Thank you, MrBond. I printed out the papers and was planning on filling them out tonight and giving them to her tomorrow. That would be hasty. If I think I can get them done in one evening, then that doesn't need to be this evening. Hey look, I found the pause button! It's right here next to the fast-forward button.
I never went through the begging and pleading stages. I don't know if that is good or bad as far as DBing goes, since DB assumes that all happened. But for me, I think that it was good in some ways, obviously, but not completely. Anyways, I've been just detaching like crazy over the past year. She left me and took the kids just over a year ago. I moved to be with the kids in September, but even since then I've just not had much contact with her. Part of this was that I was scared. Well, mostly that I was scared, but scared of a lot of different things. Scared of rejection, so I built a pretty big wall. Scared of making mistakes, so this was my DB tactic. That way, I subconsciously reasoned, I can blame it all on her. It was the easy way (out). But a 180 I'm working on is to not put up walls. I've started to communicate with her. This is not DB stuff. It's probably pretty destructive to hopes of R since a lot of what I'm communicating is pent up anger, whether intended or not. I could say, "probably too late for any hope anyway", or, "no hope w/OM in her heart anyway". In a way I'm sacrificing her for my own hope at recovering from this. In a way, she's just getting hit with the shrapnel as I explode since I've bottled so much up for so long. In a way, I'm trying to reach out to her in love, since not much love has come from me her way in this past year. I have said from the beginning that there was zero hope for us as long as OM was in the picture. I sorta blasted into her in an email today about what a sham our MC sessions were as far as "working on R" goes. Anyways. I still have a phone session that I purchased and haven't used. I was saving it in case there was ever any glimmer of hope. Might use it just to seek advice on how to keep living, I guess. And I'll stick around here. But really, I just don't have much hope. I sorta had some hope bottled up with all the other stuff, but now that I'm opening myself I think I'm finding that hope has died. As I said in the email to her, any hope I had that we could work on us has died to the reality that she won't work on us. I have such a long way to go, working on me. I look a lot worse when I spew all over her and in this forum. My apologies. I think that was another reason I held a lot of things in. But getting it out is necessary for me to work on me. Let the sun shine in on all this mess. I'm rambling now.
"I never went through the begging and pleading stages."
So you never apologized for the things that you did wrong in the M?
"I don't know if that is good or bad as far as DBing goes, since DB assumes that all happened."
Actually it happens to everyone, so I'm not sure why you didn't go through this. In a way, part of it is validation for the WAS to know that they were heard.
"Part of this was that I was scared. Well, mostly that I was scared, but scared of a lot of different things. Scared of rejection, so I built a pretty big wall. Scared of making mistakes, so this was my DB tactic. That way, I subconsciously reasoned, I can blame it all on her."
That's not a DB tactic. That's just you using your fear as an excuse. You never dealt with this situation in a healthy manner and that's why you're so filled with resentment and why your W has had a hard time looking back at you.
"I have said from the beginning that there was zero hope for us as long as OM was in the picture. I sorta blasted into her in an email today about what a sham our MC sessions were as far as "working on R" goes."
Not good.
"And I'll stick around here. But really, I just don't have much hope. I sorta had some hope bottled up with all the other stuff, but now that I'm opening myself I think I'm finding that hope has died."
You might have had hope, but you didn't do anything with it. You were still waiting for HER to change, for HER to admit she was wrong, etc. Look at all the success stories. A common thread is that they worked on themselves first irregardless of what the spouse did.
"As I said in the email to her, any hope I had that we could work on us has died to the reality that she won't work on us."
No, the reality is that you haven't worked on yourself (meaning your fear, resentment, loathing, etc.) That's what killed the hope. I do hope you find peace can get to a healthy place with help.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond, you always inspire in me a great urge towards defensiveness. But of course, that's silly, since I want to get better and your replies are always in the spirit of helpfulness. Yes, I've apologized a lot. But my actions have not changed a lot. I say often to myself and everyone that I'm trying to change. "I'm doing my best." But I think that if I am brutally honest with myself, it's all hogwash. I'm holding onto my victimhood like it's a life-preserver. I believe that her affair is ruining my life. But until I stop believing that, it will be true. And I will have something to blame, yippee!, but I will have a ruined life.
She was over picking up the kids today. Our older son didn't want to go and she said "yeah, he wouldn't even want to go if we were going to [theme park]". I responded that he wouldn't argue about that, and we had gone to the theme park over the weekend and he had fun. She stormed off, saying I'm just like him, and I called after her "sorry for the arguing." (It sounds whinier written than it felt yesterday, but I don't know). So a 180 in this instance is I'm trying not to be contradictory. It is a big problem with our son, and he gets it from me. But she is very touchy. I want to work on my faults, but not with her. I know she has this belief that if she hadn't left then I wouldn't ever change, and who knows if I will even now. Well, I am my only concern. She didn't just leave to protect herself, she is tearing apart my life and our kids family. It's not to get back at me, it's just selfishly to run away from her problems and pain. She did it in our marriage as well. She always smiled and it was a mask. She put her heart away. Well, I have resentment towards her for never sharing with me or opening to me or giving me a chance. I have a swelling rage that she would have a blatant affair and refuse to keep him out of my kids lives while she is married to me. But I have some compassion for her somewhere deep down. I know that I've hurt her and that I have been excusing my issues for a long time. I'm totally done. I need to love myself enough to cut her out of my life. I cannot help her. And I cannot get better, for me and my kids, with her in my life. I mean, she'll always be in my life, as the mother of my children, but let's get on with it. I think I'll go ahead and fill out the D papers because I think that will be best for me.
