New to this ...

[steveh27]

Bomb dropped a couple weeks ago - 4/8. My Wife asked that we should think about trying a separation. I have issues with controlling (the basic always needing to know everything) based on fear and anxiety that I really didn't understand why until recently. I always thought I was smart enough to figure it out and always said I would stop, even said I would get help but again always thought I could fix it myself.

Now I am spinning trying to figure out next steps and just barely breathing through this. Wife basically turned off all emotion after this day and put up the walls that seems nothing can pass through. I did start seeing a therapist about my personal issues and also decided to talk with a LMRT as well to figure out things and hopefully can convince the W to do as well. She said she has not moved forward at all legally, but I also know there is no change in her behavior. I did the standard pleading and begging for another chance. What is unfortunate is an event like this is something that can set you straight, but sometimes it just seems too late. I don't know if this salvageable. I've asked for some time, and I got kind of a "I'm not doing anything right now". Which I believe could be for my benefit to let me settle into it a bit, I don't know. My confidence is low, my general demeanor is defeated and she sees it. I am reading the DR but only a couple chapters in, but I understand the DB'ing rules and GAL. Right now, money and time are tight. Running the kids to their events. Having a hard time with sandi's rules of detaching ... I know somehow I have to just to give the air of confidence even though it's hard. There is no OM, she has a couple of close friends for support, and I have support from my family since they know.

It's hard for me to gauge her intentions right now. We sleep in the same bed, as we haven't said anything to the kids yet, but its like sleeping with a stranger. It's excruciating having to still handle everyday life, like work and kids and their events without going insane or having a constant pit in your stomach. I am trying to do as much work around the house to keep me busy, it is being seen as trying to hard as she said, but it keeps me busy, and I feel like I'm trying to lift a burden at the same time. I am trying to hard ... I know. Anyway - this was a vent for me that lately sometimes helps as I've tried to journal through this also. Nice to read everyone's personal trials also - it helps.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

[sandi2]

Welcome to the DB board. If you post often, it will get you through moderation quicker, and you'll get more responses.

You have approached a crossroad in your life. If you want your future to be better, then you have to make a turn. Don't long for what you & W had in the past. Determine that you will not try to make a u-turn in this road, b/c I promise you, it only leads to a dead-end. You can't go back to the way you've always been. She's had it with you. If you get a new W and continue the same behavior, she'll want out too.

So, it sounds like it is up to you. Not her, but you. So if it's up to you.....what will you have your focus on? If you have it on your W and what she may or may not do.....you will not advance forward in your journey.

Men's thought patterns are so different from women. When a man gets the bomb, it finally wakes him up and he's ready to do whatever it takes.....as long as she will let him know that she won't leave him. He wants to be assured before he does the necessary work. He is so afraid of her leaving him that he begins acting much like a puppy crying and begging. His attention is all on her and what she is doing. He may attempt to correct the things she complained about, but he does it with only one thing in mind.....it's to get her back.

I hate to tell you, but there have been a few men who thought they had made it over the mountain, only to find themselves back here again. Most of those men will admit that once the W's had R with them, they (men) fell right back into their old familiar behavior. They got the girl, right? That's what men focus on....getting the girl. That is the end....only in movies. In real life, it's the beginning. Same thing applies when a couple reconciles.

You already know.....and have known for a long time, you need to change. Like a lot of guys, you thought you could do it yourself. Sometimes, a little pride gets in the way if seeking out help with a personal issue. But now the time is crucial and you may never get another chance to make a difference in this MR. I hope you don't wait around.....still thinking about what you need to do.

One of the first things the LBS has to learn is that they can't control their S. You've got to let go. You've got to step back and let her breathe. Let go of that emotional rope you have tied around her.

Before I keep adding to this post, I hope to hear back from you.

P.S. Don't even consider marriage counseling. You need a therapist just for you. Don't try to get her to go with you, b/c you may hear an announcement you don't want.

[Breakdown]

I'm sorry you are here, but it's a good place to be given your sitch.

First off...just breath. This is going to be a marathon...it's going to take a lot of work, and it's not going to be easy. You'll backslide, you'll make mistakes, and you'll feel awful along the way....but keep going.

I have issues with controlling (the basic always needing to know everything) based on fear and anxiety that I really didn't understand why until recently. I always thought I was smart enough to figure it out and always said I would stop, even said I would get help but again always thought I could fix it myself.

