How do I proceed? Just back from Retrouvaille.

[MrBond]

Has he ever gone to C on his own? No one should be responsible for another person's happiness. Happiness is a choice. You aren't responsible for making him happy any more than he is supposed to make you happy.

[nan809]

He has been, and is, in counseling. He says he knows he has to make his own happiness and that his therapist is helping him find his way. I believe he did not go into her saying, "i want to save my marriage" though. He believe he told her that he is in a lot of pain and that he lost his feelings for me. I don't know if she encouraged the separation, but I think she is encouraging to find what makes him happy.

At Retrouvaille, he asked me if I thought love is a choice (as that was one of the main themes) and I told him why I think it is. I don't believe he believes that.

He won't tell me the details of his sessions nor have I pushed him. I have a therapist, too, and we generally just share the broad strokes, if one of us asks.

Me 47/H 47
M 19/T 21
S 11
S 11
BD #1: April 2012
H Moved out 11/2012 for 2 months
BD #2: H "can't do this anymore, wants divorce" 4/10/2013
Retrouvaille 4/19/2013

[nan809]

He also admits that he probably would be able to get on board with all of this and wouldn't feel as bad about himself if he hadn't been pushed aside by his parents. They went through a horrible divorce and he and his sisters were basically ignored as teenagers. He didn't have a place to come home to during college breaks. He has always been a bit of a loner and has carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

He felt abandoned by his parents and feels that I did the same thing to him. I wasn't there for him emotionally. I was there in a way that I guess had meaning for me--doing things for him, taking care of the family, little gifts that told him I was thinking of him, supporting his interests, etc (5 love languages--I am acts of service, he needs the physical.) He did not care about any of that and feels that I ignored his emotional needs.

In therapy I have worked hard to understand why I did this and have been showing him throughout the past year that I get it and how important it is to me. He says he sees the progress and thanks me but that "it's still not enough."

Me 47/H 47
M 19/T 21
S 11
S 11
BD #1: April 2012
H Moved out 11/2012 for 2 months
BD #2: H "can't do this anymore, wants divorce" 4/10/2013
Retrouvaille 4/19/2013

[nan809]

ALso, another question: we are going back to our MC to deal with the particulars of the separation, etc. I feel that that would be my opportunity to express my true feelings about all of this or do I continue to DB in there? I feel that I would not be being truthful to myself and standing up for the kids if I don't share my feelings. (as of now I am trying not to make him feel guilty about leaving, just going on with life, etc.)

thank you!!
Me 47/H 47
M 19/T 21
S 11
S 11
BD #1: April 2012
H Moved out 11/2012 for 2 months
BD #2: H "can't do this anymore, wants divorce" 4/10/2013
Retrouvaille 4/19/2013

[MrBond]

"He did not care about any of that and feels that I ignored his emotional needs."

In what way? It sounds like you did great BUT it is up to him to tell you how he needs to be loved. You can't mindread him.

[nan809]

You're right. He did not communicate his needs to me. Not until we started therapy of this year.

[MrBond]

Unfortunately it is all his issues. If he doesn't get help to figure himself out, he will continue to blame others.

[nan809]

Exactly what my therapist said this morning!

Me 47/H 47
M 19/T 21
S 11
S 11
BD #1: April 2012
H Moved out 11/2012 for 2 months
BD #2: H "can't do this anymore, wants divorce" 4/10/2013
Retrouvaille 4/19/2013

[nan809]

Another thing I'm not sure how to handle:
We are going back to our MC to deal with the particulars of the separation, etc. I feel that that would be my opportunity to express my true feelings about all of this or do I continue to DB in there? I feel that I would not be being truthful to myself and standing up for the kids if I don't share my feelings. (as of now I am trying not to make him feel guilty about leaving, just going on with life, etc.)

thank you!!
Me 47/H 47
M 19/T 21
S 11
S 11
BD #1: April 2012
H Moved out 11/2012 for 2 months
BD #2: H "can't do this anymore, wants divorce" 4/10/2013
Retrouvaille 4/19/2013

[BFloat]

While you are doing RV and the follow ups.. If i remember correctly.. Those types of "talks" (is say this because in my experience it usually ends up as an emotionally charged discussion with tears to punctuate how strongly you feel).. May be better suited as potential dialogue topics? Then it is in a better controlled environment and also has a time limit.

I know it's hard.. Because i am guilty of wanting to say something too. These days I try to ask myself.. What is the outcome i am looking for?

I think like you.. It's been a very difficult ride because I was also the type of spouse who really tried to support H. I wanted him to be happy.. Tried to pick my battles and let go of the little things.. When my H left, he couldn't tell me what the problem was except that he didn't want to be married.. Needed to find his own happiness.. To be authentic to himself basically. Sound familiar?

If your H is willing to continue with the follow up sessions.. It's a good thing. He may not believe that love is a choice today.. That he just doesn't believe things will get better.. So be it. But maybe tomorrow he'll feel differently. And maybe it just means that going through the process doesn't lead to R but that he at least had moments where he had to listen to your heart.

(((( ))))