doing well).
The one notable thing is that our S seems to be doing much, much better in this environment - from his overall affect to his acceptance of potty training - he is just...."better".
If there is anything that I need help with it is communicating without fear. It's odd - I know I can make it on my own now, I did it. I just still have the fear of being hurt like that again. Guess that's why it's called "trust".
Crimson, I will be the first to congratulate you on this positive side of your M. The rest of us can only hope to get to this point.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I am very very happy for you and your family too Crimson! Fantastic news!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I echo everyone else's sentiments and congratulations. I love having you here in Newcomers, but don't forget to visit the piecing threads as well. Lot's of really good advice there and really nice and bright people going through what you are.
You will find lots of support and help as you enter this new phase where you will be needing to use a different approach to what you have been doing up until now.
Regardless, I will keep following your journey wherever you post!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
