One month ago my H informed me he wanted to leave me/divorce me. Said he loved me but was no longer in love me--last time he was in love with me was 20 years ago when we were in college (though we've been married only 9 years). Have 2 kids (youngest is 7 months old). H said he wants a wife who is more loving,feminine, caring. I do admit there are things I could have done differently. A lot of times I tried to avoid him because of his quick temper due to stress from his job. He says he is tired of doing everything for me, that I'm selfish, that I just used him as a sperm donor. He says he wants to fall in love again and have sex with younger, hot women. We haven't really had sex for sex's sake for maybe 2-3 years (was trying to have 2nd child, which I pressured H into having), hadn't had many date nights last few years, arguing about my in-laws living with us, haven't spent a lot of time just the two of us. I've tried spending more time with him lately (waiting for him to come home, which is usually late at night because of his job) and he seems to enjoy it, but keeps on saying that, whatever i do, he won't change his mind and that he will leave me. Has already started looking for an apartment for himself. Any hope for me? What can I do at this point? We've had sex a couple of times this past month, but most nights he says he just wants to watch porn and masturbate and has no interest in me sexually. Thanks.
You are getting a lot of WAS / MLC script, hat. What that means is, as you will learn, many of us hear the same stuff that you have heard. They no longer love the LBS, the haven't loved the LBS the entire M, that the LBS was controlling, that the problems in the M were all the fault of the LBS, etc, etc.
Take a deep breath and if you have not, make sure you pick up and read the book, "Divorce Remedy", which is ultimately the "workbook" that those who are here, work by and support by.
You are receiving some very hurtful feedback from your H and you will really need to get off that emotional roller coaster as quickly as you can, for your own sake and the sake of your children, and it may possibly help save your M.
We call it detaching, which means that you remove any emotional attachment to their words or actions (some may be conscious and some unconscious intentions to hurt you).
We... the LBS... often represent pressure for the WAS / MLCer (your H may be MLC; not that it matters as far as the work we do on ourselves). Just our very existence can feel like pressure. And also, because we are familiar to them, we are often "safe" for them to vent their own frustrations at.
From what you've posted, I would very definitely recommend detaching and GAL (Getting A Life; meaning do things that are not counter to your personal ethics and morals but focus on you and your growth) as hard as that might be and as soon as you can.
You can not be erased from your H and you can't walk on eggshells worrying about whether he feels pressure. In the same token, just focus on you and let his words and actions have no bearing on your own happiness.
Keep posting, use this forum to journal and ask questions. Shorter posts more often will help get you off moderation so that your posts show up immediately. And more board members will be along to support you through this.
I'm confused because some people say to show H more love, like I've been spending more time with him and he seems to enjoy it. One of his complaints is that I would ignore him and wasn't affectionate to him, so I'm torn between trying to distance myself from him and showing him that he's important to me.
If H moves out, does the chance of divorce increase dramatically? I've read that you should try not to separate. Should I just let him go if he insists?
Hi Hat, I'm new here too. My wife sat me down yesterday and told me she filed for divorce. I'm still fighting for my marriage and you should too. Baby steps.
M 48 W 40 D13, D10, D6 Together 23 years Married 16 years Separated 3/15/2013 Bomb Day 4/3/2013
Very first rule of "don't divorce club" - we can only control ourselves
second rule of "don't divorce club" - we can only control ourselves
There is a "sticky" topic in the newcomers forum called sandi's rules that give some really good advice, especially in extreme cases. Each sitch is unique, though.
I'm sure there is studies and information "out there", but for the most part, because of the uniqueness of any individual and situation, there is unlikely any hard and fast statistically information that you will find regarding any specific action or words that will increase or decrease the chances of divorce.
Since you can only control yourself, if he wishes to separate, that is up to him and you can not "stop" him. Although you are likely to get advice not to leave the marital home, unless you absolutely must (for your own physical or emotional safety).
While we may wish to "turn the other cheek", it is certainly never recommended to put yourself in harms way.
Boundaries could very well be a big factor in your managing your own presence around your H. If he is being pleasant, then certainly be around him and be loving as you would like. If he is being hurtful, then remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible, for that moment.
Also, get to truly understand about emotionally detaching from his words and actions. That does not mean you do not interact with him or stop acting in loving ways. It means you learn to not have emotional reactions regarding his words or actions.
