Crazy little thing called MLC

[Takevowsserious]

Sorry to hear H is being such an a$$ wipe Really, he is incapable of committing to anyone but himself.

Hope you are having a good Mother's Day. No matter what, you have those wonderful boys to enjoy. You are the lucky one that hasn't missed a moment with them

And your boys are lucky to have such a dedicated and amazing mom

[Raine]

I had an amazing Mother's Day! I hope you did too. I feel a since of relief. I asked H point blank about if he had seen OW1 last night and he said yes. He has told me he was going to be honest with me and I guess that proves it. The relief is now I feel like I can detach from him and he knows why. Much easier.

I went shopping yesterday and bought four super cute dresses. I also just ordered me a new watch. Happy anniversary and Mother's Day to me I'm looking so good. I never gained much weight with baby, so I weigh less than before I was pregnant. I'm really focused on getting fit and healthy. The boys did non-stop cute things for me. If I had known this would have happened before I married H, I still would have for my boys. They are the loves of my life.

[reachingHigher]

Raine, I love your PMA in the midst of such pain and betrayal.

How wonderful that you can focus on the four precious little boys on Mother's Day and didn't let the pain of the poor choices your H is making distract you from recognizing the beauty (in and out) in you!

Great job!

I feel so angry sometimes at your H when I read what he does. He is so confused and depressed

[makingmagic]

nice PMA Raine... I admire your attitude! Tx for the inspiration!! wfm

[Raine]

Thanks rH & wfm! I feel so angry too. I think that's the main feeling I've had towards him the last two weeks. In fact the Dixie Chick's "Not Ready To Make Nice" has been going through my head when I think of him.

I went from total confusion with the idea of him hooking up with randoms, to the more logical thought that maybe OW1 moved, to complete anger and "I am so done" when he confirmed he had been seeing her. He has never admitted to having physical relationships, but I know he has, and honestly if I didn't know that, it's so obvious. What else would he want with them?

So today was great. I went shopping and found some really cute jeans and tops. My dad who adores the boys came and watched the older three while I took the baby and met up with SIL. Today was really, really great. I even took a short nap when I got home. I hadn't said one word to H, since he confirmed "yes" and turned off all contact, and any means of him tapping into me, so no FB status updates or anything like that. And I had no intentions of seeing him or talking to him. Any calls would go to VM, and I would text him if I needed to respond about the boys. But that didn't happen, so no need to deal with anything.

So, 24 hours since he confirmed and I went dark, HE SHOWS UP AT THE HOUSE! He just walks right in. I was thinking..WTF! 24 hours, that's it? And he comes right up and hugs me and asks me if I'm okay, and I say no. I give him a partial hug back.

I'm just so mad inside. I'm thinking you just told me yesterday that you were seeing OW1, and now you want to come see me and hug me? I was in this place now where he knows that I know, and so I can just move on and he doesn't think...who knows what he thinks...but he knows I want nothing to do with him and why, and I'm at peace with that. Having to keep quiet about H seeing OW was frustrating and I know that's why I felt at peace. I didn't have to pretend anymore. And it's not like I got mad at him or anything. He said yes, and I just walked away and that was that.

So what TVS just posted on her thread about touch and go connection...that is exactly what happened tonight. He stayed for several hours. I focused on the boys, dinner, dancing with S2. I was nice to H, just normal I'd say, friendly, but I know he was so feeling me out to see if I was mad at him. He empted the garbage, he ordered some CDs, and asked if there was any I needed. He played this song for me, that I KNOW he wanted me to hear the lyrics, because they were testing lyrics. I said it was nice. He had posted another testing song to FB earlier too. He knows I get notifications of his posts and that I always analyize the songs he posts. It was so clearly meant for me.

Really H? Really.

So then I went outside with S2, and H followed shortly after and wanted to talk about a tv show we've been watching together as a family and when he'll watch the next episode. I said he could watch it with the boys on his night and H wanted to know when I would, and I said I could watch it whenever. So then he offers to take the kids an additional night when I was going out. This is the night he goes out with his new friends every week like clockwork, and he said he didn't care and he would do that and then come over on his night too so we can watch the show together. (wow what?)

We played outside for quite awhile with the boys and he stayed and put the boys to bed and then put his arms out for me, asking for a hug, which I did, much better than the one earlier.

