Thanks for the additional advice. Both of these approaches are certainly different than what I have tried in the past. I have been hesitent to try some of these in the past because I didn't want to be seen as pursuing my wife.
Since you've been in your sitch this long, I'm guessing you've probably read 5LL? If so, how long ago? One of the things talked about in 5LL is how both spouses will often do nothing even though their love tanks are empty because they are waiting for the other to fill it. On and on they go in limbo, each waiting for the other to do something. So the premise in 5LL is to quit waiting and be the initiator.
The same could be said for DB'ing, DB'ing is not about performing particular actions, it's about doing things, evaluating whether they worked or didn't work, and to keep doing what works and discontinue what doesn't work. DB'ing is not static, it's quite dynamic.
So if you've been stuck this long, it's probably time for something else. I was going to suggest trying to push some of the love languages, but I saw your followup in which you said you asked W to leave, so you should probably table LL efforts until you see where this goes.
I don't want to leave the impression that I have not done anything over the past 3.5 years. I have re-read DBing at least 6 times and have tried all of the various strategies and approaches. My wife has even gone as far as to acknowledge my changes and improvements but for whatever reason cannot recommit to the marriage. In fact she will go out of way to make sure that I am not in a position to do anything nice for her.
I have read the 5LL and found that it was difficult to make any deposits because of the wall that my wife has built up around herself. She continues to be secretive and not up-front. She also continues to speak negatively about me to her friends and makes everyone think that I am still the bad guy. After I suggested that she find another place to live she told her friends that I must have a girlfriend, otherwise why would I ask her to leave! She conviently leaves out the part about her affair with the OM she continues to work with and that fact that she has done nothing in the past 3.5 years to make want to continue this any further.
Will keep posting as to what happens going forward.
I had an interesting Father's Day. My wife took the time to buy me some nice gifts and cards from our 3 kids. She also cooked dinner for the family that night. One thing that was interesting was that she did not wish me a happy Father's Day, not that I was expecting her to. I thanked her for the gifts and indicated that I appreciated the thought and time that she put into the day. She did not respond to those comments either.
In contrast, Mother's Day was similar but different in a number of ways. I wished her a Happy Mother's Day and I also purchased some gifts that the kids could give to her. She never acknowledged the gifts or said thank you etc, and although I was not expecting her to, you would think that she could at least be polite etc. I have long since given up trying to interpret her actions as I have no way of knowing what is really going on in her head.
It is almost 8 weeks since I suggested that she find another place to live and there has been no response or action from her end. I truly believe that she is content with the current arrangement. She doesn't want to upset the kids and although not happy herself, she does get to see the OM at work and at least continue thinking and discussing how wonderful life would be if the two of them could be together.
She claims that she no long interacts with him, but I can't see how that is possible given that they work in the same department. As long as they continue to work together, he will be an on-going distraction. I have never pushed for her to find another job, but it is something that does continue to bother me somewhat because she has made no effort to find work some where else.
Her sister and family are coming to visit us in a couple of weeks and I am not looking forward to another round of pretending to my in-laws that we are a happy family and everything is going great!
Anyway, it is becoming clearer that I will need to take the lead if I am going to move out of Limbo Land. Not a bad thing, as it will at least put me in control of my own future.
I had a lengthy discussion with my wife after work the other day about her career. She wants to take an MBA program in order to obtain a degree. She indicated that this is a good time for her to take this based on where she is at in her life. I have no idea what this means!! Taking an MBA Program while working full-time is huge time comittment, not sure how she thinks that she can do this once we are seperated.
She also keeps telling our daughter that she wants to buy and new SUV and get rid of her van. She has even picked out the make and color. Not sure where her head is at re buying a new vehicle while going through a divorce.
As I have said previously, I think her plan is to co-habitate untill she is finally ready to leave.
It has been over a year since I was last on the site. For what its worth I thought I would post the final chapter of my story. So many times people just drop off the site as I did for the past year without providing closure to their story.
After almost 5 years my wife has finally moved out into her own home this week. Its not the final outcome that I wanted but in the end its probably the best outcome. I tried everything possible to give my wife every opportunity to try and work things out but she had already emotionally left the marriage.
A brief recap of my situation was I noticed about 5 years ago that my wife was becoming more and more distant. We had drifted apart with time spent on careers and having 3 kids. We were also very different from a money perspective, she was a spender and I was a saver. However we were similar in that we were never comfortable sharing our concerns about the marriage with each other.
I finally confronted her about the situation and she confirmed that she no longer had feelings for me. I was devasted and celt like I had hit rock bottom. I knew we had some issues but I never thought that she had checked out to the extent that she had. I asked if there was another man and she said no, she would never do that to me. I immediately went on-line and came across this website for help. I bought the books and worked my way through a self improvement journey that has made me a better person overall.
Although my wife said their was no one else, I had my suspicions like most on this site. A year after the initial bomb was dropped I found evidence of an affair and confronted my wife. She acknowledged the affair with a co-worker. At the point I said she had a choice to make, either drop the affair or move out. She elected to stay in the family home but continued to be "friends" with the co-worker and continued their relationship for work encounters and nightly texting which she thought I was unaware of.
Finally earlier this year I had enough of the "friend" and Said to her that I am not telling you what to do, but the fact that you continue to secretely hang out with this guy and thing I am too naïve to know what is going is very disrectful. She retreated into her bedroom for 3 months, leaving only to go to work and eat. She finally emerged and said that she wanted to move out but didn't know how. I drew up a separation offer which she said was more than fair and I gave her the down payment to buy a house.
She moved in on Monday and is settling in. We are on good terms and are making sure that everything is done for the benefit of the kids. I am also looking forward to starting a new part of my life and hope to meet someone special to spend the rest of my life with.
This is a journey that I don't want to repeat and I have my ex-wife to thank for making me a better person and father. My only regret is that I didn't find this site sooner and made those positive changes in myself that may have changed my wife's thinking before she emotionally shut down.
I was an inpatient, money focused and controlling person that was probably not very much fun to live with. My wife has acknowledged that I am a much better person but unfortaunately those changes came much too late for her.
Anyway, good luck to the rest of you on this site. Either way, at some point you will find happiness either through a renewed marriage or a new relationship. I hit some pretty low points over the past 4.5 years and it is truly amazing how the human mind and heart can recover over time.
