I was asked to leave the house 2 weeks ago. I tried everything to stay including reasoning, bribery, begging, promising to change, and going to counseling. She said either I give her a month of isolation or she would leave with the kids and divorce me. It's been almost a week since I left and I'm a mess. Can't eat, sleep, concentrate, or function. I love my wife and kids more than anything. She's the only women I've truely loved and the only one I want to be with. I found a spare room to stay in from a friend of a friend. I have no family in the area and fewer friends. I feel like I've been banished to a remote island and cutoff from my life. For the last several months I've been depressed and distanced myself from my wife. The serious arguments started after I asked her to go back to work. She's stayed home with the kids for almost 8 years and I've been ultra stessed at work. In my depression I thought the wife going back to work would take some stress off my situation. Bad idea on my part that I regret more than anything. I expressed negative feelings About her in a cold manner even discussing the topic of divorce in anger. After a month of sleeping apart, she kicked me out of the house. She told me that she needs time to decide if she'll give me another chance or divorce me. The worst part of all this is that I'm living with the regret of being the reason for this mess. If only I can go back and unsay those cruel words and hateful tone. In my depression and anger I said things that I'm ashamed of. The feelings were negative and fleeting and should never have been verbalized. The month or so we drifted apart I tried everything to fix the problem including profusely apologizing, buying flowers, sending texts, and begging. The harder I tried the worse it got. I'm worried that this may be the end. The waiting is driving me nuts. She let me see the kids five times this week but would barely speak or even look at me. Very stone cold in her demeanor. We've been married for 12 years and together for 13 with two children. She told me that she has no feelings for me, doesn't love me, and doesn't know if she can ever have feelings or love for me again. Said that the last 12 years were misery that she'd like to forget. I've come to realize that althought I've provided a nice house, cars, savings and retirement accounts, private school, and material things I've neglected fulfilling her emotional needs. I've been an emotional rock to her. My idea of being a good husband and father were centered around providing and protecting. I missed the boat on the emotional connection. I wish to God that I can go back and change things. I'm devastated and broken by this separation and marital failure. I love my wife more than anything but always had a hard time expressing it to her. I always thought emotions were not manly or important because they changed all the time. I'm learning that emotions are how women express their heart and feel connected to their spouse. I'm wishing I knew this 12 years ago or even a month ago. I seriously wish my wife came with a manual when we met. I've missed several opportunities to work on our marriage with her. Sitting here alone in a strange place while living out of a suitcase has given me time to reflect on my shortcomings as a husband and father. Any advice on what I should do? Up to this point I've respected her wishes and started to see the marriage counselor. Before I left I told her that I loved her, didn't want a divorce or separation, and would do anything to save our marriage. It seems like doing nothing is just wasting time. I'm usually a very unemotional, take charge man with a strong personality. I can't remember the last time I cried but I've wept openly since the separation. After13 years I've grown attached to her and just miss her being in the room. We have our share of issues but nothing I would throw our marriage away over. Any thoughts are welcome!
I read your post and feel your pain, im in a sort of similar sitch, but I have already found a place to live and am sharing parenting with the W.
I will leave it to the vets to chime in, but unfortunately you are probably in the worst phase of it right now. Take lots of deep breathes, dont act on your emotions and be patient. The patience part is what will kill you the most, but hang in there, it gets easier as time passes by.
This thing is out of your hands now, the only things that are in your hands are what you do from here. Keep a journal, watch your negative thoughts and allow yourself time to grieve, but not around your W. This will probably be the most challenging things you will face, but you will grow from this and you will need to find the positives in order to survive.
Look up sandi's 37 tips as a starting point and wait for the posts to come in.
Hang in there. You will find the help you need on this forum.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
We are meeting with the family counselor Tuesday to discuss her decision. Worried to death over the outcome.... Any tips or advice on how to handle myself and what to say?
