Been on here a while now on newcomers. But think I need some clarity on sitch with W. I think she has traits of MLC but would like opinion.
Depression which was very bad up to BD A sudden 'epiphany' Pushing away those who will not agree with her thoughts Taking more care in appearance EA with OM - apparently in love even though never met Scared of not living for much longer - need to change life quickly Change of personality and likes - almost trying to have life of friends Lack of concentration / care about current job The need to get away from this terrible life with me, and willing to do what needs to be done to so this, even if it means living somewhere unsavoury Thoughts that everything in our M and parents M is negative
So any thoughts? I know this is probably a mirror image of hundreds of posts on here but would be good to get comments on my own sitch.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Thanks cadet. Be great if you could post on my thread, you have told me to look here but finding it hard to seek out - maybe my brain is exhausted at the moment.
So yes:
Body - better than I have ever seen it Spouse - yep turned against me Job - yes career change in motion God - always was if a religious mind - now I think she is giving up on that too.
Sounds like she has passed the test - not sure that's a good thing though : (
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links with a new one.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
You are right even though I know she has been trying to loose weight and doing well, it began to drop off which I know is due to the depression. However now she seems obsessed - to the point I wonder if it will go too far. Of course living with a W that looks so amazing, but you know is now out of reach is very painful. Especially when only a few months back there was no question of them being your W.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Would you say a W in MLC would find their spouse irritating? Something my W said earlier made me realise half the issues we have and been having is because she find me and the way I do thing irritating.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
My W definitely did...my presence in the house irritated her, when I was away at work I irritated her...lol.
It's part of the journey...if you are being the best person you can be, working on yourself and finding the bits of truth in her complaints about you now, and in the past, and fixing those you deem need fixing...then just don't take it personally, it's her issue that she can't properly address as an adult right now.
If you can do the above, and wait it out, eventually she will figure out that it really isn't ALL you, but mostly within her. But that may take a while, and hopefully you won't get the full-on venom spewing alien monster that I experienced...
My W, who seems to be coming out of the tunnel, has told me that it really wasn't "me", but what I represented and reflected back to her about herself, some projection of her cognitive dissonance...but also some of my habits/ways of doing things that she never spoke up about all these years...There was also A LOT of repressed anger at tons of things not involving me from childhood and teenage years that, well, I was the closest, safest target to direct that anger towards...she eventually burned it out because I didn't interfere or defend myself (you can't reason with them right now).
So, be the best you can be, work on creating a better YOU! And sit tight for a very interesting ride...your goal is to outlast her mlc, so keep the big picture in mind and read a lot of other people's sitches here...so much you learn and it really helps us find perspective.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
some of my habits/ways of doing things that she never spoke up about all these years
Yes, I think this is a big part of it. I think I am almost like having an annoying parent hanging around, and to her all those habits she has seen beyond or even loved about me in the past she can't tolerate any more.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
