Hi Mandy... ahh, another success story. Thank You! So Exciting!
If I can ask, did your H get to decide about your R in the end? I have been reading how its the LBS who gets the choice. Was this the case for you?
Also, during your time apart, when you were alone... what things went through your head/heart? Did you miss him? Ever make random calls just to hear his voice or call at a weird hour for no reason? Did you fear that if you went back, things would be the same? (this is something that my h says to me... I want to make that fear go away). He always says its possible that we could get back together.
Tx... looking forward to hearing from you.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
To answer your questions - since I've moved out of town, he's only stayed here for an overnight once & only visited twice. I am the one who does the visiting.
Sleepovers are usually on weekends, but have extended over some weekdays. (Weekdays are harder because I work 45 mins away from his place) And I'm there pretty much every weekend, probably 7 out of 8 the last few months.
There have been times where he feels it's too much and limits my visit to one night but there have been other times when he asks for me to stay longer. I just go with the flow! I can't say I've felt that it's ever been too much for me.
I'm sure I could leave more stuff there, but I've been kinda waiting on him offering me a key before I start leaving too much stuff there...(He has a key to my place)
He knows I'll come back - I'm the one who worries that I won't be asked back.
On another note, we started a more serious conversation last night...H is researching codependent relationships. Sounds like that is one of his fears...I can see why he worries about that - he had a horrible experience with my leaving, along the lines of life was not worth living. He says he would never go to that place again, but it must still be worrying him a little.
On another note, we started a more serious conversation last night...H is researching codependent relationships. Sounds like that is one of his fears...I can see why he worries about that - he had a horrible experience with my leaving, along the lines of life was not worth living. He says he would never go to that place again, but it must still be worrying him a little.
That is huge, please take serious note of that. I would feel the same if I were in his place, not sure how you can help with that. Maybe find out what book he read and purchase a copy so you two will have some common ground in a conversation about that subject. Remember to validate his fears don't fix them.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Not quite success yet! But improving all the time!
Yes, H is currently in a position to decide about R. Because he isn't at the point where he's ready to say we're working on things yet - still "spending time together".
There were times I missed him for sure. As for thoughts - I thought until I knew what I wanted for sure, I couldn't open that door. I was convinced he would be happier without me!
So I never called while we were apart, no texting even. A few messages back & forth via Facebook, that's it.
I WAS afraid that things would go back to the same old thing and that fear remained until I realized that I had stuff to work on too.
Piece of advice - Don't try to make the fear go away...try to understand where it's coming from! Hard, I know...
My W left approximately 6 weeks ago. No talking before hand, just a BD and left that night. All in my original thread.
Since she has left she has said some very absolute things, like ILYBINILWY, Ive closed the door and I can't open it again, the marriage is broken and I know it can't be fixed, etc
From your experience as a WAW, are these things that a WAS says just based on emotion and feelings at the time? Are there any tells for us the LBS to look at when commmunicting with the WAS?
Just read your first post to get an idea of where you're coming from...sorry that you have to go through this. My sitch was different but in many ways the same.
I told my H about a year before I left that I wasn't happy and things weren't working anymore. And then again about 7 months later, when things hadn't changed, I bought a car and was ready to leave (H calls it my getaway car!). We worked through that but things went back to same old again just 3 months later - so 3 months after that, I found myself not being able to see a future with my H, so I decided I needed a "break".
I couldn't think anymore - I found myself being mean and disrespectful. I didn't like the person I was becoming. I told him that I wasn't saying it was over, but maybe he would be better off without me. He insisted that we go to MC but the C couldn't find anything for us to work on, that's when I started to think it was over.
H didn't believe that it was only a break because I found an apartment, bought a bunch of new stuff and started the process of a legal separation (after the advice from my lawyer).
I said all those things and worse - but didn't really mean them. At the time, I thought it would make it easier for him to accept - that he would move on and "believe" me if I said all those things. There was a lot of projection - trying to take my feelings/fears and make him believe they were his.
From what I can tell, there are some standard lines that are pretty common for the WAS. And there's no manual (that I know of) but it's like there could be.
Not sure if there are any tells - but any inconsistency would be something to keep an eye out for.
Mandy... tx for replying... a few more comments/questions?
//I WAS afraid that things would go back to the same old thing and that fear remained until I realized that I had stuff to work on too.// H has said to me many times that it would be sooo easy to get back together, but fears that things would slip back... how did your h convince you that it was safe to return? how long did this take?
//Piece of advice - Don't try to make the fear go away...try to understand where it's coming from! Hard, I know...// ... don't try to help him with his fear? (is that what you mean?), I am trying sooooo hard to be detached from his doings. We own a business together, so I see him, text, phone call alot with him. Mostly about business. Any further suggestions?
Thanks for sharing...means alot to try and understand the WAS.
So hard when I feel so rejected.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Thank you Mandy for your posts. There has been some great insight on your thread. Please keep posting. Any info I can gain from you will be very welcomed.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
That's the thing - nothing he has said or done convinced me, if anything it could've been the opposite. Some of the negative things are still there - but I am choosing to deal with them instead of ignoring them (or sometimes choosing not to allow them be negative.)
It's a change in my perception/acceptance that the bad things aren't really deal breakers - and should never have been. I can't change my H and I love him - faults and all. I'm not perfect, so how can I expect him to be? Changing the way I look at things means that I don't have to worry about those things anymore...
As for the fears - it's not that you shouldn't discuss them - just don't think you can "fix it".
If you have frequent contact, do try to stay positive. From my experience, the more my H was negative/sad/low - the further I wanted to be from him. I felt the negative energy was draining and I didn't have enough energy for the both of us...
Mandy, did you ever look into what your and H's LLs are?
On the persistent presence, considering how much time you spend over there, I do understand that you do not want to push anything more.
That is why I'm wondering if you are catering to his LL.
Good that he is looking into co-d. What ever you can do in supporting his findings and any work he may decide he wants to do in that end, would likely be helpful. Just let him do the work and validate... you know the drill...
