Vets or anyone out there that's been with this along time, if you could take back any of your actions in the first 30 days after BD, what would those actions be?
Ill answer as anyone... I would take back perusing and talking, i still am working on this daily. For me let W come to me, let W text me and then listen, validate, think before I speak or text.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I'm entering week 3, about a week ago I started no calls, texts, nothing. I let him come to me. I hope this is the right track and not pushing him away. Initially I begged, pleaded, then after that I texted him positive friendly things, no R talk and he ignored me. Am I doing right?
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
Shiss - I can't stress enough what everyone else is saying about GAL and work on yourself. Don't worry at all about your husband as it only brings back your desire to control the situation and that is not good for you nor your chances at a reconciliation. Why? Because without working on yourself and letting your internal improvements speak for themselves you are actually still doing the same thing that your husband wants to run away from now.
I say this because I was surprised out of nowhere with the I love you but, request for separation, request for divorce and was just paranoid and crazy over the potential of losing my family when in actuality I had already lost them. Can things change....sure, but holding onto hope that they may change keeps you in limbo (again, makes you act like you had previously with your husband which pushes him away).
Be the best that you can be for yourself and you alone. TTFTO
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
I gotta knock this crap off and re-read DR and start with a beginners mind. I wish Bond, Sandi, AS or Cadet would ream me right now!
LOL! No need, you're beating yourself up pretty good without any help
Originally Posted By: Shiss
Vets or anyone out there that's been with this along time, if you could take back any of your actions in the first 30 days after BD, what would those actions be?
Oh man, well for sure I would take back the begging/ pleading/ negotiating/ crying. The other thing I would change is learning to STHU and just listen and validate. I eventually figured that out (with the help of DR, these forums and RetroV), but it took months and months to get there and in the meantime I spent WAY too much time talking and not nearly enough listening which for me was "more of the same" behavior because that's what I did throughout the M.
And I spent way too much time trying to fix my M and fix my W. I worked on fixing me too and I certainly don't regret that part, but I was trying to fix EVERYTHING and not recognizing that W and the M were outside of my control. I printed out stuff for her on perimenopause (she's going through it), on anti-depressants (she's been on them for years), and even sent her the first chapter of DR. What total bonehead moves! I can't fix her! She needs space to figure things out for herself. I knew that from early on, but just refused to believe it.
So yeah, learn from my mistakes, don't do those things! We ALL make some of these mistakes, so if you have it's OK, don't beat yourself up, just learn from your mistakes and keep pushing forward
I so wanted my W to read that chapter too! I now know how bad that would have gone!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I so wanted my W to read that chapter too! I now know how bad that would have gone!
I found an electronic copy of it somewhere and emailed it to her and then told her I had emailed it to her just to make doubly sure she knew it. Then I snooped in her email to see if she had read it. Wow, three stupid moves clustered together, how can that not work? LOL! She did read it, and (of course) she never said one word about it. Yeah, I learn what not to do the hard way
I also mistakenly gave my walk away wife the book and boy did she read it. I woke up the next day to find 15 text messages about how it's not just that simple!!! I've given y'all the short an clean version ;-) Man, do I regret that, but live and learn.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
I am no vet but I have learned that I need to control my emotions...thanks for the support from this board I know think am I reacting because of my emotions or not? Also my coach mentioned to think about what you might say or do...is what you say or do going to push them away more or pull them closer to you?
Also and last is...and I don't know who to give credit to on this! Wish I did because it has effected me greatly!!
...but when you raise your voice during a discussion you are raising it because you are trying to be right, you are fighting to be right!! I know I do this and did it a lot!! This is one of the biggest things I am working on!
We ALL make some of these mistakes, so if you have it's OK, don't beat yourself up, just learn from your mistakes and keep pushing forward 