Have no expectations, because nothing is ever going to happen as expected! I was all geared up for dark as could be, even sending the boys out the door when H came for his nights so I didn't have to see him kind of dark. He thwarted that one quick, eh? For once I felt like this space I was creating was 100% for me. Too much pain, because even though I know all the horrible things he has done, it hurts so much worse to have him say it.

So now what? Who knows. I haven't contacted him or played games with him. That I think is his key to knowing if I am okay with him, and I'm just not okay with him. I'm nice, I'm friendly, heck, I returned a hug, with genuine affection to the guy who told me he was seeing another woman just 24 hours ago. Yeah you better believe I'm a sweetheart. I just don't have it in me to be mean to him. He is one lucky b@stard that he married me and not just about anyone else. :P

So now I'm back to wondering what I'm to do next. That 24 hours of clarity was sure nice.

[TSquared2]

Hi Raine,

Your H's touch and go was verrry interesting...reminds some of when my W got dumped by a "significant" online EA OM (or maybe he was the PA one too, who knows) in Feb...she was all saying she wanted to "do things together" and that's when she had "test s3x" with me (ugh)...seems like they circle back to make sure we are still here, that they haven't gone "too far" with their actions. Seems this fits with her reaction to my reaction to BD#3 and her idea of co-habitating after D...she lit up my phones and email that night...it that how someone who is "done" supposedly acts? Kinda like how H swarmed you? Methinks not.

My IC had some interesting ideas around this. Maybe they offer some insight, idk.

-"I however do feel she is desperately trying to keep you... in fear she has lost you or losing you, that was never her intent. She just wanted you on hold,,,, NOT RIGHT OR FAIR."

-"She knows she came close to blowing it with you when she told you she was wanting to live seperately but together... her intent was to keep you all along.... never intended on you having the reaction you gave her.... she now fears you getting tired of her behavior ... (good sign) "

-"She is trying way too hard to keep you, but not be bad if she talks to men. She doesn't want you out of her life. She wants her cake and eat it too...why....still insecure as to who she is. She is trying so hard to find herself, that she is losing herself."

-"she knows in her head you want to stay together but she fears you will grow tired or think back about bad behavior..."

Maybe something useful for understanding h in there for your sitch...? Just thought I'd share it.


I think they are so scared of growing old and not having "lived a full life", in addition to the scary, hard and not "always fun and exciting" responsibilities of parenting and being adults, and all the other stuff that is swirling around in their heads...In my sitch, I had a very, very well misspent youth , I don't have "those questions" much anymore...W was the shy, wallflower girl with issues...I was her first "real" R...she has those questions, and per her own words, she had them at times during our M, but didn't act on them before, now she wants to act on them while she can.


This journey sure does take it's weird as heck twists and turns, doesn't it?

Hang in there, you're awesome!

T^2

[Raine]

T what your IC said to you makes incredible sense in my sitch too. It's just interesting how nothing happens how we expect it might. The have no expectations isn't just about don't expect positive things to continue, it's that everything is happening on a unpredictable timeline and the same event happening at two different times could result in completely different outcomes.

I didn't think me asking H about seeing OW1 would have any impact. And maybe it didn't. Maybe the impact was i was hurt. Maybe it was i wouldn't hug him. Maybe it was that I didn't ask anything more or bring up anything more, but i was still friendly to him. Maybe seeing a pic of me with the boys on mothers day. Who knows. Maybe it has nothing to do with anything I've done or anything involving me.

I think he may have ended it with OW1 last night. Not that he wouldn't circle back to her in the future, but he may have done what he did with OW3&4: short talk, let them down easy, cut contact. Kind of interesting to me that he slowly let them all go, in reverse. Time will have to tell on this one. He has made plans to be here
Every night except one this week. Big change. He asked if he could bring a group of new friends over to hang out one night too. Interesting. He was also there today to get son from school without messaging me to tell me or ask if I needed him to.

I'm staying the same. Not contacting in anyway. Nothing coming from me. He didn't try to hug me tonight and hard to stop myself from initiating it. He also called me hon tonight and I about melted. He has only called me by my name, no pet names for a very long time.

T I can also relate H to your wife with the feelings of missing out. He was very shy growing up. He always wishes he had the confidence back then. I felt like I did enough, more than I wanted. I just wanted the full thing:love, romance, marriage, friendship, family.

