Its all me, me, me!

[mrtwopointfour]

I've been hanging out in the MLC part of the forum this week, mainly because I believe that's what is happening to my W. She has all the traits, and although nobody really can tell whether its MLC or WAW or both, its good to have some sort of reason for this. However PoN made a very good post on WFM's thread which gave me a little wake up.

The essence of it was that yes it may be MLC, but lets not forget also all the issues we have brought to the M and R, and how these have not helped, and the effect of these on the sitch. Also, how the focus should be on us, not how our W/H is going through MLC and how they are behaving. But most importantly how we newcomers should be listening to the vets, and how all the vets would say how they wish they had listened earlier on!

I am guilty through the last week of getting caught up in the 'MY WIFE IS HAVING A MLC' frame of mind. Yes, this is important to me, it helps me process what is going on, and see that its going to be a longer ride than I thought. I will still be posting on the MLC forum about my W and the way she is, to try and get some feedback on how to handle those aspects of my sitch. (Cadet - I know you advised this may not be the best thing to do, posting in two threads, and I am not ignoring your advice which i have found really helpful!)

However, I still feel a need to be here in newcomers. More so to work on myself. I am still not detached fully, I still need to get my goals sorted, still work on GAL... there is so much work still to do for me.

So here I am again.

Here is my last thread in Newcomers.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...087#Post2339087

So from here on, its all about me, me, me. (and the kids of course)

There is a balance to find in all of this of course, I need to be there for W, she does need support - but I need to stop thinking about what she is thinking and doing things to try and manage her actions and thoughts. Its simply making her more angry, and more eager to hate me.

Its not all bad, I've come a long long way since Feb, when BD happened. But I realise that some of this has been a facade, not all true to myself, and 50% to try and control W's thoughts and feelings towards me.

So, over the next few posts I will start to define my goals more clearly - I've still never got that right, and I really need your honest feedback. I also need to stick to my 180's and the 37 rules. (I broke a few of these last week and it was a slip, I did it without thinking of the outcome and it backfired)

All opinions, criticism, praise welcome - that's why I am here!

[mrtwopointfour]

PS Don't hang back on commenting now, I won't be posting any goals etc for a few hours!

[mrtwopointfour]

Ok, have thought of how to redefine my main goal, and have thought of 2 immediate goals that come to mind. I need to be careful as I have a habit of overlapping my 180 and goals. For instance I want to be better at managing finance and paying of debt, as I have not been good at that over the years, even though it fell on my shoulders it has spiraled out of control. Does this become a 180 or a goal??

Anyway here is where i am up to:

MAIN GOAL: Become a H only a fool would leave - a much improved version of the person my W fell in love with, a person that knows how to treat W better than any other man, and a person that she admires more than any other man. After all I am the father of her children, what better combination for a H! And then if she can not see it herself, I will still be myself again, but better, and ready for new ventures!

Goal 1: Stop thinking about how to become like or better than OM, and also stop trying to be somebody I am not. Stop trying to be like the people W communicates with online and seems to thrive on talking and joking with. Because this is not the person she was, and not the person she really is, she has become obsessed with this as part of her escape act, and this is how she found OM (and if she is, its not the person I fell in love with and therefore want to be with). If i become like them A: I am not living for myself and becoming a better person for myself and B: If this is a MLC, and W does come out of the tunnel, I will have become a version of the people she will probably realise she no longer wants to socialise / be with.

Goal 2: Detach, Relax, and treat W like a friend or close neighbour. I need to do this to find my humour again and become the person I once was. When I am at work I am funny, relaxed and people listen and respect what I say. When with W I am walking on egg shells, worrying about how to be, not finding my humour, and generally on edge about everything she says. A few weekends ago i said something without thinking about it, and W laughed like she had not done in months. When I try too hard, it comes across as fake and unfunny. Detaching will actually help me with this. I am almost there, but living with W pulls me back in daily - its a constant battle, one that I am determined to win. This will also help me stop thinking about what W will be up to when she goes away or goes out, and who she is really meeting / staying in a hotel with. This is going to be difficult one to achieve, probably the hardest.

I have more to come - but trying to define them as they come to me.

Please jump in and say what you think. I can take it!

[Grizz]

"Goal 2: Detach, Relax, and treat W like a friend or close neighbour. I need to do this to find my humour again and become the person I once was. When I am at work I am funny, relaxed and people listen and respect what I say. When with W I am walking on egg shells, worrying about how to be, not finding my humour, and generally on edge about everything she says. A few weekends ago i said something without thinking about it, and W laughed like she had not done in months. When I try too hard, it comes across as fake and unfunny. Detaching will actually help me with this. I am almost there, but living with W pulls me back in daily - its a constant battle, one that I am determined to win. This will also help me stop thinking about what W will be up to when she goes away or goes out, and who she is really meeting / staying in a hotel with. This is going to be difficult one to achieve, probably the hardest. "


This is the very thing that I have difficulty with. I could post this on my thread and it would sound like my story. You seem like you have come a long way. It is so hard to detach when you are living together, I know. My hurt, which sometimes is projected as anger, really prevents me from trying to be friendly with her.

