Time to roll up the sleeves

[mrtwopointfour]

So at first I thought Limbo was not a good place. Now I realise its actually a way if having time to work on myself and work towards saving R. Problem is W is sprinting to finish whilst I am pacing myself for the Marathon.

Here is my last thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2333524#Post2333524

I had a bad week last week. Thanks to everyone for being there and supporting.

To sum it all up. W is still acting as if this is what she needs to do to be happy. Can't see at all that unhappiness has come from many triggers in her life during our marriage which are nothing to do with me. I know my errors and am facing them as part of my 180's.

W is stronger willed than me at the moment, and no longer showing signs of remorse, guilt, or doubt. She is a bulldozer ploughing through everything that has been to get to where she needs to. This to me is the hardest part, as it feels like this has come from me following DB technique, which to her appears as the green light.

I need to detach, I have to a certain extent but keep falling back - so not there yet. I need to continue to GAL, and not let this slip. Mostly I need clearer defined goals and ensure my changes are for me not W. up to now some have been for W and this is why I had a bad week.

So I am going to start this thread with my latest goals. Please feel free to comment on them - I am struggling with finding the difference between what is classed as a change, a 180 and a goal.

Main Goal:
I will become a better person for myself and by doing so I will become the person my W fell in love with. She will be become attracted to me once more, and fall back in love with me.

Goal 1:
Maintain a PMA and act as if. Even when feeling hard done by, tired or down. Ensure 180's are adhered to and balanced with GAL.

Goal 2: 
Concentrate on the listening to W really listen to each word and remember every one for future conversations. W is very quick to point out when / what she has told me and this is something she is using to confirm her unhappiness with me.

Goal 3:
Deal with  W's discussions about future better. This will be a mix of validating when she is showing emotion and having PMA and non emotionally loaded response to W's comments on living apart / separating assets / starting to pack up items etc. 

Goal 4: 
Become financially organised. Have a debt pay off plan, know where every bit goes, show leadership but also ensure decisions are joint decisions whilst we are still financially tied.

Goal 5:
Find my sense of humour and make W laugh again. This is part of W attraction to me and it's not there at the moment. if feel like I have stage fright because I am not being me, I am trying too hard to be the person and have the humour I think W wants. I need to be me again.

Goal 6:
Detach. Stop doing things for W that look like I am over doing it. Stop offering my services all the time - just do it! Stop making small talk.

Wish me luck.

[mrtwopointfour]

Whoops forgot to add to my watch list.

[mrtwopointfour]

I've got an odd one here, sure it not unique but it's been an insight for me.

I met a someone a few weeks back in a work meeting who i was attracted to and she showed attention towards me. She made the effort to walk with me after the meeting to talk, lots of smiles etc.

Following this I and a dream last week. It was nothing but a dream about a date with her and going for a meal. But in this dream I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I was feeling those crazy first thoughts of when you first start dating. And I woke up feeling great.

Today I met her again today. At a work meeting. Again I could tell she was looking at me when i was not looking up etc. and when I Ieft we exchanged kisses on the cheek. All innocent, business etiquette. When she walked away she looked back and smiled.

So, I know I am not in a good place emotionally, certainly not the right time to be having feelings for somebody, but the fact is the attention I recieved and my feelings to her have sparked something inside of me. Simply because I am feeling betrayed and let down by my W.

So what's my point?. No, I am not taking this any further I am in this to save my M and keep my family together. But the reason I am sharing this is that it does show how easy it has been for my W to be tempted by this OM. I have seen things from my W pov at an extreme.

Not sure it makes me feel any better, but just wanted to share it.

[Intact]

Yep I think you're right. My W who left 3 months ago has another man and apparently "he's the one" but I'm hoping its just those initial in love feelings that dissolve.

I think about other women too now - partly because I'm lonely and miss companionship but I am desperately trying to save my marriage/family and until I can be 100 percent certain that, that isn't possible then I will remain faithful - although it's very hard when thinking about W cuddling and get emotional and physical support from OM.

[mrtwopointfour]

Yeah, I hear what you am are saying. Have to admit that although my wife is having EA not sure whether it progressed into PA.

The point I was trying to make is that i understand why she has been tempted and this makes me less angry at her for being so. I think this may help me detach a little. Although she is also planning another 'weekend away' soon - so who knows where my mind will wander off to on the lead up to that. This is a target for me, I need to detach by the time she goes away. I need to not be spending that whole weekend wondering who she is with.

[Intact]

It takes a long time - I still think a lot about my W with OM.

I also wonder if my W ever gets curious about who/if I'm with anyone when I don't have our son. Surely it would be hard for the WAW not to wonder about the LBS?

[mrtwopointfour]

I would have thought so, but she will never show it. I just tell myself OM is inferior and was W's backup because she is currently unhappy in our M.

[Cadet]

All of this is perfectly normal.

When you feel an attraction then it distracts you from the bad feelings.

The only caution can throw in here is that you are not thinking with your brain and you can over ride these feeling to think that way.

Why do you think a higher percentages of second marriage fail?

Could it be because people did not think and were not healed and jumped into another relationship.

Anyway thats my .02

[Mach1]

I've got an odd one here, sure it not unique but it's been an insight for me.

I met a someone a few weeks back in a work meeting who i was attracted to and she showed attention towards me. She made the effort to walk with me after the meeting to talk, lots of smiles etc.

Following this I and a dream last week. It was nothing but a dream about a date with her and going for a meal. But in this dream I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I was feeling those crazy first thoughts of when you first start dating. And I woke up feeling great.

Today I met her again today. At a work meeting. Again I could tell she was looking at me when i was not looking up etc. and when I Ieft we exchanged kisses on the cheek. All innocent, business etiquette. When she walked away she looked back and smiled.

So, I know I am not in a good place emotionally, certainly not the right time to be having feelings for somebody, but the fact is the attention I recieved and my feelings to her have sparked something inside of me. Simply because I am feeling betrayed and let down by my W.

So what's my point?. No, I am not taking this any further I am in this to save my M and keep my family together. But the reason I am sharing this is that it does show how easy it has been for my W to be tempted by this OM. I have seen things from my W pov at an extreme.

Not sure it makes me feel any better, but just wanted to share it.

That might be the "Grand Poo-bah", of bad ideas.....

[mrtwopointfour]

I completely agree. Right now I think my brain is seeking confirmation that I am still a 'good catch' in case all goes wrong. But I have never been unfaithful to my wife, and still love her more than anything in the world - well I must do if I still want to be M'd to her after all that's been said - so no danger of me going down that road.

Strange thing is since that dream, which was the first dream I had that was not about me and W and divorce, I had a dream last night that me and W were back together. It was not pleasant waking up - but for some strange reason I did not mind so much - it made me optimistic today.