he said falling off the wagon every day is pressuring and confusing her. He described it like this, "Imagine if she said, let's get back together, then 2 days After said, I changed my mind. The 2 days later said, let's get back together..." you wouldn't believe her after awhile. He said THAT is how she feels about you...on Thursday she sees you validating her feelings and not pushing too too much, then 2 days later right back to pressuring.
^^^LISTEN TO HIM!!!^^^ Backslides happen, but they DO set you back and undo much of your hard work, and if they happen every few days like this then you completely wipe out your progress. He is absolutely right, all your talks are pressure, pressure, pressure. You have got to STOP the pressure. It's a cheeseless tunnel, and you're camped out inside it with a tent, chairs and fire wondering why the cheese doesn't come dancing in. It won't, you're in the wrong tunnel!!
You may have thought my last post was harsh. I want you to succeed, but on the road you are on you will not.
I can pat you on the back and support you, or I can tell it like it is.
Your wife is not your soul mate. Your soul mate wouldn't leave you, nor would it be emotionally healthy to meld with someone to that degree. You feel that way about her because you cannot have her and assumed you always would. This has much more to do with you processing grief and loss than it does how wonderful your wife is or is not.
Even if she came back now, it would not immediately make you feel better, in would introduce new and different issues. This is a personal journey that you need to go through and you cannot drag your wife along with you, she doesn't have it to give right now.
Your best bet is to avoid talking to her entirely until you are farther along. You WILL be completely fine with or without her, and you can also have a new marriage with someone else that is as good as or better than what you had. This is not a "her or nothing" situation despite how it feels.
You are in shock and processing loss. That will pass with time and you will see this situation differently. Your brother seems smart as hell. I would talk to him before every interaction with your wife until you have it down. I truly do not want to see you chase her away -- I want you to succeed
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Sorry you're having such a tough time. Don't feel so alone, though, because everyone here has experienced the loss and confusion you are feeling. The only thing that differentiates us is the period of time we try to follow our gut (which inevitably tells us to FIGHT!!), inevitably that just will. not. work.
Ironically you're W has spelled out for you exactly what DR and everybody whose been here a while will tell you is the only 'right' course of action: let your actions speak for you.
Listen to your brother, he seems to have a better perspective, probably because he's got some distance from your sitch while you're in it up to your ears!
Focus on yourself and try to keep yourself busy. Your W has her own thinking to do, so in the meantime you give her space by focusing on figuring out who you are and what you really want in life. You've gotta. It's the only thing that works.
Try to be happy and listen, really listen, to what the people here are telling you. You've already been given all the clues you need (by W, brother, and the good folks here). Now go put the puzzle together to find the answer you're looking for.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
You are all right...all of you. Especially the ones who have tried to help me thru this...ACC...I'm looking at you!
I will be focusing on trying to detach... I don't think I have fully tried to stop saving my marriage by pursuing and pressuring. I think I try really, really hard because I know logically it's the right thing to do. Then, I last some time, get scared, lonely, insecure, and my emotions are off to the races.
This.needs.to.stop
For me.... I have to let my wife go somehow, someway. To save my sanity, and to save what little dignity I have left. Which isn't much.
I have some spring/summer sports starting son. That will help. The dog is getting walked more then she ever has, and I am talking to family, and even an old friend about how I feel, etc.
Wife is gone to parents for a week with our daughter. As much as I miss my daughter, I wish it was for a month... I think it will be a good thing to not had to see her for a week. That is when I break down, I see a glimpse of the old her, andi rush in, the emotions take over. I've been very good about not pursuing other ways, phone, email, text.
I know the universe has done this for the reason to make me a better, happier person. I need to focus on me, and daughter Bly. Wife has made her choice, she can live with it and figure her own stuff out.
I know I can do this. I just need to go hour by hour, day by day like JP says.
Yep, it WILL get better. Regardless of what happens with W, it will get better. You will find your old self again, and augment it with what you have learned. You will feel "normal", you will find happy. You will wake up in the morning and go a whole day without thinking about W. This is certain, it just takes time.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Stay strong Chris. I've realized that every single day will make me that much stronger and closer to being "normal" again. Like Acc said, it will happen with time. Each passing day is another closer to that normal. Some days will feel like backslides but those too will add to your strength.
Me:38, Wife:36 M:8 T:13 No kids Bomb:3/10/13 W moved out:3/30/13 Started D paperwork: 10/14/13 D final: 12/30/13 To a future of love and happiness...
Grizz - joined an adult sport and social club... They have a league that your team rotates and plays flag football, beach volleyball, soccer and ultimate frisbee. Should be a great spot to get exercise and fun, meet new people and have some fun after games..beers, etc.
I have never heard of a club like that. Sounds like a good time though. I started playing softball again after quitting for 5 years. I didn't realize how much I missed it.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