Welcome to the club! What did you discover recently? How has that changed you? How are you changing your behavior? Your thoughts?

Now I am spinning trying to figure out next steps and just barely breathing through this.

Plenty of time...go slow. Move deliberately instead of reacting. GAL...work out...you can't spend all your focus on this. You have to give your mind a break.

....and hopefully can convince the W to do as well.

Didn't you mention controlling above? You might want to look at that statement again.

It's hard for me to gauge her intentions right now. We sleep in the same bed, as we haven't said anything to the kids yet, but its like sleeping with a stranger.

Trying to figure her out is a waste of time. All you can control is you....so focus on that, make yourself a better person. She will notice eventually....and a while after that she'll start to believe they're real.

So you mentioned controlling and I asked some questions above regarding that. What else do you want to work on? What are your wife's complaints in the M? What did you not like about your role in the M?

[steveh27]

Thanks everyone for the inspiring and real insight. It is a journey, it is going to take a lot of work.

Cadet:
Thank you for the information - it will be used as wisely as I'm capable right now. Your right, time is a GIFT which I've taken for granted over the years.

Breakdown:
Well the controlling ... took me along time to figure out, was fine for the first 5 years of our marriage, but it got progressively worse. Questioning plans, making comments about doing stuff with friends ... calling at times while she was out to ask a question when I probably could have handled it. The therapist drew the conclusion that it is abandonment issues going to back to growing up. Typical dysfunctional family ... divorce when I was 13-14, father was absent for 15 years after that ... found out later on that mother was keeping communication from me - not an excuse for him, but also major problem on mom side also. Long story short, Mom would have long term silent treatment / fights with myself and other siblings on an ongoing basis including the W for our entire lives until she passed last year. In general, just turmoil. Not making excuses, the things that have caused these problems are no longer here, no one to blame but myself. So I need to take the reigns and make myself better again, not only myself but for my kids to end the cycle. I know what it takes to have a good relationship, but the fear and anxiety that drove me to the make the wrong choices sabotaged and created the very reality I was trying to control.

As far as changing my behavior so far all I can do is stop asking questions, and just be genuinely happy for her. We had an anniversary this past weekend, and due to financial issues right now (I run a business that is successful and gives our family a good life but is having a hard time collecting on outstanding invoices that are piling up) so all I could give was her favorite flowers and a nice card. I wrote a 3 page letter, but declined to give that as I'm trying to not overdo anything at this point. She said thank you and sorry and we had an ok weekend doing things for the kids. Monday rolled around and BAM the walls came up. She is detaching for her own reasons to try and protect herself I would imagine also, but yes I can't dwell on the "why's" right now. Everyday, every hour could be different and just as confusing and I can't over analyze ... but it's a learning process.

She has a good girlfriend that is supporting her. When the payments start coming in I would like to treat them to something that allows my wife to get away without me. Without me questioning, asking questions or judging her. She needs it first of all, just from a space issue. I need it for my own well being as well, but also to start my 180.

sandi2:
You couldn't be any more clear and unfortunately right.

He wants to be assured before he does the necessary work. He is so afraid of her leaving him that he begins acting much like a puppy crying and begging.

This is me to a T right now.

Yes - I did try the "let's go talk to our priest, lets talk to a MC". I've backed off, one because she said only would go for the sake of knowing how to deal with the kids during this, and two she seemed forced <-- don't want this. So I am doing this for me. Had only one meeting so far, so obv too early to gauge, but it helped to talk through the issues.

But now the time is crucial and you may never get another chance to make a difference in this MR. I hope you don't wait around.....still thinking about what you need to do.

I believe I am doing this - unless I'm missing your point. Therapy is my focus right now besides obv my family's current needs. I am "reacting" to this, your right. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is correct, I can only assume getting myself right will help allow this to heal.

btw - I need post smaller

[Breakdown]

As far as changing my behavior so far all I can do is stop asking questions, and just be genuinely happy for her.

I don't agree. Changing the behavior is part of it for sure, but unless you change the way you think, you will eventually slide back to your old behaviors.

So dig into that....how do you change this dynamic?

[hotwheelsaust]

Cannot really add much to what has been said above. Welcome steveh27. The change has to be for you, not for your other half. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

[Fartiltre]

Hi S27

I am sorry to meet you here and hope you make the best of your situation

The reason I am writing is that my sit is much like yours! Me and W are on friendly terms, share house and bed and so on! I got the B in start of march and perhaps you can benefit from my thread!