My advice is to really listen to what she has to say and find a way to succinctly let her know that you realize you haven't given her what she needed, but that you want to do that. Also, don't be in a big rush to get back together in the same house (or if you need to do that for financial reasons try to give her space as much as she needs it).
The absolute worst thing you can do is tell her how she didn't meet your needs or how you have done nothing but give and give and give to the marriage. Trust me - if you say those things even once it will be burned into her memory like nothing else.
E-Chic ----------- Me- 41 H - 44 M - 14 yrs T - 16 yrs No kids Separated - 2 months after 1+ yr of counseling I am a WAW.
E-Chic, Thanks for posting. It sounds like I could use more of your advice. You sound a lot like my wife when I read through some of your other posts..... It seems so hard for me to really understand what she is trying to tell me. I'm extremely factual and she's extremely emotional. I hear the facts change and I'm confused. Her emotions change and she is "Frustrated" with me because I can't understand her.....helpppp
We had our Big meeting with the counselor last Tuesday. She asked for more time. She didn't have a time frame or plan but she reluctantly agreed to the counselor's request not to get an attorney involved. She also agreed to go back for a joint session next Tuesday where she would unveil her go forward plan. She wouldn't even look at me. Kept saying how frustrated she was because I didn't move out right away when she told me to. She said that it would have showed her that I really loved her if I just accepted her request right away and moved out immediately. She also said that I didn't obey her 30 day plan with no contact and kept pushing for communication......kept saying how frustrated she was with me for not understanding her.... Not sure what to think but need to get a life.... My father says I'm like a puppy dog being pulled by a string... Need some more advice quick....
The absolute worst thing you can do is tell her how she didn't meet your needs or how you have done nothing but give and give and give to the marriage. Trust me - if you say those things even once it will be burned into her memory like nothing else.
DOH! Yeah, dont do that brother! I did, having deployed to Afghanistan, made a crap load of cash and came home to almost nothing. I made the mistake a couple days after BD during a follow up conversation similarly. I awoke the next day to a note with her rings on it saying its over for good, she hasnt been in love with me for years, and all the other stuff you read here.
Listen to these folks, because I made every mistake you can make...and the only reason I believe I am still in the house is because I am disabled, unemployed, have no income, and the W feels just sorry enough to not throw me out.
I wish I could go back in time and take that conversation back, but I cant. I went from a BD and the tension of that...to a full scale nuclear strike on me.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Just to let you know jamkel, you can continue posting in this part of the forum, although it does not get a lot of traffic so you might get more response creating a topic in the Newcommers area.
That said, it sounds like you are taking "all" the blame in the breakdown of the M. Now, maybe you have, but we all come to the realization that the responsibility truly does fall on two people, not just one.
I notice that you point to you being depressed and stressed and that you also point to a lack developing an emotional connection with your W, yet I don't get a sense that this was always the case.
Since she's been back to work, do you at all suspect that there might be an emotional or physical affair going on with your W?
Can you list 5 main, valid complaints that your W might have against you?
If you think about it, has your W always been a princess to be put on a pedestal? What would be her short comings, from your honest, open perspective?
Kaffe Diem, She's only working part time at a photography business that doesn't make much money.
The biggest complaints from her perspective: 1) Our inability to communicate effectively. 2) I'm too controlling and my strong personality is overpowering her. 3) She wants more of an emotional connection and relationship with me that involves sharing of feelings. 4) She wants a more spiritual husband.
Her shortcomings in my mind: 1) She relies on me for everything from paying the bills to fixing the kids bikes to mowing the lawn buying and fixing the cars, caring for the yard, ect. 2) I've asked her to go back to work now that the kids are going to school full time and she has refused. I would like a career change but don't feel the ability to take that huge risk with only one income. 3) I'd like her to be more independent and stop feeling like she has to ask me and rely on me to do everything for her.
It doesn't seem to matter much now that she won't even talk to me. I just got an apartment and this separation is starting to seem permanent. She won't engage in small talk and just looks right through me every time we interact regarding the kids. She didn't even look at me once when we were in the counseling session.