[Raine]

I've been sick the last few days and the weather has been terrible. Being stuck inside is never good. I have all these emotions that just want to boil over and I don't think I'm handling that too well. There is no where for them to go. There is no resolve but suck it up and carry on. I am tired of talking to other people. People have said some pretty harsh things to me about H lately, and it makes me so defensive. It makes me defensive because they're right.

I hate the eggshell feeling around H-- to the point I feel uncomfortable around him. He is spiraling down right now, and it's hard to see that. I feel like my compassion towards him is very much how I would be with a friend or sibling. I reach out to him and want to let him know I care, and then wonder if that just makes it worse. He's upset and I want to hug him, but he doesn't want it. He is upset because the guilt and his replay is coming back to counter it.

I think being out of replay this last week may have been spiraling him to the bottom, so he has to jump back into it. He's back to a short encounter yesterday and today with different people. I don't know who. I'm thinking one is OW1, but who knows. I'm so tired of his predictable cycling: Guilt about what he has done to me/kids/himself -> Depression/withdrawal -> using women -> back to guilt. I feel like this will go on until I end it with divorce. And I feel that's how it would go too. Not a wakeup call. We would divorce.

Here is the current cycling timeline:
Day 1-7: big time replay and neglecting
Day 8: Halted by me questioning him
Day 9: Short encounter with OW, followed by 5 days assumed no contact
Day 10-14: touch and go connections with me. Always a daily reason to stop in or just show up. No contact initiated from me, but responding to his. I'm Nice/friendly. He does small actions: brings dinner, takes out garbage, offers to do/buy things.
Day 15: can't look me in the eyes anymore. Very overt depression
Day 16: me checking in with him, talking with him, getting his mind off of things
Night 16: back to ow1, 15 min encounter
Day 17: Me asking him why he never said anything about a photo of me with the boys. H in tears, admitting he looks at it every day. Says we shouldn't talk to each other that way ever. (I'm not quite sure what I said.) I told him I've been angry at him and he says I have a right to be. H leaves and goes to an unknown for 45mins.

I need to get off this train. I'm so tapped in and it's effecting me and my patience level with the boys. I'm tired. I'm over-whelmed. I feel like I'm suppose to be there for H when he needs me, when he contacts me. He is so clear that he is the one messed up and this isn't about me. It's hard to not be there for him in such clarity. And it's hard to be there for him because I'm so mad at him.

[TSquared2]

Hi Raine,

This is tough, I have been watching W cycle for a long time similar to your H. And it is so hard to walk the "razor's edge" dividing being a caring, compassionate, empathetic human being and being a doormat. And it is draining as all heck.

You can only do what you can, and with all you have going on with the kids, working and all...you are amazing!!

Maybe try dimming it WAY down for a while, see where you are at then? Maybe let your "teenager" on his own more so you can focus on the ones who truly DO need you?

Sending prayers, strength and positive vibes your way...
T^2

[GatorGirl]

Raine,
Wish I could give you a huge hug right now. You have an amazing amount of strength and fortitude. Being a single parent alone is a huge job, much less trying to sort of parent your H.

I wish I had some fantastic words of advice for you about your H. You are doing a great job detaching and playing by all the MLC rules. If you get to the point when you're done, you'll know it. I feel like I practically woke up one morning and said, "I deserve better than this. I deserve more. I didn't break him; I can't fix him. I have to let him go." And that was it for me. I was done. I admire your ability to stand and 'Be Still' as the song goes.

My head spins at the person my H has become. His BFF's family has become more important than his own, perhaps with the exception of his children. I think the rest of his family is beginning to realize this but they are afraid to say anything. Truthfully, I expect H to move in a few years and detach himself from the kids. They will be a little older and will 'understand' a little better. I think he will still be unhappy even after the divorce and he will think it's because of where he's living, so he'll find another job out of town and will move. And I suspect he will still be unhappy. Funny how it all works, isn't it?

As for me, if it all falls into place how we've planned it, our divorce will be final sometime in July (hopefully in time for my mid-July birthday). I hate to say it but I'm looking forward to having a new start. My H is not remotely the sweet man I married. He's addicted to alcohol and won't admit it and is co-dependent on his BFF's family. He's been chronically depressed since I met him; meds don't help when you drink alcohol while you take them. I hope he doesn't go spiraling down to rock bottom but who knows.

You're amazing, Raine. Every time I read and catch up, I'm just taken aback by your strength.

Peace,
GG