Sandi2 is as always right and I will state that her rules applied correctly does work! Read the book and Sandi2s rules and do it now! Then read in here. Theres a lot of knowledge about mistakes and successes that you can learn from!

I also changed things at home and started doing a lot more. I like it and she likes it, but it is very important that you do the things for you and not for her! She will see right through you so be honest with yourself!
Look into the 180s and choose carefully regarding two issues:
1. They have to be honest! Choose areas that you honestly would like to do better or different for yourself
2. If you can pick areas that she has been complaining about it will help.

And remember the keyword: Patience!

[steveh27]

Thank you for the feedback ... the focusing on the me part seems so unclear to me right now. I guess I'm still trying to gather as much information as possible, but I still oddly cannot find the me to focus on, as my brain still seems to be in damage control. It's frustrating because all I can do is focus on the family (ie. kids) and take it day by day.

It seemed last week the communication started getting better, maybe because we were just "settling in" to the arrangement, but then I golfed in a benefit on Fri and came home to more short talk. It down slid into Sat where I couldn't take much more and had to say something. We didn't yell but emotions got high and I asked about her moving forward with an attorney. She said not yet but she needed to talk with someone. Very vague to me at the time. She has an older sister that is like a mom to her now so I think she shares info with her for support. The talk got deep about what this will do to the family etc. etc. - she said again she needed to get out and talk with someone and left. She was gone for 4 hours or so and the kids had friends over but I couldn't move from the couch, just paralyzed ... and I just watched shows on Disney TV with my 9 yo. the whole time. W came home a little better and she asked to go to bed .. so I took care of things and just let it be. The short talked stopped though. We talked quickly yesterday and I asked if she was able to figure things out. She said she talked with her sister and she is going to see a counselor but not promising this is a fix for anything. I told her I would give her a name she could use that would help with choosing a counselor ... she was open to the suggestion and even asked this morning not to forget to give her the number. More open dialog this morning but I know its going to ebb and flow.

Breakdown: Like I mentioned - I'm still trying figure this out. I'm hoping the way I "think" will change through counselling/therapy else I would've been able to do it years ago.
As this is my biggest challenge this will be a work in progress, all I can do now is cold stop the behavior and get help with changing my thoughts.

hotwheelsaust: thank you for responding - like I said the me part is hard right now.

Fartiltre:
Nice to meet you ... I'm so sorry your in this situation also. I did read Sandi2s rules and in the middle of the book now. When you talk of 180s - is there some list or how to implement them someplace or in the book, people refer to these almost as such, so i was wondering. I am doing them honestly, but I always feel its not being seen as such. Our main issue is my asking questions and controlling behavior over what she's doing. I have done my best and only ask her how her day was and dont ask who's calling or what time she's going to be home if she goes out, which she really doesn't "go out" anyway. Other minor 180's are just general help around the house and spending time with the kids with their stuff. The dishes, laundry etc. I would help in the past very sparingly, now I try to do my share even if she says I don't have to. It's about consistency right now as I want to be the person I know is inside of me but struggled with other things that sidetracked me from him coming out. My wife has always said Im a good husband and father but I need to get a hold of my demons with the unnecessary fear and anxiety which causes my controlling. Trust me I hate it and finally getting help with it now.

[steveh27]

Went to therapist today, she is a LMFT also but is helping with my fear, anxiety, controlling issues since she is experienced in it. Not sure how it went honestly, but I was able to release some stress and emotions. W knew I was going but seemed somewhat indifferent about it, which I expected. Therapist asked if W would be interested, I said I'm afraid to broach the subject as the W already mentioned she would see one of her own. I understand the coordinated effort and possible moderation benefit to doing this, so I asked the W. She didnt take it well at first, but listened a bit about seemed to say, we'll see. I dont care either way whether she wants to use hers or mine right now, but I would eventually like someone objectionable to listen to both of us separately and eventually together, which the W also said she was open to ... with her caveat again that this may not work out how I want and I want you to be prepared. What [censored] about this is the "hope" is what is carrying me right now - I can't get to the stage of GAL it seems counterproductive to my situation. Good talk with the W today on this and the R. It started off emotional and she had heart palpitations and had to hang up which scares the hell out of me. But she called back and we had a better conversation about this and the kids. One day at a time it seems, but it doesnt get easier. Still reading DR and trying my best to DB but today was hard and I slipped.