Keep working on yourself. I know i need to. It already sounds like you are heading in the right direction.

[mrtwopointfour]

My hurt, which sometimes is projected as anger, really prevents me from trying to be friendly with her.

Yes, this is very true for me too. Up to now I have managed to not react - but over the last week W is picking on even more minor things. Things that she should just be accepting or asking a simple question about are coming across as her attacking or criticising my actions. Needless to say I am beginning to react a little, not by anger, just a little snap back or being a bit short when I describe the reasons for my actions. Its finding that balance between being a doormat, and reacting emotionally.

Its hard when nothing you do is right. I would say my W currently is impossible to please, so I am not going to try to anymore. I will not do things to not please her, but I am not going to go out of my way to do things for her.

[mrtwopointfour]

In the DR book, I am reading the section on goal setting.

From what i understand the goals are set to how you want to see improvement in your M. For instance, I would like my W to sit in the same room as me at night.

However, many comments from people on here are that we can not control W and therefore goals should be about doing things for ourselves not how we want our W or H to change.

This leaves me a little confused. Which is it?

Should i be setting goals to help me improve myself, which in a way is a 180?

or

Should i be setting goals as to the results i would like to see through my 180's and changes?

[AnotherStander]

From what i understand the goals are set to how you want to see improvement in your M. For instance, I would like my W to sit in the same room as me at night.

However, many comments from people on here are that we can not control W and therefore goals should be about doing things for ourselves not how we want our W or H to change.

This leaves me a little confused. Which is it?

I like to think of things like that as "baby steps" rather than "goals". Make your goals about things you have direct control over, IE, if you take that action you've reached your goal. Maybe it's running a 10k, or losing 15 pounds, or learning a foreign language. Then have a separate list of baby steps. The goals measure your personal development progress, and the baby steps measure your marital development progress.

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks AS, I think that helps me a lot.

So the first 2 goals i set above, are in fact goals, even if they are connected to change in my approach to sitch rather than personal goals such as climbing everest (not that i intend to do that). Maybe i need to have some personal goals in there too to help achieve GAL quicker.

And therefore 180's are to avoid 'more of the same' behaviour, which I guess can overlap goals after all. Because, if you are achieving some of these larger 180's, they can be ticked off as an achievement?

So now i need to think of the baby steps to M development!!!

[Verum]

From what i understand the goals are set to how you want to see improvement in your M. For instance, I would like my W to sit in the same room as me at night.

This is an improvement in your M that you want to see. This is good. Now I think you should ask yourself, what can you do to get here? Yes, you cannot control W, but why doesn't she sit in same room with you at night? Is she uncomfortable with you bacause you then try to engage her in conversation? You can control that. You can also take actions to reduce pressure on her, etc. Then if you W sits in the same room, this is a baby step that your actions are working.

[Verum]

Goal 1: Stop thinking about how to become like or better than OM, and also stop trying to be somebody I am not. Stop trying to be like the people W communicates with online and seems to thrive on talking and joking with. Because this is not the person she was, and not the person she really is, she has become obsessed with this as part of her escape act, and this is how she found OM (and if she is, its not the person I fell in love with and therefore want to be with). If i become like them A: I am not living for myself and becoming a better person for myself and B: If this is a MLC, and W does come out of the tunnel, I will have become a version of the people she will probably realise she no longer wants to socialise / be with.

Just wanted to comment that based on what you say, you seem to think that after a MLC your W would return to how she was before the crisis. I don't think this will be the case. Your W will be a different person in many aspects. I also think my W is in a MLC. What do I expect when she "comes out of the tunnel" I expect some of these behavioral changes in her will be permanent.

What I expect to change is:

(1) she won't be so unhappy;
(2) she will love me again;
(3) she will be more balanced.

For me this last one is a key change. My W now "has to go out" like she will die if she doesn't go out with her GF or go to the gym. Missing a gym session throws her into depression.To illustrate, tomorrow night my youngest D has a concert at school. I cannot go due to work. My W normally goes to the gym and then out for drinks on Thursday nights. She is already complaining and upset that she won't be able to do this because of D's concert. In fact, I won't be surprised if she somehow gets another parent to go instead of her.

Post-MLC I would expect my W to be OK with skipping a night at the gym and to enjoy supporting her D. I still expect her to go out -- that is now part of her. But I expect that she won't "need" to go out and can skip it for other things without being upset. (at least this is what I hope).

So I think you need to view MLC as a transition, and what comes out at the other end will NOT be the same person that went in.